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You Asked: Should I Wait For Him?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of a year and a half — I'm 23, and he's 21 — told me that he wants to break up because he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. But he also says that he wants to be good friends. We met at work, so we see each other all the time. He calls me every day and invites me to hang out with him. He told me that we might get back together, but for now he just wants to have fun and not handle the responsibilities of a relationship. He claims he's not completely over me, but I just can't read his signals. I want to wait for him, but I'm scared that I might end up waiting forever. Do you think he's over me? Should I wait for him?

— Longing Lacey

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Longing Lacey,

Though there is always an exception, I think the rule should be that unless a guy is willing to wait for you then don't bother waiting for him. In this case, I can't say whether or not he's over you, but I do know that he's choosing not to be with you, and to me, that's a pretty clear indicator of someone's intentions.

Of course, there's always a possibility for something to work out later on — life is funny that way — but I think in the meantime you should do your best to let go. If that means not hanging out with him then ask him not to call you anymore. While being friends is all well and good, sometimes it's important to put distance between yourself and someone else until your feelings blow over; you can be friendly, but just not friends. Perhaps without you, he'll realize what he's missing. Or maybe you'll realize that you guys are better off as just friends.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Whatever you do, DON'T WAIT for him. He has made his feelings clear. He doesn't want to be with you. Put A LOT of distance between the two of you and stop hanging out with him, especially every day. Start dating other men. Don't do this to make him jealous, do it because you deserve it. Have fun, go out with girlfriends and flirt with cute boys. Don't let him lead you on anymore, don't have sex with him, and don't wait around. Life is too short, and you are too young. Have fun and respect yourself enough to know that you are worth so much more than waiting around for some dude who doesn't even appreciate you.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
Pop said it the best. Why not move on? Then if he does come crawling back, you can always just dump the new guy you are dating if you feel like it. Or you could always stay with the new guy. There is really no point in just waiting around at all!
Marci Marci 9 years
1. He broke up with you. 2. He says he doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship. What more do you need to hear? He knows you're still interested, so he's keeping you on the back burner to hang with. Why would you give him that? He's not giving you anything. Move on.
ehadams ehadams 9 years
Move on and find someone who does want to be with you.
bluestar bluestar 9 years
Don't wait! You're 23...go out and have fun. He's 21...he probably won't settle down till he's 45 if he's already pulling this stunt!
kristyy kristyy 9 years
I don't know why you even asked this question. It's pretty obvious, isn't it? In this case, be selfish and look out for #1 because he doesn't really care that much about you.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 9 years
BTW, never been there or done that. I was asked to do that, but I wasn't falling for the okie doke. Either you're with me or you're not.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 9 years
Nope don't wait. He can't decide what he really wants. Move on, you're young focus on yourself.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
I just went through something like this, so i understand how you feel. But, are you willing to fall/wait for someone that's not willing to go the extra mile for you? If he can't step up to the plate, why should you waste your time? Age doesn't matter, but maturity does. I bet there is at least one guy out there that is willing to give you everything you deserve, just like how your ex is willing to give other girls. Patient my dear =) But it's time to leave this one alone.
Fixe Fixe 9 years
Even if you do work with the guy, don't make yourself available. Make it look like your talking to another guy. If he sees that you're gonna move on without him, he'll come to his senses and it will drive him crazy. lol If he truly still cared about you, he would done something about it. You can still be friends, if that's what you want, but you shouldn't be waiting around for him to make up his mind, and that could take a very, very long time. If you sit and wait, you might lose a chance to meet someone better than him!!! So in my opinion, you're young, you shouldn't wait for him. Opportunity could be a moment away :) good luck, missy :D
skigurl skigurl 9 years
don't wait for him. get over it. don't sleep together any more. limit hanging out time. for the love of god. get a grip. he wants to sleep around. he is not a good boyfriend for you!
looseseal looseseal 9 years
Hmm, it's fair enough to break up for whatever reason, but to add this weird little caveat that he "MIGHT get back together" with you? And saying and doing all those other things to leave you dangling? Those are asshole moves. IMO, an inability to "shit or get off the pot" when it comes to being with someone is an unacceptable character flaw. I wouldn't jerk someone around like this, even if I don't like them that much, let alone someone I actually love. Someone who would treat another human being like a spare for his love life sounds to me like the same species of invertebrate that'd be okay with having two women on the hook at the same time. I'd cut people this young a little slack for being young and stupid. But don't wait. There's no guarantee he'll grow out of it. Some people never do. I know some people who are still like this at 60+ years old.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I completely agree with Dear and everyone else. Can't say it any more better than the rest of the ladies above me. Move on girl. You're like his security blanket. If he can't find another girl, then he'll come back to you but only to "hang out" and have some "fun". You're like a 2nd choice. You'll find someone sooo much better. Don't wait for him. It'll be hard, but he's over you.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
He got off at the 18 month turning... I don't think he's coming back. Saying that I had a guy break up with me at 18months/2 years and then carried on calling/texting/emailing me for the year after. He visited me at University (I travelled 200 miles to go to University to get away from him, he drove me there with all my stuff) like 8 months after the breakup. We had sex and it never really felt like we had broken up at all. However! No mention of getting back together so I started pursuing somebody else. As soon as I stopped returning his calls/texts like I had been doing he was ALL OVER ME. I have emails declaring his undying love, marriage proposals, cards... he wouldn't leave me alone for about 2 weeks. Then he got together with some tart at a work party who he was with for about 2 weeks... ;p Motto of the story - don't make yourself available to him. If he wants you then he'll chase you. If you make yourself readily available like I did for the best part of the year then he'll know he doesn't need to bother chasing because you're so hung up on him you won't bother going anywhere! If he doesn't chase you then at least you'll have moved on to somebody new...
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
He's just not that into you.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Lots of people have already posted great comments. Looking at this from a different angle, what do you have to lose by trying to move on? I mean, what's the harm? Let's say he finds someone else (which is likely). You'll be well on your way to finding someone else too. And let's say he doesn't find someone else and want you back. Well at that point you can choose between the new hot guy you're dating who is totally into you, or the guy who wants what he can't have? I guess I just don't see ANY positives for sitting around and waiting for this dude. I mean, sure, unrequited love is romantic, but it's also really unsatisfying... Good luck.
luckyme luckyme 9 years
My point of view is probably going to be a little bit different from the other posters. I was definitely in this situation and it turned out beyond my expectations. I am now married to "that guy" and we have a baby. We're very happy. BUT, I didn't "wait" for him. We both took a break (and while we didn't work together, I did work for his dad) for a good 2 years. He initiated the break up and I was definitely broken up about it. However, he was living in another state and I was finishing high school and starting college...Our timing was just off. I dated other guys, he dated other girls but we were always in contact. When he was home, we were inseperable. I was there for him for his break-ups and I was even "that girl" that hooked up with him when he was home. He was there for me too. I dealt with some very difficult family stress that he supported me through. Not once did I ever feel that he was using me. I knew that he had feelings for me but that he just wasn't mature enough to deal with them yet. A couple of years later, he did mature. He came to and realized what we had. He moved back here, we moved out together a year later and were married 4 years later. Our relationship is very strong and I can't say that I would want our history to be any different. Anyway, I went on there a bit. If you feel that there is really something there and he's just freaking out. Maybe stick around for a bit. But don't just wait for him. Keep your options open...have fun, date other guys, even. If it's too hard to be around him, then take Dear's advice and put some distance there and see what happens. What's meant to happen will happen. Good luck!
njau njau 9 years
A really good friend once told me after a guy pulled this one on me (and the others have said above), no guy is worth waiting for, if he can't see what good you have to bring right now, he's not worth any of your effort to bring something together in the future. I think you'll just have to completely break things off with him. Our boyfriends always become our best friends so it is hard, but it's the thing to do.
Ginger-Snaps Ginger-Snaps 9 years
speaking from experience, don't wait around. you are young, you shouldn't waste your time that way. i waited for someone for seven years and it ended up being all for nothing. get out and find a someone who wants to be with you now.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Great advice, Dear. OP - leave him in the dust. Don't hang out with him or talk to him yet, and definitely do NOT wait for him!!
watereatsrock watereatsrock 9 years
Your only 21 "wait" doesn't belong in your vocabulary.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
she should wait for call you 3 o'clock in the morning talkin' about "hanging out" because he can't sleep. don't be the dusty b*tch who is like, "ohhh. i couldn't sleep either. yeah, come over." when you were really knocked out sleep and now have 10 minutes to brush your teeth and freshin' up your girl-bits before he comes over. i think mostly everyone on this board has been there, done that.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 9 years
...but wait, I guess I should say he's using you. He's not over you because you're making yourself available for him. If you give him a reality shock, he might put his ass back in line. ......but let's face it, he's a baby. (And he wants his teddybear, lol licksp.) Move on, you're in your TWENTIES!! live it up. Enjoy it.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 9 years
He's not over you. But honey, you need to give it to someone else that wants to keep your luv'n!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
oh sweetie, he wants a teddy bear; someone to come back to and have in bed at night when the world fails him. please don't wait for him. in fact, please don't wait for anything in your life. make a list of what you haven't done in the last year and a half that you want to do. maybe books you haven't read, a weekend trip, sport you want to take up. then start living your life as it is; the life of a single woman with many options. at 23 you have the world ahead of you, there's no reason to look back.
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