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You Asked: Should I Make Him Leave His Girlfriend?

Dear Sugar,

I've known this guy for about two years now. At first, he was very interested but I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't completely over the breakup. We had made a few dates but I always stood him up. I guess I just wasn't ready. Three months ago, I ran into him. We had lunch and a great time hanging out. There was amazing chemistry but — he has a girlfriend!

For the past three months we've still been hanging out, kind of a friends-with-benefits thing, but I'm falling for him and he's falling for me. He's never said he wants to leave her for me, but I'm crazy about him and really want to be together. What should I do?

—Falling in Love Laura

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Falling in Love Laura,

I think it's time to have a big talk and tell him exactly how you feel. I wouldn't see him romantically until he breaks it off with his girlfriend because you don't want to encourage his cheating behavior. Being the other woman can't feel very good so hopefully he'll want to be with you too and and you can start an open and honest relationship together. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
cbaby28 cbaby28 8 years
i agree with everyone else...and you can't "make" him do anything. he's getting his cake and eating it you think he's really going to give that up? mostly likely he won't..and besides if you did "make" him choose he'd probably choose her.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 9 years
Cheaters deserve each other. You did this to another woman...think about that. Karma will come back to you. Enough said.
onesong onesong 9 years
i'm so tired of these questions. just go read any of the other iterations of this for your advice.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
This guy can't believe how lucky he got when you were willing to hand over the benefits and not make an issue of his having a girlfriend. What guy doesn't want that! Marci, the only thing I'd disagree with in your comment is I'd make this change... What cheater doesn't want that! Not all guys cheat, regardless of the options.
klandrach klandrach 9 years
I really just wish people could make up their minds and stop cheating. It just seems so simple, if you want to be with someone else then break up with the person you are with. If you want to date someone who is taken then wait for them to end their relationship. That said, I am not perfect and have done some cheating myself but I hope I have grown and learned from these mistakes. I think a lot of people need to grow up and be respectful to the people you are in a relationship with. Sorry if that sounded preachy.
gogengo gogengo 9 years
if he will cheat on her, eventually he will do the same to you. guaranteed.
Jennifer777 Jennifer777 9 years
He cheated on her with you. What's to say he won't cheat on you with someone else?? Sounds like he wants to have his cake & eat it too...
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
once a cheater always a cheater and don't even get me started on knowingly getting in a relationship with him, so to speak, for 3 months, while he has a girlfriend.
bettyboutique bettyboutique 9 years
agreeing with Lucilu... Karma Karma Karma it will come back and bite you in the ass... clearly this guy is not worth being a relationship with. He is playing around with you and the other girl... What if you were the other girl?? how would that make you feel?? I think you need to move on and start fresh this situation will only get worse and you don't want to be with this guy bc clearly if hes doing this with YOU how do you know if you guys end up in a relationship he wont do the same thing with someone else? BAD KARMA stay AWAY cheating gets you no where in life
red4bonez red4bonez 9 years
:-o he has a gf!!! that is not cool to be friends with freaking benefits with a guy who has a girl!!!!! should you make him leave his girl??? for freaking 3 months he has been cheating on her and he still didnt leave her? i should tell her that her goody goody bf who is sleeping with you and her at the same time, lieing to her and disrespecting her is cheating on her and you should leave him too. if hes not honest with his gf now wat makes you think if you two get serious hes gonna b honest with u? eventually he'll cheat on you but if that is what floats your boat then go for it. I personally don't care if he cheats on you and hurts you or whatever because you are the other woman. why can't chix find a man who doesnt have a girl? and why do dudes go through with it and disrespect they women like that? i despise cheaters.
moddivorce moddivorce 9 years
I say, tell him you REALLY like him, but you won't be seeing him - as a friend or as a friend with benefits until he is single. If he REALLY likes you, he'll end the relationship with her and come running back to you. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum - just say what we're doing isn't right and if you become single, the sky's the limit! I did it and it worked - then he and I dated and found out we were better friends than committed lovers.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
The fact that he hasnt already left his girlfriend, probably means he isnt going to. Im sure had you put up some boundaries in the begining he wouldnt even be your friend. Im guessing the only reason why hes with you is because you are ok with him having a girlfriend. He doesnt want to have TWO girlfriends, he wants a girlfriend, and an easy girl on the side that will do what he says and keep her mouth shut. So congradulations for being the "other" woman.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
you should grow up.
Marci Marci 9 years
Oh, and the fact that he *hasn't* left his girlfriend tells you something already. To put it bluntly, you are that woman we all despise. The one with no code of ethics when it comes to a man.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
starts with a SK rhymes with Stank
Marci Marci 9 years
This guy can't believe how lucky he got when you were willing to hand over the benefits and not make an issue of his having a girlfriend. What guy doesn't want that! You can't 'MAKE' anyone do anything, so telling him he has to break up with the girlfriend he already had before he started having 'benefits' with you is rather questionable. I'd just stop having 'benefits' with him, and you'll find out soon enough where you stand with him.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Don't EVEN get me started. You're the other woman honey, give up. Actually he should break up with his g/f for you, crappy people deserve each other...and his g/f doesn't deserve the lack of respect he's showing her.
dyvineessence dyvineessence 9 years
You shoud get out now. You want to be with him now, now that he has a girl? How woud you feel if the two of you were together and he had someone else courting him. Know from now that you can't really trust him if the two of you get together, regardless if he wanted you before he had a girl he has one now. I understand that you now have feelings but get your own man, he's just a tool(dick). Look at it that way, nothing more, nothing Less
Jack-D Jack-D 9 years
I agree, what goes around, comes around. You need to get out now before you get more hurt then you already are.
SummerBaby SummerBaby 9 years
I dunno, i think you had your chance a LONG time ago when he was interested in you. I mean its great that you two get along, but what about the other woman in his life? think about her feelings, and how much she cares about him, and how much its going to hurt her when he leaves her for another woman, and imagine if it didn't work out between the two of you, ahhh i dunno if i knew i caused that kind of pain to someone else just to make me happy i don't think i would do it!... and it also sounds like its more interesting cuz YOU CANT HAVE HIM.... how do you know you will still be sooo into it once he is yours and only yours. AND how do you know, that he wont do the same thing to you that he is doing to his current girlfriend, i think you might be setting yourself up for a bit of a disappointment, but i mean if you really really really think it will work then go for it, just keep in mind there are more people involved then just you and him.
MintedRose MintedRose 9 years
What ever happened to not going after another woman's boyfriend/husband? I never understood why some women do this to other women? If you stood him up in the past and didn't want to be with him when he was available then that should be it. Wrong timing now. His girlfriend probably thinks she is in a trusting relationship! Dump him and start looking for single men and hopefully you will think next time before you set your eyes on someone who is with someone! and hopefully his girlfriend will see the jerk he is and move on too.
texchic07 texchic07 9 years
seriously why do women go after men that are taken? I think the blame for this situation lays mostly on you, you knew he had a girlfriend but that didn't stop you which makes you look really lame and desperate.......the rest of the blame is on him, he has a girlfriend but is still screwing around on her.....this is why I don't have very many girlfriends.....because of things like this
SillyBecky SillyBecky 9 years
Once a cheater, always a cheater.... that's my motto. If he did it to her, he'll do it to you. Don't put yourself out there like that, because you know what'll happen and you will have asked for it.
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