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You Asked: Should We Be More Than Friends?

DearSugar --

So, this is a classic case of "I have a friend I like like that and I don't know what to do about it"! This guy and I have been hanging out since about September of '06; we met at a friendly gathering, and had a lot in common right away: similar interests, personalities, etc. and we got along well. We hang out frequently & talk or text almost daily; we exchanged Christmas gifts, I got him a birthday present, etc. I took him to the doctor & took care of him when he was sick. He helped me move & has attended some social events with me, yada yada, yada.

We've never officially been on a date; we've gone to the movies together & dinner, but we usually each pay our own way or whomever has the cash at the time buys. We're planning a trip together this summer; we'll be in his hometown, so he's staying with family & I think I'll be staying where the event is being held. Thing about it is, I really like this guy. I go back and forth on how he may or may not feel about me CONSTANTLY, and the minute I think all is platonic and I get comfortable with that, he does or says something (surprises me with a gift, makes flirtatious comments, etc) that makes me think otherwise.

Neither of us is dating anyone, and we haven't since we started hanging out. He gets defensive when I start talking about other guys, but then occasionally he'll bring up other girls, too. I don't know if I should jump in at let him know what's on my mind, or be content with the friendship, which I'd HATE to lose. I think if I do tell him, I might mention it on our trip. HELP! -- Platonic Pam

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Platonic Pam --

Wow. This really sounds like a wonderful friendship; it also sounds like really solid ground for a romantic relationship. The thing is about honest-to-god friendships, they're not as fragile as we imagine, Pam. I've been on both sides of this fence -- I'm sure many of our readers have, too -- and where there was genuine affection and friendship, we always made it through the initial awkwardness. If you knew for a fact you wouldn't lose his friendship, what would you do? I know this requires real emotional risk on a few levels, but from what you've described, it sounds like a risk worth taking.

I like the direct approach, but that's the kind of girl I am. What about waiting until after the trip? (In a perfect world, without a booked vacation, I'd say do it now. You might really think about that anyway, Pam.) Either way, the fellas seem to need to be doing something, some activity, during these kinds of conversations, so broach the topic at a casual dinner or on a walk. Be honest. I don't think playing it cool ever really works, especially if someone knows you well! Tell him he's one of your favorite people and that you consider him a brilliant friend. Tell him you feel nervous bringing it up (if you are), because more than anything else you want him to help you move again someday, but you were wondering if dating each other might be an interesting thing to do next?

Make sure he knows you're serious, Pam, and not just playing around. And make sure he knows you're perfectly willing and perfectly able to remain his friend if that's what he thinks is best. Sometimes life asks us to pull back the curtain and reveal ourselves. Since you asked, I say be brave, be yourself, and let the chips fall. I get from your note that you're pretty much there, Pam, that you'd like to know what else might be possible. It will feel terrifying. It will also feel like an enormous relief, no matter what. Courage, courage, courage, cowboy; I saw this written on a wildly whimsical painting & I say it to myself quite a lot ever since. Now it can be your mantra, too. Promise us you'll follow-up here? Please. Ladies, what do you think?


Join The Conversation
Miss-K-Smith Miss-K-Smith 10 years
this is how i met my boyfriend and we have been together for a year now.. we even work together and go to the gym together and have all the same friends! wow lol
andaman andaman 10 years
If I were you I would ask "how do you feel about me?" and see how it goes from there. I think he likes you but he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. It seems you like him romatically too. Good luck girl!
pinknfluffy pinknfluffy 10 years
Yay Megg21!!! Well i've been on the recieving end of this... An excellent guy friend wrote me a long letter about how he was totally in love with me and could see himself marrying me etc.... sadly i totally had no romantic feelings for him, but suspected (along with ALL our mutual friends) a major crush.... we chatted about it and it broke my heart to tell him that i didn't feel the same way, and he cried a bit (broke my heart even more!!) but we're still good friends 6 YEARS LATER and can even kinda joke about it. By the sounds of things though, you guys are gonna end up more than friends very soon :) Good luck! The greatest thing ever is for your boyfriend to also be your best friend!
Megg21 Megg21 10 years
I joined just so i could post this comment! Go for it! I was in a really similar situation except mine was even slightly more complicated. I lived with a guy (we needed a new housemate in my home in London) and though i was really busy the first month gradually we got to know each other and realized we had so much in common. We both had jobs that were kind of dull so we began emailing all the time during the day up to 10 times during the day and would go out for dinner and stuff since we both loved eating out in London. There were a couple of moments where something could have happened but never did. Oh and did I fail to mention up until December he was in a long term relationship which he then ended. A month later (after months of denying how i felt about him) I just went for it after a murder mystery night and we were goofting around and i thought 'no, this is more than friendship' and kissed him. Long story short (well i didn't shorten it THAT much!) I had to move back to Canada but we're still together and honestly I can't imagine being with anyone else. Sometimes not everything is perfect but when you are with a person who you have great chemistry with and who you care about - it's worth taking that risk. I'm so in love with my boyfriend and I think even if it's scary, the risk is worth taking the relationship to the next level.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with nicachica; sounds like you're already dating - except for the fact that there doesn't seem to be any sex going on. He sounds terrific, too. I think that when the moment is right, you'll know it - then act on the moment. Good luck. I hope it works out for you!
nicachica nicachica 10 years
lol...geez, it already sounds like you're dating! this is pretty much the way i am with my boyfriend (adding in lots of good lovin) and it looks like you're on your way to having something really special with this guy. he sounds like a great catch! but i'm not sure about waiting until After the vacation since that's a few months away. Do you want to do it now or wait awhile? it's up to you since you know the situation and know if you can keep your feelings in check until then. Good luck!!! :)
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Dear's advise sounds right on. You should definitely be honest with this guy about how you feel (waiting until after the trip could be good, so he doesn't feel pressured to be really couple-ish around his family). It sounds like whatever happens, you will at the very least have a wonderful friend and that's a great thing. Best case scenario, he feels the same way you do and hasn't brought it up for fear of losing you as a friend. You two obviously value being in each others lives and the fact that he gets jealous when you mention other guys really makes me think he's into you! I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you've met someone really special!
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