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You Asked: Should We Invite Them to Our Wedding?

Dear Sugar,

My fiance and I are getting married in August, and we are torn about whether we should invite one of our friends and his wife. We have been friends with him since college (nearly a decade) and he has been a wonderful, sweet, supportive, understanding friend and husband. His wife, on the other hand, could not be less supportive or more selfish. Several months before their wedding, she told him that he had to stop talking to all of us because she found out that he had a minicrush on one of the girls in our group during our freshman year of college— long before he even met his wife. She said that we all reminded her of the "other" girl, who is happily married to someone else! She threatened to break off their engagement, so he cut all ties with us immediately. She eventually eased up, but things are definitely awkward for everyone.

We were quite surprised to receive an invitation to their wedding last year (none of our other friends did), but she did not even acknowledge our presence during the rehearsal or the big day. I would like to invite him to our wedding, and I would like him to feel comfortable bringing his wife. However, it is difficult for me to stomach the thought of someone attending our special day who has caused so much pain and heartbreak within my group of dear friends. I really want this day to be drama free, so what should we do? — Don't Need the Drama Nina

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Don't Need the Drama Nina,

This is a very tough situation, and I'm sorry to hear that this woman has caused so much heartache for your friends. Although your wedding is supposed to be about you and your husband, I do understand how political the day can be too. The decision is ultimately up to you, but have you thought about inviting them but seating them (far) away from your other friends so she doesn't have an opportunity to make them feel uncomfortable?

I know this isn't an easy decision, so perhaps you and your fiance should write out a pro and con list to weigh your options. If you have some time to make the decision, maybe having a heart to heart with this woman would be beneficial, as it's pretty clear by her behavior that she's simply just jealous of you and your friends.

I know this is the last thing you need on your plate right now, so listen to your gut and make whatever decision will cause the least amount of drama. Good luck!


kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
I'd not invite them, to be honest with you. I don't need the 'drama' and he has 'disowned' you and your circle of friends before and things have gotten so awkward. Or if you really had to, do what they did to you, invite then seat them so far away from the other friends and basically 'ignore' them too if they come (just keep things to really short 'hi, how are you, thanks for coming' then poof-be gone). I can be 'vindictive' that way LOL.
clew001 clew001 8 years
ax them. who needs the drama?
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Bunk that! Don't invite them. He decided that your friendship was disposable when someone told him to, well, if you're that disposable then so is he.
lizlee89 lizlee89 8 years
your day
lizlee89 lizlee89 8 years
this really irratates me. I really think when you get married, it needs to be you and your spouse against the world. he decided to marry her despite the fact that he knew the way she was before, and now he needs to live with that decision. I do not subscribe to "obligation invitations" and I don't think you should either. IT"S YOU DAY, and you should not have to put up with people who are rude and disrespectful to you. if he is a true friend, he will understand that and stay home with his wife, as he should...
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
hehe, I'd probably put "mr. blah blah and GUEST" rather than "mr and mrs" on the invitation, and seat them as far away as you can from the other friends from that group, perhaps with the distant relatives table? haha, seriously though, the other posters are right. You have to decide whether having an old friend at your wedding is more important than an 'issue' with his (clearly irritating) wife. After all, they may decide not to come, since surely all the other friends from that group will be there!
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
I had to do this for my wedding, but in my case it was my uncle and his INSANE wife. I called him and said: Look, I'm sorry, but I don't want your wife at my wedding. She is disruptive and unpleasant, and I'm not willing to have that kind of mood at my wedding. I have struggled with the decision to tell you this, because I don't want to offend you, but I feel that I need to do what is right for me and the rest of the family. If you would like to come without her, please consider yourself welcome, but if you would like to tell her that we didn't invite you and stay behind, please do what you think is best - I don't want to cause trouble in your home. So, he didn't come!! No skin off my back, and honestly, he wasn't upset. He actually totally understood, and decided to just tell her they hadn't been invited. She was upset, but he wasn't, and honestly, that's all I care about. I would go the honesty route, but make it a phone call or a face to face - don't put anything down in writing!!
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Invite him because he's your friend. Just scribble out the 'plus one" ... ;)
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
You have to invite him, he's your friend - it doesn't MATTER if his wife is a heinous bitch. All that matters is that he has the opportunity to join you at your wedding day, and have a good time with you and your mutual friends. Let his little wife sulk in the corner, or whatever it is she does - just ignore her and don't bring any attention on her (she obviously thrives on it). Have a nice wedding!
nicklover nicklover 8 years
wow. hmm tough situation. i would invite them and put them with all the old ppl. srry but that would be the best way to me and make sure there theyre far away from your other friends.
Briandiesel Briandiesel 8 years
If you want him to be there, invite them. If you dont want him to be there, don't. Thats all you need to worry about-
care0531 care0531 8 years
Put the ball in their court. Invite them and see if she even wants to go.
runningesq runningesq 8 years
Um, PieceofCakes, I hope that's a joke! You cannot invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception ! to the OP ... I think you should send an invitation and let them decide. If she throws a fit at the wedding or creates drama she'll look like the fool.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree -- don't invite them. Besides, he's p*ssy whipped. He had "cut all ties" with your social circle when she threatened to break their engagement?? Sorry, he's not a real friend. I wouldn't consider inviting him and his poor choice of a wife. JMHO.
PieceofCakes PieceofCakes 8 years
Or... just invite them to the ceremony... not the reception. Done!
PieceofCakes PieceofCakes 8 years
Don't invite them. Problem solved.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
I would at least invite them, but I would definitely seat them at a different table than the rest of your friends to minimize the drama. If this woman really doesn't like your friends as much as it sounds like, maybe she won't show up at all and you'll have a drama-free day. And if she does come, she'll probably end up sulking in a corner feeling sorry for herself.
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Is this story confusing or what?
candace87 candace87 8 years
I see that you want him to feel comfortable bringing her but.. if it were me, I would send the invitation with ONLY his name on it. No +1, no Guest, and make that clear. But since you want her there for some reason.. just invite them.
bengalspice bengalspice 8 years
Invite them ... and seat them far away. If she really doesn't like you guys, she'll either decline the invitation, or she'll sit tight in some corner while her husband hangs out with all your friends across the room from her negative vibes.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i wouldn't invite them. the pros of inviting them is that you like the guy and would like to have him celebrate with you, and that he would not feel unwelcome. the cons of inviting them are far bigger: could cause drama, could alienate your true friends, could make everyone uncomfortable, would cause you worry ahead of time... etc. etc. just cuz they invited you doesn't mean you need to also invite them. just don't bother because your gut is already telling you not to. and there's not a chance that this guy won't invite his wife when she's obviously crazy controlling to begin with.
fantome14 fantome14 8 years
This is so similar to a story of a friend of mine (down to the Auguest wedding) that I thought it was her for a minute, but she was actually in the bridal party of the offending person and has since decided to cut off all contact with her and her husband. Whether you choose to invite these people depends, I think, on whether you want to maintain a friendship with the husband. If yes, you should invite them and cross fingers they won't attend. If they do, I agree with those above who said to seat them far away. You actually won't get to see too much of them on the big day anyway, so if you want him there and aren't too afraid she'll make a big scene, it's probably safe to invite.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
Unfortunately, if you send the invitation to him he will bring her. She sounds so immature and selfish that it probably wouldn't occur to her to stay home, even if she doesn't like you and your fiance. It's beyond tacky to send an invite to a married couple and stipulate that the wife stay home, so don't go there. Basically, you're going to have to decide what is more important - having your long-time friend at your big day and ignoring the potential wife drama, or leaving him off the invite list and avoiding it all together. If you go the latter route you better be prepared to explain yourselves. Seems to me, since he married her even after the childish outburst and manipulation, he won't agree with your opinions about his wife and the whole thing might cost the friendship.
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 8 years
Gosh, what a horrible situation. If you are having a big wedding, I'd say sit her FAR away from everyone else so she doesn't bother anyone like Dear suggested. If it's a small wedding, then that's a good excuse to not feel bad for not inviting them. I am all about avoiding drama at all costs -- especially on such an important day! Is there a chance that if you send the invitation that she just won't come?
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