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You Asked: Should I Stay?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my current boyfriend for four months now. I generally have a very good time with him, find him very attractive, and I even like his friends. He told me last night that he enjoys my company and is very happy with the way things have been going, but can't figure out why he isn't in love with me yet. I told him it was OK if he wasn't and that we can just enjoy being together. However, I'm finding myself falling more and more in love with him and I'm not sure if I can handle him not feeling the same way. At the same time, I recently got out of a long-term relationship a month before we started dating so I don't know if I should just relax and take it for what it's worth. Please help! — One Sided Sandy

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear One Sided Sandy,

There is no formula to falling in love — some people fall in love at first sight and others take their time to be completely sure before they let themselves feel such strong emotions, let alone share them with the person they're dating. It's also completely normal for one person to feel that love sooner than the other — it would be just all too perfect if you both felt it at the exact same time.

I think you took the right approach by telling your boyfriend that it's OK if he's not there yet but since you're starting to fall for him, I think you should take your own advice! You have a good foundation with this guy so I say just keep trudging along. Your boyfriend might view the L Word differently than you do, but if you continue enjoying each other's company, time will sooner tell if he has the capability of feeling that way towards you. If not, and if you feel like you're in a one sided relationship, then you can make some decisions on your future, but in the meantime Sandy, I think you should relax and take this four month relationship for what it is — two people who really like each other feeling out the unpaved road ahead.


Join The Conversation
Fallen85 Fallen85 9 years
snowbunny, she was out of a "long term relationship" for a month before she met this new guy and now they've only been together for 4 months and she's ready to dump him because he's not in love with her. Doesnt that sound a bit crazy to you? She's jumping from one relationship to another faster then most people even change their engine oil! Classic signs of a serial monogamist.I'm glad you and your man fell in love after 3 months but if he didnt tell you he loved you back after you realized you loved him would you think about dumping him before you even hit the 6 month mark??
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I'd give him a few more months and if he's still not in love with you break up. You might be better off as friends or not have enough chemistry to be a couple. These things happen and there is nothing you can do to make him fall in love with you.
cjmara805 cjmara805 9 years
Why after 4 months are you so preoccupied with the "L" word? Just let it flow!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Oh wow...I definitely was in love with my fiance after like 3 months, and we have been together five years now! Fallen...geez, give this girl a break!
Leanne1078 Leanne1078 9 years
Alright y'all, I agree with what everyone is saying but it is really harsh to think it is impossible to be in love after 4 months--there are situations where it is possible. However, I too feel like you are worrying about something unnecessarily. If he still wants things to progress and things are going good, it means it is worth it for him to stay and see if he can find love with you. I'd be happy with that! I would say that I was definitely in love with my man before he was in love with me, but I didn't rush it and I also told him that if he didn't know that I was the "girl he was going to marry" I wouldn't be hurt or pressure him to feel that way. It was definitely the right way to approach it because now we are on a different level and I can tell that he just needed time to decide things for himself. Sometimes men can really take longer to figure out their feelings.
kristinamarie kristinamarie 9 years
I agree with Fallen85 COMPLETELY. What is four months? Absolutely nothing. I think you should chill out and go with the flow. What you're probably feeling is lust and infatuation with what is new and exciting. Love is what comes after the excitement has worn off.
MissChita MissChita 9 years
Well, he probably could and should have came at you another way than that, but the fact that he mentioned his feelings is a good start. Anyway, you have to determine yourself if you should stay in the relationship or not. Like fallen said, you are a serial monogomist, and it sounds like you always need to have someone. And if this guy is not in love with you yet, then that's ok!! Falling in love with someone does not have a timed schedule or requirement, it just happens. And maybe he cares about you a lot, but he's not ready to make that committment to himself and you that he wants to be with you and you only for a long period of time. So, dear, just enjoy the time you have together. And if after a while you still feel that sense of emptiness with this guy, then just let him know whats up and let it go. But dont start pressuring him or driving yourself crazy wondering why the feelings arent mutual. Good luck!
Fallen85 Fallen85 9 years
This poster sounds like a hardcore serial monogamist (SM). Jumping from one long relationship to another, falling in "love" right away, speeding through a tumultuous relationship and then having a very long, drawn out, dramatic and painful break-up then suddenly, finding love again! Ta da! But suddenly... this "love"-struck SM has met up with a man who doesn't go for the drama filled short-term "long-term" relationship... he wants to take it slow, get to know each other, get rid of the drama and just get to know the woman he is dating because maybe someday he might like to meet her parents and go on vacation together and get engaged and then married and maybe even have kids with her... and this SHOCKS this SM in such a way that after 4 TEENY TINY LITTLE MONTHS he is still not in "love" with her!! What the hell?! It must mean he is not the one and he is a bad person and that SM must move on to the next whirl wind "love"-tastic romance!!! .......right? OP, slow the f*ck down. Get to know him instead of falling in "love" with him. After only 4 months you probably dont even know his favorite colour, or how he got that scar on his knee, or what his mom used to make him when he got a cold... you're not in Love with him... you're in "love" with Love. If you want to stay in "love" then I suggest actually taking the time to fall in Love and more importantly.. give him the time to. He sounds like a good guy, he's honest with you, you guys get along and he sounds very mature. Slow down and enjoy this relationship. If you dont learn to take it easy then you're just gonna run into another SM and you guys will fall in "love" and get married too soon, have kids too soon and finally... get a divorce before you even have time to dry clean the wedding dress. Give yourself enough time to let "love" turn into Love. Good luck.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I agree with Jillerin- it's not weird he isn't in love with you at four months, but it is weird he felt the need to tell you that! Maybe he realizes you like him more, and just wanted to be honest with you, so I wouldn't overreact about it...but on the other hand, he could be thinking he can't EVER see himself in love with you. I'm sure you don't want to pressure him so early in the game, but gently asking for a clarification would certainly put my mind at ease.
MeDestruit MeDestruit 9 years
Love after 4 months?? give me a break! Take a few steps back and enjoy the time you spend with one another, and don't put pressure on "love", when the time comes, it will come.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I also find it kind of strange that he said that he can't figure out why he is not in love with you yet. Kind of hurtful and not really necessary for him to say to you at all. Did you tell him that you loved him and he didn't say it back? Is that the problem? Because otherwise I am not really understanding why it would be appropriate for him to say this to you. In any case, you could worry yourself silly over what this means, but the thing is you really have to trust your gut. Does he seem commited to you and you guys are happy together? Do you have passion for each other and make each other laugh? Only you can know if you want to stay with him. BTW, one month is pretty fast to just jump into another serious relationship with someone. Have you given yourself adequate time to get over the last relationship before jumping into this one? There is nothing wrong with slowing things down a bit if you are worried about falling too fast for him and getting hurt.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
4 months is still infatuation, not love. maybe he's fell for girls sooner in the past, obviously that didn't work out for him.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
At this point, I think you could stay with him or break up - it's really up to you. The problem is not that he's not "in love" with you yet, but that, at 4 months, he felt the need to verbalize that fact. That strikes me as odd. I don't see anything wrong with continuing to date, and seeing where it goes, except that you seem to be falling for him a lot faster than he is for you. Unfortunately, I think what he said may actually be causing you to fall for him faster than normal. Just be aware of all that, be careful with your own heart, and proceed lightly.
skigurl skigurl 9 years
yah, it's pretty weird that he even said that in the first place, but just go with the flow. especially if you just got out of a long relationship and seem to be pretty laid back about the situation. have fun with it!
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
LOL I have never heard of someone having a discussion like this.... "I really like you, but I can't figure out why I haven't fallen in love with you yet, mmm." Anyway, don't be shy about the fact that you are already having deeper feelings for him. You don't have to TELL him yet - just let things flow naturally. Besides, men are always 2 steps behind women ;)
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