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You Asked: Should She Stand Up For Herself?

Dear Sugar,

My friend hooked up with this guy who has a reputation for being a player. We warned her to be cautious, but she said the chemistry they had was different. Things were great between them for a couple of months, but then she had to unexpectedly move due to a family emergency. They tried long distance, but he gave up after making promises of waiting for her, finding her a job in his city, living together, etc., and now my friend is heartbrokenly devastated. It hurts me to see her like this, and she is thinking of sending him an email, telling him what a jerk he is. I don't think that's a good way to approach this — I say just let it be and try to move on — but what do you think she should do? She's desperately asking us for advice, and I don't know what to tell her. — Helping a Friend Heather

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Helping a Friend Heather,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out between them, but I'm glad to hear that she has supportive friends looking out for her. While I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to write him an email simply to bash him, I do understand why she might feel the need to express her feelings and perhaps get some closure so she can move on.

Since you think she should take a different approach, the best thing you can do is just support whatever decision she makes. I hope she can put this relationship behind her sooner rather than later — good luck.


Join The Conversation
cptnruthless cptnruthless 8 years
The most helpful thing that I did when my ex and I broke up was handwrite a letter to him. It ended up being about 5 pages, but by the time I was done, I was so angry and it felt so great - then I went and read it out loud in front of the mirror, imagining myself tell him every little thing that I hated. I never sent that letter (and threw it away once my new boyfriend came along), but it felt so great to put it into words. I bet if I read it now, it would seem so silly!
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
dm8bri, yeah, I see what you're saying. But if they guy isn't connected to the girl's friends or anything like mine wasn't I would say, who cares if starts thinking or telling people she's crazy? At the point where you're broken up with someone his feelings and what he says or does become irrelevant and you do whatever you have to to feel better. If you come from the place where you would feel bad about doing it afterwards, then don't. The whole point is to try and feel better.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
She took a chance with him in spite of the warnings and she lost.That's what happens when you decide to date a loser.I do feel bad that she got hurt. I don't think she should bother sendng him an email either, however I do think writing a letter to him and not mailing it is a great idea and maybe a way to get some closure for herself .If he's that much of a player then he's really not going to care what she has to say in the email especially since she wants make it a nasty gram.Tell your friend she'd be much better off just walking away with her pride still in check and get on with the business of living.He's not worth the effort.
Karelynn Karelynn 8 years
I agree with the comments - Emailing or contacting him at all isn't going to get the closure she needs. It would be better to deal with her feelings by talking to friends or writing about it, it's much better to empty her mind & heart of her pain without actually contacting the person who hurt her.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
She should write a letter to herself, stating the in the future she should heed warnings.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
The more she dwells the less she'll move on. Just suggest to her, to write a letter to him, on paper or in email, but like demi serena said, don't send it. It's a really good exercise to get our her frustration, I guess maybe write it down and paper then burn it. And get rid of any stuff that from him that reminds her of him. But well, she'll obviously need time to go on, so she's gotta cold turkey it, cut off communication, and absolutely hate this guy. If she needs to, stand in a room and just yell and scream and cry, maybe even throw some stuff (non-breakables if you a pillow and some sheets...maybe). It takes time but you get over it and move on and learn from all this crap...It's best to just cut off the lifeline if you're trying to be happier and move on.
demi-serena demi-serena 8 years
writing an email isnt necessarily bad.the thing is just dont SEND it, just right everything you have to say on a pretend email or lettter.always makes me feel better but i wont regret it
doleychitown doleychitown 8 years
Don't send him an email. use that energy to do other things. Let good old Karma work on him. I truly believe everyone gets what they deserve in the end, whether they get their heart broken the same way or they never find happiness or true love.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
sprinkibrio, you'd be surprised. Even good guys will find an "excuse" or whatever to let themselves off the hook and feel less guilty. But especially if the guy is a player, which was clearly stated in the question. Also, I've dated a few guys who told me their exes were a little crazy...since I was into the guy at the time I didn't think that reflected badly on them. As an outsider, I would think the girl was wasting her time to write an email/letter, especially if it's just to vent.
mguy414 mguy414 8 years
I am actually confused, because the way I read it, he was trying to get her to come live with him, he even found her a job in his city? Or is it that he merely said he would find her a job and they would live together and then he randomly gave up?
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
To those who say don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are hurt... are you kidding? If he has any heart at all, he will feel worse for making someone uncharacteristically angry. No guy can seriously claim a girl who he's dated for a long time is crazy because she emails him angry things after they break up. Whenever I hear someone unrelentingly complain about their ex I always wonder what the real story is, and I think claiming an ex is crazy makes the guy look bad for even dating her.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
I would like to add, if she's doing it to get a response or make sure he reads them it's not going to accomplish what she wants. If she doesn't give a care if she hears from him again and just wants to plain tell him off, there is no problem... especially if he can't pass those emails on to mutual friends and claim you are crazy. Some guys deserve to get a kick in their ass and they know it.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
I sent my ex about 20 emails in a span of two days to his blackberry while he was at a company meeting out of town after we broke up. Good idea? No, but who cares. What is he going to do to me? I am so very rarely angry I didn't know what to do with myself. In the end he gave a heartfelt apology.
notinthemood notinthemood 8 years
She will be the psycho ex if she sends a letter. He isn't going to suddenly feel bad and come back to her. Revenge only really works in the movies.
ladyr ladyr 8 years
I think she should just move on.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
Emailing him won't do anything, but I kind of like the idea of writing a letter and then burning it. She could also write her feelings in a journal or something. Sometimes just expressing your emotions is enough to help you get over something that angering. I mean, it sucks that this dude left, but some guys are just jerks and she should be happy that she knows now that that guy isn't right for her.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 8 years
Hmm...this is a pride issue and ur friend will regret if she sends the email and feel even worse after that... dont do it.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
Don't write the email. It will only show that you are hurt and affected by him. Don't give him the satisfaction. If you are expecting some sort of apology you're not going to get it. I fully understand the urge to give him a piece of your mind but please don't. Just forget him and move on.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
She's in a new city and has a new life. She probably won't see him again and doesn't even have to worry about seeing him on the street or at the supermarket. I say she completely cuts off contact (not like he cares anyway) and really keep herself busy with her new surroundings.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
Honestly, sending an email to the guy will only give him satisfaction. If nothing else, it would be ammo to tell his friends "oh, she was psycho anyway" etc. The best way to deal with something like this is grieve amongst friends, count it as a lesson learned, and learn the warning signs so you don't repeat the pattern w/ another player. Chances are she's more angry at herself than him - for ignoring the red flags and opening herself up to hurt. That's how it was with my a**hole ex - of course I know that he's a jerk, but I was more angry at myself for allowing him to pull the wool over my eyes. The best revengs is the high road - and the views are much better.
Ster Ster 8 years
I can see why she would want to tell him. Just to get it off her chest, to have said it and then be able to move on with life. I agree that it all depends what she's expecting from that mail. If she doesn't care what his response - if any - will be, but she's doing it purely for herself, then by all means ... If she's hoping for some sort of magical turn-around and will only be more heartbroken if it doesn't happen, then disuade her. If she does write the email, make sure it's dignified. Not some incoherent rant, filled with swearwords that she's going to regret later on (and will probably only convince him that she's a bit loopy and he did the right thing by keeping her at arm's length).
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 8 years
I agree with RunninginBoston. An email would surely be lost on this guy, and sending an email like that rarely gets the closure one is looking for. I hope she finds a way to get closure on this horrible situation. However, he just proved he isn't worth her time.
Mod2 Mod2 8 years
If it were my friend, I would ask her what she wants to get out of sending this email. Is her only desire to tell him off, which I think means, how much he hurt her? Or, is she hoping by sending it he will somehow realize how much of a jerk he is, that she is the only girl who ever set him straight, and he will be transformed into the guy she knows he can be? If she wants to send it because she has some hope for turning him around, she will most definitely just get hurt. But, if her expectations are AT BEST, he reads it and says he's sorry, but he still doesn't want to be with her, then I don't see how it could hurt.
RunninginBoston RunninginBoston 8 years
I agree, writing the guy is a bad idea. He's a jerk and he knows it. Sending an e-mail won't do any good. How about your friend writes down everything she's feeling on paper and then burn it? Could be cathartic.
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