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You Asked: Should I Tell the Truth About My Ex?

Dear Sugar,

A couple months ago I got a friend request from someone on Facebook. I ignored it because I didn't know who it was, but she kept messaging me, pretending to know me. My curiosity got the best of me so I responded, asking who she was. She said that we had never met, but that she is currently dating one of my exes and she wanted to get some information on him.

My ex and I are no longer in contact — things ended very badly after he repeatedly cheated on me. Part of me wants to warn this girl, but the other part of me doesn't want to even talk about him anymore. What should I do? — Wavering Whitney

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Wavering Whitney,

It sounds like you still carry some hurt feelings about the breakup, so while divulging information about him is completely up to you, I advise you to weigh the pros and cons before getting involved in his life again. The notion of warning this girl might seem heuristic, but I'm a big advocate of allowing people to make their own judgments; I'm sure you'd want the same autonomy. Yes, he was a jerk to you, but that isn't to say that he'll be a jerk to the next girl; then again, he might — it's a total crapshoot.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours and I wish you luck in whatever choice you make.


Join The Conversation
letijay letijay 8 years
I've been in a similar situation. The main difference was that when the g/f contacted me, she told me that they had already broken up, and it seemed that it was more like she was looking for vindication that it wasn't just her. I chose to respond because I remembered what if felt like when I ended my relationship with my ex and how messed up it made me feel, and how there were time I wished that I could talk to someone else who had been through the same thing. We ended up having a phone conversation, and then never spoke again.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
well i think that it's really not your place to tell her anything. sometimes you want to make sure that people know the whole picture, but then again, you're not invested in that relationship anymore, so it's her life to figure out with him and you don't owe her anything. you never know, maybe he doesn't cheat, and maybe she does something equally 'wrong' to him - so you shouldn't involve yourself.
girllovewarrior girllovewarrior 8 years
You can tell her what happened between you and him, even if you do not want to talk about him, you could give her some honest information, she is obviously already suspicious if she is messaging the ex of the guy she is dating at the moment, so it is not like you would interfere, and i think she might want to know... because she is looking for an answer to a question she is already asking herself.. is he trust-worthy? Also, don't you wish someone warned you about him? She might not want to hear the truth and eventually keep dating him, but at least you have warned her... I don't know, it's entirely up to you.
Marci Marci 8 years
I'd stay out of it. The fact that she's trying to contact you to ask about him tells me she already has her questions about him. Let her find out the rest for herself.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
If I was the girl, I would want to know if my bf had cheated like that in the past, even if he wasn't doing anything to me. B/c that shows his character. It shows he cares about himself more than other people. And I really don't think people can change that much. But of course, OP doesn't want to be involved in any of this again. So I say you tell her the quick facts: That you guys broke up b/c he cheated on you X # of times. Then tell her that you would rather not be involved in anything to do with him ever again. After that if she keeps trying to contact you I would ignore her and block her if it comes to that. That way, you warned her, but you didn't do anything to break them up, you just told her the truth which she should have known anyway if the guy was honest. Just make sure you leave any feelings out of it if you send a msg. Just keep it to the facts, feelings will make you seem like the bad guy that's just trying to break them up.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
I would be soo tempted to warn her, but I wouldn't. I would keep my lips zipped.
krae85 krae85 8 years
Why is she doing a background check on him? She must already have a reason not to trust him, but her focus on you is something to be concerned about. I would make it clear to her that he means nothing to you now and whatever happens in their relationship is none of your business. Hopefully that'll remove the target from your forehead, yikes.
cokerad cokerad 8 years
I had the same situation about two years ago except my literally psychotic ex was stalking this girl that realized too late that he had Severe Problems. I warned her to be careful and told her exactly what he did to me. To add a twist to the story, his former ex before me had the exact same story... but I ignored her. Luckily all three of us are safe now, but I decided to get my conceal carry permit just in case. I don't trust him not to see me in public and not flip out physically. But the girl in the OP doesn't seem to be in danger (except for STDs and the like), so use your judgment!
ThePerfectScore ThePerfectScore 8 years
Ignore and block her.... I hate how ppl think FB is an invitation to talk about things they have no right to know. The ex of the guy I'm seeing FB msged me demanding that I tell her what my intentions with the guy are... I had only known him for like a week!!! I swear people are getting way too brave. Her harassment extended from prank phone calls and AIM msgs. Crazy.
hope2be hope2be 8 years
Eh. Honestly, I'm trying to imagine if that were MY ex. Well, when someone asks me (whether if a friend or the gf of him now), why we broke up, I'd probably say it's because we didn't work out well. If they asked specific questions like, "Did he cheat on you?" I'd definitely tell the truth specifically to the questions asked. But usually it won't go that far. I mean, if some girl is msg ing me non stop, I'd opt for 'ignore' button and block. I learned to do that since I used to get random people msging me on yahoo and aim. I now only use skype, I usually just keep to my circle (family members and friends/private/no other people outside the circle can contact me option).
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
Personally I would tell her just because it ended badly and you don't have a friendship with your ex anymore, but that's just me - even though I know it might end up being a messy situation, I would still tell her. I would tell her that you guys ended because he cheated repeated and leave it at that, no details, and let her know that's all you are going to say and won't be responding to her further questions. She can make her own judgment accordingly because it's not like you lied to ruin your ex's new relationship. I'm not so forgiving of cheaters and well...frankly I believe that - once a cheater, always a cheater.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
Do not get involved. Their relationship is none of your business.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Stay away for everything and anything to do with your ex. Those hurt feelings will always be there, and the more they are in yoru radius, they more they will hurt. Trust me.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
she sounds like a bit of a stalker! I'm not sure what I would do to be honest! this is a really tough situation. She'll probably nag you if you do contact her, but there is no guarantee that your ex won't see whatever you write to her and have a go at you. I wouldn't really want to be involved at all :(
I would tell her my experience. Not to be vindictive, but because you would have probably wanted a similar warning. If she's asking, she probably has some inkling that he's off in some way. Good luck.
crayolasky crayolasky 8 years
Ignore her. I have added some of my ex's or current bf's ex girlfriends before on myspace or whatever (in the past). It ONLY leads to some kind of trouble. Anything you tell her could ultimately be used against you. Plus, it's just a waste of time, honestly. If they have problems in their relationship, they need to work it out by themselves. I guess you could simply warn her though, and then say you'd prefer to stay out of it - or just stay out of it altogether. Warning her probably couldn't hurt, IF she suspects he's cheating on her. If you do reply back, just ask her what kind of information she needs. If it's something related to the problems you had with him, she has the right to know. At least, I would really appreciate knowing that kind of thing if I were her.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
I think no contact is best, but if you choose to respond, I would just tell her that the fact that she contacted you in the first place gives her the answer she needs. I mean, really, she knows something's up...let her deal with her own drama. You've been there, recovered from it, and have moved on. Just like she will.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I would actually tell her that he's a slimeball - but obviously, that;s just me!
clarabelle98 clarabelle98 8 years
Yeah, get about as far from that psycho as you can. Going to those lengths is scary and she's either A) already thinking he's cheating so she's asking if he cheated on you or B) a psycho that wants to size up the competition. Yeah, there are other options, but do you really want to take a chance that it's not one of these?
Lukin Lukin 8 years
I would send her a message saying that I didn't feel it was my place to give her advice, and that I didn't feel comfortable talking about my ex. I'd ignore and disregard any further communication from her. No need to have their problems in my life.
aluminum-origami aluminum-origami 8 years
I was in a similar situation about a year ago. My ex boyfriend and his girlfriend after me (they had been together for 3 years) had broken up because she found out he had cheated on her with various girls. She sent me a Myspace message asking if I knew anything about it, etc but instead of adding fuel to the fire, I just ignored it. I would either ignore it or tell her you'd love to help but every relationship is different. Who knows, maybe he's changed?
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Oh man, I am in the same kind of situation. IN FACT I might even submit a dearsugar about it... anyway... I would just say "he is your boyfriend and you need to ask him if you want any information."
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
It won't matter what you say. My friend's ex's ex warned her that the guy was a cheater, but my friend thought she could change him; she couldn't and he ended up cheating on her too
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Whoa! She sounds like a creep. I wouldn't say anything. Ignore her!
Myst Myst 8 years
don't say anything to the girl. That's asking for more trouble than you need.
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