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You Asked: Should I Speak Up?

Dear Sugar--

I have been sleeping with one of my best friends for almost a year now. It's not every day or every week, but anytime we are together especially when there's drinking involved. It's not like we are "buddies" because we don't call each other, and one time he even said, "it just happens." I think that if something "just happens" there is something there. It isn't casual like a booty call if you will. About a month ago, I went to his house and there were candles lit, we slow danced and ended up having sex. Two weeks later a similar situation happened where we were with all my friends and were telling each other how much we loved each other.

I am a person that talks myself out of relationships because I was hurt very badly before. My friends all tell me that he loves me but I guess I am just scared. Our families have been friends since I was 14, and my brother and him grew up as best friends so as you can see, there are many obstacles here. I don't know what to do, I do have feelings for him, but how am I sure that they are true? Do I say something to him? HELP ME PLEASE!!! -- Unsure Sally

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Unsure Sally --

Yes, I would agree, it does sound like there is something there, but if both of you are too timid to speak up about your feelings, your window of opportunity to take your relationship to the next level might slowly pass you by. You say there are many obstacles in your way, but I see them as positives, not negatives. But with that said, make sure your feelings for him are real -- make sure it's not just the chase and the game of it all that is attracting you to him or else your close connection could get a little sticky.

Being afraid of getting hurt by putting yourself out there is a totally valid fear, but if you don't give it a try you might never know the outcome. It isn't like there is nothing backing up your assumptions here. Since you say something happens whenever alcohol is involved, why don't you try hanging out with him when alcohol isn't involved. See how you like being around him sober. If you still have a great time together and if you're still attracted to him, than you know your feelings are legit.

Although wearing your feelings on your sleeve is no doubt daunting, sharing them with this man could be well worth it in the long run, so my advice to you Sally is to go for it! From what you're telling me, it sounds like you are both on the same page just too afraid to take the plunge. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 10 years
Also could depend on age. We don't know how old you guys are, but from the way it sounds, he's lighting candles and is attracted to you. IMO a guy wouldn't do the candles if it was casual sex.
Marci Marci 10 years
I don't know.....this sounds like casual sex to me. He doesn't call you in between hook-ups, so that should tell you something.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
The problem with 'sex buddies' is someone always wants more down the road. The problem is the other person has NO clue and most likely doesn't want anything more. 'Sex buddies' are great for people who don't want to mess with the other relationship type stuff. Do you know if he is currently seeing anyone else, including other 'sex buddies?' Find out first before you take the next step. Now instead of shouting to him out of the blue "I think I love you!" Instead take DearSugars suggestion and try doing something out of the norm. Suggest a sober date instead. You don’t have to demand a date, just say “There is a new Chinese food place I am dying to try out. Would you want to go with me Saturday night?” Try to get to know the guy other than what type of boxers he wears. This way you can discover if your feeling are really growing out of love, or you are just sexually attracted to him, nothing else.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 10 years
he cares for her, and maybe one day he might "wake up" and smell the relationship, but i wouldn't hold my breath, in the meantime both of them are sabotaging any future relationship with anyone else.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
I feel the love - he lit candles for her and danced with her. You know each other very well since your families are close and you can still "put up" with each other! It sounds like you have a best guy friend who you are also sexually attracted to. I think those make the best lifelong mates. Talk to him about what you want and your fears and see where he stands. Hopefully you are both on the same page because I think this sounds like a match made in heaven. Good luck. :HUG:
divalicious23 divalicious23 10 years
I'm sorry to be so blunt by the way but i just don't feel the love from him from what you've written. If he does have strong feeling for you he should be making the move to commit but I don't get that sense.
divalicious23 divalicious23 10 years
It just happens doesn't mean something is there for men. He is taking advantage of the situation. If you want him to commit then speak up but if you don't then just enjoy it for what it is. Men don't associate sex with emotions.
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