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You Asked: Should I Make the Next Move?

Dear Sugar,

Last Saturday night I met this good-looking guy at one of the college bars downtown. We hit it off pretty well and he asked for my phone number so he could text me later. However, all I got was a friend request on Facebook. I'm usually good at not getting my hopes up, but I found myself venting to my friends about how to take this to the next level. My guy friends tell me that he probably just thought I was attractive and wanted to see if he could get my number. I haven't heard from him, it's been two days, so they think he's probably just lost interest or too chicken to text or call.

My girl friends are telling me that he's shy and doesn't want to be too forward. I don't know what to believe. I've been thinking a lot about this guy and I want to know if I should pursue this or let it go. Should I send him a message on Facebook? Wait until I see him again? Or just forget him completely? Please help!

— Next Step Sammie

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Next Step Sammie,

It's definitely possible he's shy — though, really, how hard is it to text someone? — or he's simply giving it a couple more days so he doesn't look too interested, but my gut is going with your guy friends on this one. If he wanted to get the ball rolling, he could have sent you a message via Facebook when he asked to be your friend.

But that said, I think it is interesting that he did ask to be your friend on Facebook when he could have just as easily made zero contact; your name must have been on his mind. In either case, I don't think it'll hurt to send him a casual message. The very worst thing that happens is that he doesn't respond and if that's case, you won't be any worse off than you are now. In fact, then you'll know that he's not worth wasting another moment of concern over. It's a chance, sure, but in the big scheme of things, it's really no big deal. So go for it, and if it turns into something great, if not, oh well.


Hex Hex 8 years
People are still meeting guys in bars and shocked to be snubbed?
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I'd send him a message.
itsme3683 itsme3683 9 years
I agree with 356UIK... guys are SO stupid. As a college student at a school where if you're not on Facebook, you literally cease to exist, I've had my fair share of these situations. I personally am always too afraid to send a private message that says anything like "call me" just because I'm a wuss and would feel dumb if I didn't get a response. I always would post on the wall with something like "Hey I thought of you earlier because one of my friends/professors/roommates was talking about (insert something that you talked about when you met here)." Then I follow that with something cute. So like if we had talked about scrabble, then it would say something like "Hey I totally beat my roommate at Scrabble last night and it made me think of you. Let's see if you can fare any better!" For some reason, because wall posts aren't private, it makes it seem more casual to me, and that's what I'm going for. Sorry this is so long, but I have many many MANY facebook "relationship" experiences.
356UIK 356UIK 9 years
I agree that he's prob following the stupid 3 day rule. Or longer. A lot of guys waited like 5 or 6 days to call me in the past. Guys are styuupid! ;)
designerel designerel 9 years
You said it's been 2 days since you've met? I'm a bit confused. If that is the case... don't a lot of guys follow that stupid 3-day rule? He might be one of those. In any case, if you feel impatient I would message him on Facebook to get the ball rolling.
FashionLuvr FashionLuvr 9 years
Nope. The ball is in his court and he's not swinging. Move on and find someone who can't wait to ask you out.
ilanac13 ilanac13 9 years
guys in bars are sometimes shady and i'm a sucker for the happy ending but i think that in today's era of technology, if he were shy, then a text would be the easy way to communicate since you aren't expecting the immediate reaction that you would on the phone or in person. i think that you should probably just move on from him, since he's not making a move. it's sad when guys do things like this cause it'll make you hate talking to guys in bars (hopefully not though).
njau njau 9 years
I like how your male friends and female friends answered this situation differently. If you remember sex and the city episode where carrie is introducing berger to her friends and Miranda is talking about this guy and how he was taking it slow and stuff like that. Charlotte goes "he's just trying to be a gentleman, he'll call and blah blah blah" but then Berger jumps in and says "he's just not that into you, if he wants you, he'll let you know, there's no "red tape" with guys" For this I'd probably side with your male friends. Don't hold out for him because you think he is shy.
stumbler02 stumbler02 9 years
I agree with JaimeLeah. Let him know you're still interested. Don't let it die if you are.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I'd send him a message on facebook and tell him to call or text you when he gets some time because you'd love to hear from him. If he reads the message but doesn't call or text then you have your answer.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Text him, see what happens.
Nina_79 Nina_79 9 years
He is not shy, otherwise he would not have asked you for your number. I am affraid if he does not try to make contact again (by phone, facebook or any other way) he is just not that into you and I would try to forget him and move on.
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 9 years
Ugh, I hate Facebook...and any other "social networking" site that perpetuates stalkerism and/or these RIDICULOUS cop-outs for little boys (because, truly, a real man would have the guts to call you on the phone). All in all, I'd say if you want to attract more of a "go-getter" type, maybe stop relying on technology to do all the work? I don't know. I personally deleted Facebook, Myspace, etc. after one too many guys thought it was totally fine to ask me out over them (among the fact that I was beyond tired of feeling so invasive in other people's business, people I barely knew having too much info about me, etc.). I get the shyness thing - I'm pretty shy too sometimes. What I don't get is how creepy it is to build a relationship through a screen. All I know is that now I'm attracting the types of guys I WANT to - who also don't rely on Facebook as a means of building upon anything. Honestly, if he doesn't call you in a few days, but decides to send you a message (oh gee! How romantic!) I'd reevaluate some things...
Jesi_Oh Jesi_Oh 9 years
Although I understand where Janine22 is coming from I have to say that her logic that "if he's interested he'll call" should work both ways. You're a big girl and YOU are interested so YOU should call!!! Get out there darlin', just send a friendly/ flirty msg (keep it casual tho) and if he replies something could grow and if not at least you wont be left wondering if it could have been something! Either way it's your life and your choices. Take matters into your own hands and don't wait around for things to happen to you - make them happen! (best of luck) :-)
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I believe I already answered this question in group therapy, but I'll say it again. If he is interested then he will phone you. It's that simple. If not, he is not worth wasting another minute thinking about. You need to let this one go. I have heard and read time and time again, that if a man is really interested in you, he will phone within a few days. He is not shy, he had the guts to ask for your number, that is a lot harder than just phoning you. I think you need to stop thinking about this so much, because oftentimes men will ask for a girl's number with no serious intention of phoning. It's just to see if she will give it to him or boost his ego. I know that you don't want to hear this, but if he hasn't phoned you, then he is not as interested in you as you are in him. Stop waiting by the phone for him to call and go out and meet someone who likes you enough to call you. Good luck to you.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
I've actually had this happen to me a few times - expect a casual message in your inbox soon enough, trust me. Facebook is a great way for a guy to approach a girl without being too forward, especially if they're shy! Don't write the dude off, why don't you send him a fun flirty little message (nothing too hectic, don't scare him off!) and get the ball rolling. He doesn't need to be at your door with a bowtie and flowers the day after meeting you, ease up!
otaku otaku 9 years
just ask him out. it's not the end of the world if he says no is it? and either way, at least you'll know, right?
Melo-D Melo-D 9 years
Good ole Facebook! LOL. The evolution of getting a date: Phone Number Pager number Cell number E-mail AIM Screenname to finally... Are you on Facebook? LMBO I think you should send him a message on Facebook and call it a day. Don't sit around checking your email to see if he's sent you a message or stay on there all day to watch your inbox for the new message. Head back out with the girls and chill.
runningesq runningesq 9 years
I think you should ask him out -- but just once, and if he's too busy/ has plans/ needs to take the dog to the vet, just let it go. good luck!
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