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You Asked: Should I Wait for Him?


DearSugar --

The man that I have been in love with for several years is finally divorced. He called at first and I just didn't give him the green light because I felt that he needed some time alone, or playing the field before starting up a relationship. When I did not jump in, I think he felt a bit rejected and he hasn't called in a couple of months. I know that from the start we have had a very deep connection. Will he get past his getting over and moving on, and then come back to me? Or will he find someone else? ~ Patient Pamela

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Patient Pamela --

It seems there's something missing in your note, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I presume you and this fellow did not have an affair while he was married, and yet you knew him well enough to form a deep connection and to fall in love. Were you friends? If so, it might be wise to have a conversation with him about your needs and your fears, and decide together how to navigate this post-divorce period.

I think you're wise to move slowly and deliberately during this time. Coping with the upheaval, grief, anger and disorientation after a divorce makes it difficult to cleanly negotiate new relationships. Mourning shouldn't be skipped, nor should a period of reflection and self-examination. A very high percentage of second marriages fail, and I suspect it's due, in part, to a reluctance to see one's pain through to its conclusion. However, the fact that you're anxious and riddled with questions suggests to me that you haven't asserted yourself or your needs in this relationship.

He might be feeling rejected, or he might be taking some time for himself: there's no way to know. Either way, if your connection will weather this time, you must have an honest conversation and set some reasonable expectations. Perhaps you begin meeting for coffee every other week? Maybe you have dinner once a month? Or you take a walk together every now and again on Sundays?

I don't know if this is something worth taking a look at or not, Pamela, but I like this list and website, and I think it has a lot to offer, especially if we're confused about the emotional availability of a man. It couldn't hurt to spend a few minutes reading the posts. Please take care of yourself, and I wish you luck.

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grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I'll just second what these guys said: casual is better right now because you don't want to get too invested in this guy and then find out it's not as serious for him. Ending a marriage is a big deal and he needs time to sort out how things went so wrong. I like andaman's idea to invite him out for coffee and casually assess the situation. It might give you a better idea of whether or not this is something worth pursuing or if you should be keeping an eye out for other relationship opportunities.
andaman andaman 10 years
I think it's good to be a friend rather a girlfriend at the moment. But YOU CAN'T PLAN LIFE, if you are meant to be, in the end you will be together (I totally believe in that). I think having a relax attitude towards this situation is the best thing you can do.
andaman andaman 10 years
Why don't you give him a call? Go for a coffee and you can see for yourself how's he coping with it all. If he's seeing someone don't feel rejected. Try to be happy for him. My guess is he's either having fun dating a lot of chicks or he's concentrating on his career. If he has children he's probably concentrating on them.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
It's really best for you to be out of the way at the moment. You don't want to be his rebound to help him through the divorce aftermath. If he feels the same way about you that you feel about him, it will work itself over the coming months. If you have been patient this long, I think you'll be able to keep it up a bit longer... Good luck :)
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
It's really best for you to be out of the way at the moment. You don't want to be his rebound to help him through the divorce aftermath. If he feels the same way about you that you feel about him, it will work itself over the coming months. If you have been patient this long, I think you'll be able to keep it up a bit longer... Good luck :)
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
he called you months ago and hasn't called back. i don't think you have anything to decide or ponder. clearly he has moved in another direction. what i'm wondering is how can you be "in love" with someone who doesn't call for months? maybe the idea of the unatainable man is more appealing than you realize and despite all protests to the contrary; you don't really want to be in a relationship and deal with all the responsibilities that go along with that.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
he called you months ago and hasn't called back. i don't think you have anything to decide or ponder. clearly he has moved in another direction. what i'm wondering is how can you be "in love" with someone who doesn't call for months? maybe the idea of the unatainable man is more appealing than you realize and despite all protests to the contrary; you don't really want to be in a relationship and deal with all the responsibilities that go along with that.
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