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You Asked: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship that has been incredibly intense since the day we met. We lived together, but our relationship has suffered many blows. My boyfriend began to lose his temper in ways I'd never seen before — he became mildly verbally abusive and he's frightened me on several occasions. During those times, I'd go to sleep thinking 'I have to get out of this', but by morning, he would be apologetic and sweet, and he would tell me that he wanted to change. I always believed him and stayed.

Things became so hard on me that I finally moved out two months ago. His behavior has become much less severe, but I still feel torn as to whether or not I should give him the chance to start treating me better. I'm just not sure if his temper has truly improved or if it would return to the same level once we got back together. Am I foolish to think it could work out with someone like this? — Torn Tanja

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Torn Tanja,

I'm really sorry to hear about your boyfriend's change in behavior, but I'm really glad to hear that you've moved out. You say that he's become slightly verbally abusive, but Tanja, any kind of abuse — mild or not — should not be tolerated in any relationship.

You say you've seen him change since you've been apart, but I'd be extremely hesitant to believe that he's transformed himself in just two months. If this is a relationship you really want to salvage, I highly recommend that your boyfriend starts seeing a therapist as it sounds like he has some anger management issues that he needs to address ASAP.

While I'd like to think everything could work out for you two in the end, you need to remember that abuse of any kind is simply unacceptable behavior. Put yourself first and if you find yourself yearning to get back together, please proceed with caution. Trust your gut instincts, and I wish you luck.


Join The Conversation
jocupcake jocupcake 8 years
I think it's pretty clear... run for the hills girl!
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
He's only "changed" because you're not always around to see the real him. You can't marry the man and potentially raise children with him, you wouldn't put your children through that. What would you say if your BFF asked you this same question? Get the hell out while you still can.
suyenyen suyenyen 8 years
I was in a relationship like that & it really never gets better. If anything, it will get worse if you stay. You would think that change will eventually come, but it only happens temporarily & then ends up worse than before. As hard as it may seem, you need to move on.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
you can't go back - relationships progress forward. If you've already decided that you can't live with this man, what sort of future do you have together? none. you can't marry him, and it would be incredibly stupid to have children with him. It's over - you have no future with him. Please move on.
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 8 years
It's Esculating you need to Exit!!!
lexichloe lexichloe 8 years
Stick to your guns. You've moved out, so now STAY OUT. You're obviously the more level-headed one in the scenario, be proud of yourself.
crayolasky crayolasky 8 years
you should absolutely NOT go back to him. be thankful you are out of that situation safely and move on.
fuzzles fuzzles 8 years
Aside from getting away from this asshat, I believe that this woman needs to get into therapy on an individual basis. She needs to do a little work on figuring out why she is even questioning her decision to remove herself from this unacceptable situation. By taking control of her situation and getting some help, it will be much less likely that she will find herself in a similar situation when it comes to future relationships.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I say def. get out now. You will always be wondering if it will get better, or if things will revert to the way that they were. You need to be able to trust your partner without fear. Good for you for moving out! I know it's hard, but I think you need to take the next step.
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
This woman's picture has been used SO many times....time for a new one dear!
starangel82 starangel82 8 years
You did a brave thing by moving out. But I have to agree with everyone else here. You're out, so stay out.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
If what he did to you was bad enough to make you move out then the answer to your question of whether you should stay with him or not should be pretty obvious ......
Lilith1 Lilith1 8 years
I am living a similar relationship. But the problem is I work with this guy so it's extermely difficult to avoid him. I don't want to quit my job. If you have distance as an advantage do it. I know how you feel and it really hurts, but men like these never change :(
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
You haven't learned your lesson about him, have you? Well, if not, by all means, go back and take your lumps, so to speak.
Glittersniffer Glittersniffer 8 years
It's not worth it. You shouldn't have to worry that someone will suddenly start treating you poorly again. Hell, you shouldn't worry about it period. Easier said than done, I know, but it's worth the pain in the long run. After all, you never know when his temper might go even farther. Why stay with someone who you're afraid of?
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
I agree with the others. DTMFA
SusanTeufel SusanTeufel 8 years
I stayed in a relationship 5 years too long because of a similar situation...Get out, stay out!
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
It's great that you moved out but now you need to end the relationship. His temper won't magically improve just because he seems remorseful after he is mean/abusive to you. They always apologize and act sweet after they have an outburst because they want you to stay. It's his way of controlling you. He can be a complete a-hole and then act sorry and apologize and you forgive him. So in his mind he can act however he wants and you'll stay with him as long as he apologizes and makes (false) promises to change.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
you need to stop making excuses for him. he has issues that are beyond you and no matter what you do he will NEVER change. maybe if he works on himself he can change for someone else but the damage has already been done to your relationship. you will never fully feel secure with him, and he will always use whatever excuse he can because he already knows what he can get away with when it comes to you. moving out was a good step. now you need to move on. its time to let go of this relationship. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER no matter what he says or how he acts for short periods of time.
lemamike lemamike 8 years
Move on. His behavior won't change. If you stay you are showing him he can have his cake and eat it too. i.e. have you and treat you the way he wants (poorly!) I've been in this situation before. Get out while you still can!
geebers geebers 8 years
No way...I know you are scared and this is hard but you should be VERY proud of yourself for having the strength to move out. Now stop talking to him and tell yourself you deserve better. Because you do.
Simone-Grant Simone-Grant 8 years
It's hard to move on when you still have feelings for someone. Hard as it is, you've got to do it. Move on and try to forget about him.
fuzzles fuzzles 8 years
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Yes, you are being foolish. Quit talking to him, get him out of your life NOW!
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
Sorry, but, yes you are. Move on and move on quickly.
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