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You Asked: Should I Move For Love?

Dear Sugar,

I am 29 years old and in love with a guy who is in love with me. We met several months ago, but just a couple of weeks ago he moved thousands of miles away for a job — our relationship wasn't established enough for him to stay here with me over the job, or for me to quit my job and leave everything behind to move with him. We decided to stay committed since we love each other so much, but I feel so sad that he's gone. We couldn't have been more excited to have met each other and spend time together, and now that he's not physically here, I'm feeling incredibly empty. We are both getting to a point in our lives were we would like to settle down, but I have family, friends, and a good job here. He had the same, but was having a horrible time finding a good job in his field so he had to relocate. I plan to go back to school and get my master's degree where I currently live and continue to work at my job. We have talked about what it would take for things to work out between us and he feels strongly that after a year, if we are still in love, that we need to be together. The only thing is that that would probably require me to move, meaning giving up my grad school program, my job, and my life as I know it. I understand that I might be jumping the gun here, but I don't know what to do. Should I try dating other people or should I stay open to changing my life around for the man I love? — In Limbo Lanna

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Dear In Limbo Lanna,

Dating long distance can be incredibly frustrating, but if there's an end in sight, I think it can be manageable. It doesn't sound like he's able to be flexible with his living/job situation, so if you're willing to make him a priority, I think you should take a chance and see where this relationship goes! Since you plan to start a master's program soon, instead of going to school in your town, apply to schools where your boyfriend lives. If you get in, I'm sure your program will help you find a job in your field. If you begin a program where you are currently, it'll make the decision to leave after a year that much harder.

If the distance between you two is just too hard, I don't think you should put a time limit on waiting to see if your love will last — you're in love now and that's what matters. I know packing up your things and leaving your comfort zone isn't a small decision, so I suggest taking some vacation time and visiting your boyfriend. While you're there, really try to imagine what your life would be like if you moved. Get to know the surroundings, do some job hunting, and gauge how it would be to live together. At the end of the day, this is going to be a gut decision so if it feels right, go with it! Your friends and family will always be there for you if it doesn't work out so don't let the opportunity to be with the person you love pass you by. Remember, you only live once!

Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 8 years
Life is filled with so many choices. Should I take this path or this road? But the biggest chance you can take is not taking a chance at all. Follow your dreams and let your instincts guide you. If you don't relocate you're giving up a good man. There's more to loose if you don't at least try. You say you will have to find another job? Jobs are easier than finding love. MBA's are around every corner. If you have some determination, and you really love each other moving closer would be fine. He had to move to find work. That's OK since if he sat around near you unemployed your relationship would be over, so he did what he had to do. Distances are getting smaller and smaller everyday with technology. Do you have Skype? You could talk to each other with video for free everyday until you make plans. Ever heard of Make some travel arrangements. Have fun with the whole thing. It's like a mini vacation to see him then. Make sure you hear from his mouth that he wants you there, he wants you to move in with him. You will need his word that he loves you and will support you in every way if you go there. And have him prove it to you by getting his place ready for you and all those details. I don't think it's such a terrible risk to relocate. What's the worst that could happen? Tell yourself it was worth a shot and you tried for something that was important to you.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
You already sound like you know that you shouldn't be moving to be with him because of all the stuff you'd have to leave behind. You have everything where you're are and you'd be giving up too much for a relationship that you don't think is established. You could try a long distance relationship but it doesn't sound like you want to move and he doesn't have the right job opportunities where you are, so what is the point?
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Wow, if I were you I absolutely would NOT give up a grad school program just to be with a guy I haven't even known that long! You simply have not known him long enough to know if he is the right man to settle down with and uproot your whole life! I have found in my relationships that it takes at minimum a year and a half to get to know someone decently well. As someone else said, you are still in the honeymoon phase when everything seems so perfect. And also, as popgoestheworld said, why is it that he expects you to uproot your whole life for him, yet he was not even willing to stay in the same place to be with you?! I really think you are jumping the gun here. Pursue your own life and see what happens. If you are a priority to him, then he should be willing to make some sacrifices as well. Good luck to you.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i think that the advice there about looking at programs closer to him is smart - that way you can have a life outside of him but still be close. when you move somewhere JUST to be with a guy - you sell yourself short and you end up not making friends and getting out there but if you have classes and things like that - then you get to make new friends and really have a life of your own. i feel like it'll be easier for you to find a job out there as well since grad programs have job counselors on staff. i know you guys said that if you still have feelings for each other after a year, then maybe that shows you that you could make it work long distance but that you want to be together and then it would be smart to consider moving. love it a complicated thing - and i wish you the best.
Dr-No Dr-No 8 years
I'm in a very similar situation. A long distance relationship (for more than 3 yrs now) with MAYBE an end in sight two more years from now when I finish my doctoral program! *sigh* Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't think he could find a job near my city and actually really dislikes my city! So he has said he will never move here. But I love him. And although I'm not ready to say its OK for me to move away from EVERYTHING (family, friends, etc). I figure if I keep at it, I will figure out whether or not it's the right choice for me. So just keep working on your relationship and see what happens. But most importantly DO NOT give up graduate school for ANYONE. Consider going to school full time in the city where he lives; it could be a great way to test out how you feel about moving away more permanently. Once you are done you can always move back if things don't work out!
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Hmmm...I would give it a few more months. There's that honeymoon phase of dating (the first 6 months or so) when you are SO into each other and neither can do wrong. It's after that, when you are done impressing and can be more yourself, that you really find out if you are compatible. Sounds like you haven't reached that point yet, maybe you should see if you make it through that first.
gemsera gemsera 8 years
Every situation is different, and only YOU know whats right for YOU. I took the chance and moved halfway around the world for my man, and yeah, its VERY difficult. I left my 3 month old brother back home, and all my family, my job, everything. You do feel bitter sometimes, you definitely will feel homesick, but if its right then its the right thing to do. You need to make the decision on your own. It works for some but not others. And you will live your life with your boyfriend, sometimes missing what you had. If you are prepared to do that for him, then GO FOR IT! If not, then stay put and keep on working on it.
geebers geebers 8 years
Im agreeing with pop. It seems to me that you are going to resent him -just read your letter! You mentioned that you are leaving a lot for him - and if you were SO sure about him -this would not be a question. I am saying this because I am the type that is probably more selfish than most girls and I would move for my boyfriend because I know he loves me enough to never expect me to drop everything for him AND he would consider making similar changes for me. Is your BF able to offer you anything since you are doing all this for him?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
This smells funny to me. If he was so in love with you, why did he move thousands of miles away? He absolutely chose career over you. And yet, if you stay "in love", then you're expected to give everything up to go be with him? I personally wouldn't make a sacrifice for someone who was willing to make so little sacrifice for me. Plus, why did he get to decide that after a year you NEED to be together if you're still in love? Why couldn't he wait until you're done with your grad program? I know I'm going against the grain here, but I'm not a fan of what I'm hearing. I think you should start dating other people and NOT organize your life around this guy.
talanted08 talanted08 8 years
I've been in a long distance relationship but we ended up finding out that it wasn't going to work! If your in love with this man then you have to make sacrifices for one another! I would give my schooling a chance before I just up leave everything else b/c that's what's going to matter in the long run! You have to do whats right for you and not for someone else but I know love can conquer a lot of thing's in life! Just be wise about your decision and discuss it with the people that love you b/c they know your goals and how you want that to pan out in the end!
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 8 years
"The only thing is that that would probably require me to move, meaning giving up my grad school program, my job, and my life as I know it." Why would YOU be required to move? Isn't he as capable of mobility? The two of you could attempt to avoid the resentment that inevitably accompanies "I gave up everything and moved for you!" if you *both* moved to an entirely new place together. It may not seem very practical, but it *is* a fair option. That way, you are BOTH sacrificing for the relationship together (in equal measure), rather than placing one person in a completely vulnerable position while the other falls into more of a de facto position of authority.
quitecontrary quitecontrary 8 years
I've been there. It's tough. My now husband and I were from different countries, and we spent over two years traveling back and forth to be together for 3 months at a time. Unfortunately, for strong reasons, he absolutely could not move to be with me, so I made the VERY difficult decision to move overseas to be with him. I left my job (with I adored), my friends and my family. I have to tell you- it's REALLY hard. I went through a really rough phase of loneliness and readjustment (nevermind learning a new language!) but after all is said and done, I don't regret it. The only caution I have is to understand that it will be much harder for you than for him, and that you will have to make an effort to not be bitter about that. It is a MAJOR sacrifice you are making, but it will be your choice, and no matter how difficult it gets, you cannot blame him. My poor husband felt sooo guilty when I was having a hard time, because he blamed himself- I had to assure him that it was my choice and that I was okay to go through the tough parts. If you are planning to be in it for the longterm, these kinds of sacrifices tend to balance out one way or another. We we have been happily married for 2 years and we are planning to move back to Canada next year, to a place that I don't know, either- so this time we'll be a little more balanced. Good luck. I truly believe that it can be worth it. Follow your heart. This will be the ultimate test of your love thus far, I can tell you that much!
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
queenegg...that's a great example. I write and read a lot so I'd want the guy who would sit and do something for hours even days at a time. I don't mesh well with busy bodies. You just have to do what's right for you in the long run. And that factors into where you live... because there's nothing worst than an adventurous person moving to a boring town to be with a person who is laid back...does that even sound right? (and vice versa)
queenegg queenegg 8 years
I went the other way. I applied at a school in my area on a whim and was accepted. It turned out that no amount of love could make something work that just wasn't right. We were together for eight months before he left and then another eight while he was away. We saw each other twice a month for the most part and talked for hours every day and it was still very hard. Yes, I loved him and he me, but we were too different and I think the distance made us see that sooner than we would have otherwise. I have my degree, agood job, and a much better suited for me guy. Just please think really hard before you move. Sit it out and think. Think not about the happy good times, but whether you can really be with him forever. Think about when you visit him what happens. I would drive three and a half hours and sometimes all he'd want to is watch football and hunting while I'd have amazing weekends planned. This makes him sound like a bad guy, but he really wasn't, promise. It was just something that helped me open my eyes. I couldn't live my life like that. I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound like I'm being overly picky, but it was my future and who I spend my life with is an important decision as it is for you.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I read this and thought about the thousands of people left behind for years at a time while their life partners are over in the Middle East among other places...they have no choices. I now know not to ever let geography stand between something as important as a chance to love and be loved. This won't apply if you aren't a Christian, but it applies to my life. Jesus is my example; he didn't let 'moving' stop him from loving people. That was the only way to go about it. If he had stayed in one spot, 'Love' would have died before he got the chance to make(show) it. After all, has anyone ever stood in the rain staring at the water puddle, or do they walk around it or just step in it and change your clothes and shoes later... :) Decide together. If you can't decide this how would you live together? Marry? Have children? Decide to have a surgery, medical treatment? Etc...
bigestivediscuit bigestivediscuit 8 years
Eh, I don't think it's as simple as Dear's answer, though I think she offers a lot of good advice. If you move for him and solely for him and to be with him, then you could end up harboring a lot of resentment towards him in the future - especially when you're trying to build a new life over there on your own (trust me, I'm doing it now in a different country than my own). It is really hard when you don't have friends of your own and are trying to get on your own two feet for the first few months or years. The key is that if you move, you have to be able to find things that are YOURS, i.e. YOUR friends, YOUR activities, YOUR job, YOUR hobbies, etc. If it turns out that you guys break up at some point and you're still living in the same city, you have to be OK with that - instead of thinking jeez I wasted all this time here when I could have gotten my MA/MSc, etc. The reason why I'm living where I am at the moment is because I can honestly say I moved for me first and foremost to fulfill a dream that I've had for myself and that it's the same city where my boyfriend is is like icing on the cake. But I expect him to also make a sacrifice at some point when I want to move back home for a while - or I might even have to entertain the possibility that we'll have to break up if we are too far apart for too long. I'd rather live my life than follow someone around like a puppy dog wherever he goes. And you sound like you have too much drive and motivation to do that as well. So make sure the decision is for YOU with the bonus of him and not just ALL for him.
htt3h2e htt3h2e 8 years
I know what you're going through because i've been in your situation since July. Although i agree with Dear 100 %, i'm personally not quite ready to take that leap yet. But since what we have is so strong, I know I'll be eventually. I remember being incredibly depressed and lost the first couple of weeks too because of the void he's left me (even if we talked everyday). Since it's only been a couple of weeks since he's left, I don't think you've had time to take everything in yet. You don't have to make a decision NOW! Give the relationship a try for a year and see how you feel after that. If you can get through that, there's not much you can't get through together.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i agree 100% too! i'm glad Dear gave you the advice she did! you only live once, and true love doesn't happen everyday! take a shot on it. i am likely soon going to be in the same position as you with my bf and i am willing to take that leap too. it's scary but when you have someone there to catch you, it makes jumping that much easier!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I agree with Dear 100%. Long distance with an end in sight can work, but only if you're willing to be adventurous to a certain extent. If you're not, it's not for you, and you'd be better off finding someone in your city. But this guy sounds to be on the same page as you, which is amazing. Find out more about long-distance, and I also recommend considering schools in his area. Are you only applying to one grad school? I applied to 15 - there's nothing wrong with keeping your options open. Good luck!
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