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You Asked: Should I Tell Him I Was Pregnant?

Dear Sugar,

I have been having an off-and-on affair with a married man. I know that it's wrong, and we've been trying to stop, but I recently had a miscarriage — I didn't even know that I was pregnant — and he is the only man that I've been sleeping with. My emotions are completely mixed up. I know he has always wanted children, but his wife is younger and wanted to wait until she was ready. I also know that things need to end between us, but I feel I should tell him about the pregnancy even though logically, I think I should just leave well enough alone. This is my opportunity to make a clean break and avoid any other damage. He and I are good friends, so I feel I owe it to him to tell him. What should I do? Do you have any advice?

— Conflicted Carrie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Conflicted Carrie,

My gut reaction is to tell you not tell him, but that may not be what's best for you. Going through a miscarriage can be a very scary and emotionally draining experience. It's only natural to want to talk about it with the person who you feel closest to, so if you feel that you need to tell him, I think you should. If you don't feel that his support will do you any good, I think leaving well enough alone is your best bet, since I don't think his desire to have kids means that you owe it to him to say anything.

You should use the seriousness of this situation as another reason to end the relationship, which includes the friendship. If you think telling him will create an impetus to keep the relationship going, then I would urge you not to. Instead seek support in your friends or your family, write it in a journal, or talk to a therapist. Good luck Carrie.

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bellydancinmary bellydancinmary 9 years
I would say don't tell him. He's never going to be able to fully give you the support that you may need from your tragedy with a wife at home. This relatioship with a married man is never going to give you anything except maybe exciting sex, other than that, you're not really getting anything in return. He's never going to leave his wife, they never do. When someone gets married, they promise their life to their husband/wife, that's how much they love the other person. I think it is time that you get out of this relationship, before it damages you (emotionally) any further. Think about what you got from this: a saddened heart from what happened to you and a miscarriage. You don't deserve it, you deserve better. Talk to you friends about this, they are there for support, advice, etc. They are there to wipe your tears. Last, but not least, I'm sorry for your loss. You must be very scared and sad. I wish you the best of luck with getting through this.
sass317 sass317 9 years
I dont think telling him is going to help anything. Go talk to a therapist if you really need someone to talk to. You need to end this relationship- my cousin had an affair with a married man and got pregnant. Guess where he is now? With his wife. and my cousin is raising her daughter alone.
Alice-Green Alice-Green 9 years
Before more people jump on the "hate women who sleeps with married men" bandwagon. Not two marriages are alike, we don't know if there is an understanding between the guy she sleeps with and his wife. Don't be that quick to judge.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
I say tell him. It's obvious she has feelings for this guy, and will be haunted by the what ifs if she doesn't tell. Look at it this way: if she tells, one of two things will happen. One, he'll realize he loves her and leave his wife (not AT ALL likely, but I'm sure this is what she hopes for), or two, he'll freak out, see this as a wake up call, and want to end the affair. So she gets what she wants, or she gets what she needs. Not exactly win-win, but logical.
Jacinthe Jacinthe 9 years
You should break it off, but I still think he has a right to know, even if it may not exactly be the most pleasant thing.
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
Break it off completely, and then head straight to a therapist's office. Best of luck.
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
The only reason you want to tell him is so you can keep the thing going. If you really wanted to get away from the situation you would drop it and stay away from him. If you know you are wrong and there is not going to be a child involved, then say nothing. i am sorry for your loss, but you should seek other ways to find comfort because this guy is not a good choice in any respect
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
reach out to your friends for support. you are going through something that is emotionally devastating for a lot of people. don't tell him, just end it. telling him won't do anything but cause problems. i know that you are both consenting adults and this is a result of actions taken by both of you, but you're forgetting something---he's married! he has a wife who hasn't done anything to deserve a husband who is emotionally gone thinking about how he could have been a father. i say leave them alone.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
You have nothing to gain by telling him. If you did that, it would come off as desperate and clawing for attention, whether or not that was the case. Walk away. GET A CONSCIOUS. Count yourself lucky that you have no lasting tie with this man with the miscarriage, and go. You are being used!! Ditto on the disgust of women who sleep with married men. I understand its a dilemma a lot of women face, but I wish we didnt act like it was ok--and the more Woe Is Me self indulgent weepy posts we see like this, the more it seems like its socially acceptable to justify it. Makes my blood boil. I'm not into thinking people should be "shamed" into not interacting with others, a la the Scarlet A, but damn, I dont want to have to comfort a woman on her dilemma with a man who is hurting his wife.
DCRoamer DCRoamer 9 years
Sorry about your miscarriage. What are you hoping to gain by this? To talk over your sadness, or to try and get him to sponteneously leave his wife? Either way, deal with it on your own, and break if off. No good can come from you dating a married man who apparently wants to stay with his wife.
geebers geebers 9 years
Yes- agree with popgoestheworld- I feel like I read these same posts on GT and on dearsugar. Do they get posted twice? It's the same stuff over and over -or perhaps many women are with married men. Who knows? Im not commenting on her affair because I will say something nasty. And also -pops is right- she wants to get this guy back or why bother posting this? The answer is obvious to me. To OP: Sorry you had a miscarriage.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
This was a group therapy post a while ago and I wish I could find the post again to just copy and paste what I wrote at the time. I'm not sure why these posts get replayed weeks after they're originally posted to GT. It's probably not relevant to the poster anymore, so while it's interesting to suss out what advice we might give this person, it seems irrelevant at this point. Sorry for the rant.... and on to the post at hand. I think my gut reaction is that the poster is desperate to tell this guy because she just wants something to make him closer to her or somehow more responsible to her. If she truly wanted to end it, she just would end it instead of brining this whole issue up first.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
P.S. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I'm sure this was really had to go through quietly. I hope you have someone close you can trust and talk to to help you through this.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Don't tell him and leave her husband alone. Don't make things worse than they already are. Get out before you or someone else really gets hurt.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 9 years
I think his reaction will probably disappoint you, but tell him if you think you must. Just don't expect him to become a knight in white armor who will make it better for you, because he is, after all, just a man cheating on his wife. I'd look elsewhere for emotional support. If he was your friend, he wouldn't be sleeping with you while married. Sorry, but it's just his selfish desires he's thinking about. He isn't thinking about you, or what it does to your emotions. And you are being selfish, too, thinking of your wants and needs, and not considering his wife.
Lourdan_Hazei Lourdan_Hazei 9 years
I know this is only going to get me in trouble with the community - but I really don't understand how anyone can justify sleeping with a married person. Its one thing if you don't KNOW they're married, because goodness knows how cheaters lie - but to KNOW and keep doing it anyway... Maybe its just my sensibilities as a formerly engaged woman who found her not-quite-husband was a dog... but I just don't understand the mentality. That rant off my chest, however, to the question at hand I can only say this: No one can answer this but you. A miscarriage under the best of circumstances (er... you know what I mean) is often traumatic and it can be a seriously emotional time. Whether you choose to share with the married man you were sleeping with or just choose a close friend, a therapist, or heck, clergy-member if you swing that way... only you can know what will or will not help you. But like others above, I personally would not bother to tell the man involved because I don't see how it would be beneficial for either of you. Break contact and move on, hard as it may be. Good luck, either way. Its a rough road.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
Telling him will only increase your bond and make it harder to break. Please leave this guy, why do you want to be involved with a married man? Do you really want to be 'that woman'? How would you feel if this baby was born and you were in a weird situation where your baby's father was married to another woman? What would you even do?
Alice-Green Alice-Green 9 years
(and find an online support group for women who have miscarried)
Alice-Green Alice-Green 9 years
I'm not going to judge about the whole "married man" issue but; He is not your friend if your relationship hurts you. One day when the feelings have died out on your behalf, then maybe you can be friends, but there is no friendship to salvage at this time. You're a beautiful bird, trapped in a cage, flee while you can. Don't look back.
Eternity Eternity 9 years
keep it to yourself and walk away.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I would suggest that if you plan on continuing this affair, that you use condoms every time. He will not leave his wife for you, even if your pregnancy didn't result in a miscarriage. Would you really want to be pregnant with a married man's child and left alone to raise a child? Even if he did leave his wife, would you ever trust him to be faithful to you? Don't think you're special, he is likely having sex also with women OTHER than you and his wife. I don't understand why you would even want to be in a relationship with this man?! Use this as a wakeup call that you need to get the hell out of this situation now. You can tell him or not, it's up to you, but I don't see it making much difference, he is just using you and you are allowing him to do so. Have some more respect for yourself!
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
Don't bother telling him. If he really cared about you, he would be with you and not his WIFE. Sheesh, I am so tired of reading about you women on this site who f**k married men...you deserve whatever happens to you.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I don't get how having a miscarriage is an excuse to get out of a situation? Maybe you could use the fact that he is married to get out?
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
I think you should tell him and use it as an excuse to get out of this situation! It sounds like you know what you ought to do but are having a hard time doing it and this is your chance to finally end things. Good luck.
AlleyValley AlleyValley 9 years
wait, am i going deaf or are you having an affair with a MARRIED MAN
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