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You Asked: Should I Move for Love?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of a year and a half is moving five hours away in less than a week for an awesome job in a small mountain town helping run the huge ski resort. It’s an amazing opportunity for him, and he’s been so happy since he got the job, but he didn’t invite me to move with him. Understandably, my job in Los Angeles is going really well and I know he wouldn’t want me to stifle that by moving up there with him. He said we can reevaluate living apart once he is settled in at his new job and life, but it’s so hard! It would be one thing if it was a two-hour drive, but five hours is a completely different story. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to go from living five blocks away from him, spending nearly every night together, to living five HOURS away from one another. We will likely only see each other once or twice per month.

He is committed to me and honestly does love me a lot. I know I could eventually move there if the long distance relationship works, but in the meantime, it almost hurts as bad as if we were breaking up! What can I do to ease the pain of this about-to-be-long-distance-relationship? Do you think it’s right for me not to move with him, or is love the most important thing over my career? I don’t want to lose him! Does “absence make the heart grow fonder”? Or is it “Out of sight, out of mind”? — Already Lonely Lynette

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Already Lonely Lynette,

It sounds like this move was pretty abrupt so it's going to take some time to get used to the idea that your boyfriend's going to be far away. I am sure it hurts that he is leaving, but the fact that he didn't ask you to go with him must make it even harder.

I am so glad to hear that you haven't lost faith in your relationship, so try to stay focused on looking forward to seeing him as often as you can. Plan some trips to visit him and vice versa, even meeting half way so you can see each other more often. Since you have been dating for over a year and a half, use this time to reevaluate your relationship. This could be a great way to realize if you are meant to be together for the long haul.

Every relationship is different, but from the sounds of it, out of sight out of mind isn't something you should worry about. Your boyfriend's desire to want to be settled in his job and his home before you move out is totally reasonable. Distance can absolutely make the heart grow fonder, but at the end of the day, you're going to have to make the decision if moving for love is what's most important to you. Good luck and I hope this transition goes smoothly for both of you.


Join The Conversation
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I feel sad reading your post because long distance relationships are heartbreaking and rarely work out. I say deal with it for as long as you can handle and bring up the living situation. Maybe when he is settled he'll warm up to the idea of you living with him. I feel like you can get a job anywhere, but love is the most important thing.
SugarFreak SugarFreak 9 years
Honey it's all about WANTING to make it work. See if you can try to come into work early on Fridays and leave a little early and head straight to his home. Have alternating weekends where he comes this weekend and you go next. Five hours is a long drive, but if I loved him that much, I'd haul my butt there. Take up listening to audio books or something else that can kill five hours. Remember, it's easier trying to make that drive every other weekend than starting from scratch and possibly not finding another Mr. Right.
sgdish sgdish 9 years
He didn't ask you to move with him. Don't follow..don't re-evaluate without a mutual commitment, especially if it means sacrificing your career!
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Excellent points, laimar. I don't think the question here is really "should I move", he specifically has asked you not to...yet. So, as hard as it may seem now, you have to look at this as the next step in your relationship and deal with it accordingly. Whatever you do, don't sit at home pining for him. Take the opportunity to reconnect with friends and do things for yourself that you may have been neglecting. Whining and pining while he explores a new career will be detrimental to you personally and to your relationship.
laimar laimar 9 years
One good thing about long-distance is it makes you rely on the long-lasting foundations of a good relationship: trust and communication. Long-distance will make or break your relationship and either way, it will show you the truth of what your relationship is. When my husband and I were dating, he got deployed for 1.5 yrs. We saw each other for a total of about 3 weeks in this time period. But we talked on IM and video chat almost every day and talked about all kinds of things that I don't think we would have in normal situations, because talking was all we had. It was easier to approach sensitive subjects and we were forced to work out conflicts... I also developed some very strong relationships with my female friends during this period, because I had more time for them! Today we are happily married, and honestly, I don't think that would be the case if we hadn't had the long distance to force us to be more mature and appreciative of our relationship!
fashionhore fashionhore 9 years
I am in the same situation, except reversed. It does hurt and I think that is ok to be hurt by the situation and to think of if as almost worse than breaking-up would be. The only way I am coping is by just reassuring myself that things will fall into place and happen for a reason. If you force something and have it turn out bad, then you will have that bitter taste forever. I would rather let things fall into place than force it for the sake of having a wonderful, lifelong friendship with the one you loved for so long than nothing at all or a bitter enemy.
beautiful1nes beautiful1nes 9 years
I think you're doing the right thing by not moving in with him yet. I would do the same thing and feel the same way you feel if my bf moved away from me. It seems like he really loves you and you really love him just give it time, let him move in then talk about moving in with him, Im sure he'll want you to move with him sooner or later. Just keep in touch with him in the meanwhile. communication is very important in a relationship. good luck.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Just wait and see how things go for the first six months-- see if you can be happy working out a routine of talking during the day, and perhaps a visit or two. Re-evaluate how you feel about being long-distance and whether you would be at all willing to move... feel out your career options. You are right not to move right away-- sometimes the strengths and weaknesses in a relationship really come out when it is tested in a long-distance situation. Just sit tight and feel it out... it's also a good chance for you guys to see if you're on the same page about how much to communicate when you're apart, which is important.
juliekmt juliekmt 9 years
i've been in an ldr for 2 years, and we're not 5 hours drive apart- we're a 24 hour plane ride apart! total opposite ends of the world, 12 hours in time difference, just the longest distance you can imagine. i had the same fear initially, but long distance turned out to be okay for me. its tough, but at the end of the day, it will make you both so much stronger as a couple. i think you shouldn't move yet- see how well you can cope being apart. you'll def appreciate the time you have together a lot more, at the same time learn to grow independent when you're apart. and maybe after a while, when you're sure its really him you want to be with and even the distance couldn't get into the way of your love, then you should move :) good luck.
ClassicsDiva ClassicsDiva 9 years
See if you can set up some kind of finite time line for yourself. It doesn't have to be rigid and unadaptable, but it helps to know that there is an end to the separation in sight. It can even be something like, "After he's been out there for a year, I'll take a two-week vacation to visit him, when I'll explore job options and see if I like the place where he lives. After the vacation, we can re-evaluate." It doesn't have to be anything like "I'll either move out there or leave him after six months," and it can definitely take into account things like your job schedule and whatnot, but it helps so much with the anxiety and insecurity to know that at a definite point you will be taking concrete steps to bring the separation to a close, much more so than just, "Well, I'll probably move out there some time after he's settled in. Maybe. I think." Good luck, be patient, and keep busy.
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
It will work out. I am in O.C. and had a BF in Mammoth and it worked. We did end up living together in the small town... Dont worry. Hang out with frinds a lot when he moves. It will be sooooo much fun when you visit him. Now you have a vacation home!
turkeyjerky turkeyjerky 9 years
Long distance relationships can be tough. My husband has been moving around for various jobs in the past year. This time last year, we were engaged and he moved 6 hours away. Moving in was never an option, since I'm in school. He was there 3 months and I only saw him once. Then, he moved closer (2 hours away) and I saw him weekly, which was great. Then, a month after our wedding this summer, he got an offer for a great opportunity that's 6-7 hours away. Now, I'm stuck here finishing my last semester of school while he's down there. No, it's no fun, especially since we're married now. Long story short, I know how you feel and how much you miss him. We'd seen each other almost every day for 3 years before he moved. I agree with the other ladies...let him get settled, then maybe you guys can talk about a move. My husband and I use video chats and IM a LOT to keep in touch. It really helps to take away a little bit of the lonely. Also, try to enjoy your time apart...go out with the girls or take up a hobby. It'll make time pass faster.
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
Mammoth Lakes?
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
I think you're right to stay put for now- things are growing for both of you and it's okay to have separate places right now. five hours isn't so bad for a weekend trip- and it can work out. just give it time. you may find out that this only brings you closer, and you'll be proud that you didn't shaft your career and what you wanted in the end.
karlorene karlorene 9 years
i feel your pain... except my boyfriend moved 3,000 miles away
designerel designerel 9 years
I think you are absolutely right not to move for him-- just yet. This long-distance thing is a good opportunity to test the waters and see if the relationship is strong enough to last through tougher times. Meanwhile, you can always do video chats or like Dear said, meet halfway somewhere so the drive's not as long. Besides, you say your job in L.A. is going really well now, and I can't imagine there would be better opportunities in the "small mountain town." Give the LDR a try, and if you both feel you are meant to be together, make the move. But for now, take a "wait and see" approach.
missnomi missnomi 9 years
I would be upset too, if that's any consolation. In fact I think it is totally normal to feel like this. BUT: think of it this way: men just have a more practical outlook in general on these things, and what Dear says is true, waiting until he's properly settled in until he asks you to move sounds very sensible.
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