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You Asked: Technology Is Ruining Our Relationship — Help!

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and I have increasingly noticed that he can't seem to get off the Internet, Facebook, his cell phone, or AIM. Don't get me wrong: I also enjoy these social outlets, but I know when to give my boyfriend attention. Some days are technology-free, but other times, we are often interrupted by text messages or Facebook notifications that come to his phone. I've tried to bring this up and he always tells me that he needs to keep in touch with his friends, but I find it hard to believe that he has to be connected 24/7. I'm beginning to think that this relationship is doomed by technology. Any advice? — Feeling Second Best Bianca

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Feeling Second Best Bianca,

I happen to think we are all a little too reliant on staying connected — I'm guilty of this myself — but the only way to break the habit is to make a conscious effort to change. Having technology-free days is a great start, but if you're feeling like this habit of his could actually ruin your relationship, talking with him about it and explaining your side is crucial. Keeping in touch with friends is important, but see if you can't agree on a middle ground — no phone or computer after a certain hour or no phone or computer while you're spending quality time together (especially in the bedroom!). If he agrees to an understanding like that, you have to give a little too and let him have free reign during those non-off-limit times.

Hopefully he'll be able to see how his actions are affecting you and your relationship before it's too late. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I am guilty of this. I do put the laptop to one side though as soon as something worthy of my attention happens though. If we're just sitting around or whatever then I'll be online.
melizzle melizzle 8 years
I'm guilty of this- the solution has been declaring tech-free time. Like after 7 p.m. on weekdays, no more compy for me and hubby.
hope2be hope2be 8 years
I'm soo very happy that my fiancee is NOT technologically inclined :p He's the last to know when it comes to i-phone, blackberry, etc. We don't have i-phone, blackberry, i-pod or any type of video games consoles (sure we have internet, cell phones and I get to play pc games from time to time--but that's the farthest we've gotten). He told me it's a conscious choice and he wants to stay that way. He's starting to rub off on me a little :p
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 8 years
Some of these comments come off as a bit controlling. - "Can't get through a movie/conversation without him texting...???" How can a text annoy someone so much? You want him to ignore his friends to pay attention to you. You're basically saying I need your attention on me the entire time we're together or I'm not happy. Just seems to me like the girls who want to control how much their bf's texts, emails, web searches or whatever other techie thing he does....are the most insecure. I agree that texting at important times is sometimes annoying, like say during a fight or during a conversation that is important to you. Playing video games for 10 hours a day should be worrisome. If any of you date a guy that plays World Of Warcraft then I do feel your pain....I live with my bf and he plays WoW and that can get to be a bit much. I just don't think staying connected is a bad thing. People (me included) love the convenience of being able to check email, social networks and messages anytime, anywhere!
nuttmegs17 nuttmegs17 8 years
I def. agree that technology has gotten out of hand. Now that you can put facebook on your iPhone, the status updates have gotten crazy (one friend actually finished giving birth, then immediatly let the world know she was tired ...really?! Nows the time you want to update your profile?!) Texting is what is really annoying b/c its so easy to respond to and even do on the sly when you are supposedly with other people - i seriously think it keeps you from engaging with those around you...when you had to call, usually bars etc were to loud so you wouldnt answer right away, that he shouldnt be on his blackberry the entire time. It worked, but it's amazing that you even have to point out to people that thats rude. I've also seen texting causing problems and leading to affairs,etc. crazy stuff
thelorax thelorax 8 years
My husband works very hard, very long hours, and he likes to play video games/computer games/talk on the phone in his downtime. He zones out and forgets everything else around him, which can be a problem. I'll text/IM him something dirty, that usually gets him to snap out of it.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 8 years
My partner used to hang out with his computer/laptop a lot when I was over. He stopped doing it when I started commenting that it wont hug him back, give him a decent conversation or see to his basic physical needs. Though I an ex who was a complete technophile, when he wasn't on his computer he was playing with his new camera or banging on about something gadgety. But I'll always remember when we went out for drinks and he insisted he'd go to bed after he'd checked his e-mail. I woke up three hours later and he was still online going through his RSS feed! THAT was a dealbreaker.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
LoL, Muirena, I forgot about cyberporn + Palm-ela...and all that cybersex and phone sex business, good point...hmm, this is sad. But! There could be a way around this! Join in with him, maybe make an alias and post some sexual explicit stuff on his just kidding...maybe facebook it up with him and flirt about...and maybe in a few messages say "honey, I really miss realworld time with you, this cyberstuff doesn't feel as good as real touching." If that doesn't work then he's definitely cybered (it's my new sexual orientation term).
serenavallentine serenavallentine 8 years
my husband is like this. we both love our blackberry's and all but when it comes down to it, we cannot get through a meal/movie/conversation without him checking his facebook on his phone, or texting. or even when he does put his phone down, then he's on our laptop or playing video games. i love technology, but i love the real world too!
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
I love Facebook myself. I would just show your love for your bf via Facebook and let his 365 friends know how much you love him. :)
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
Technology stinks sometimes. I say give him a dose of his own medicine and be busy on the computer, phone, etc. whenever he wants to spend time with you. Maybe he will get the picture then. And I really do think facebook and texting in particular are pretty bad sometimes. People need to remember how to actually connect with each other in real life. GScott: "Unless technology replaces sex too" = internet porn. It's already happened! Watch out! :-P
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Try being connected when he wants time when you, or maybe just go have fun and let him marry his technology. He'll come running back, probably when he wants sex. Unless technology replaces sex too...
Anne26 Anne26 8 years
Yep, technology ruined my relationship too. It sucks. I wish things were like in the olden days where we could only find out about people through friends and have of that was rumors so to know thw truth you would actually have to communicate with the person. I wish facebook never existed. It causes more anxiety.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I would say 'I am not going to talk to you while you are (on the phone/facebook/whatever)' and then walk away. I would try this for a while, until the opportunity to discuss it has been raised by him, like in Pioneer's case! Definitely need to have a chat to him about it, if you feel that it's effecting your relationship as much as this
jessie jessie 8 years
tell him you're not gonna talk to him unless its thru facebook, his phone or AIM...can't touch ya either!....just joking....tell him outright that its gotta stop somewhere. compromise
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Congratulations. You found yourself a guy.
oohsexypenguin oohsexypenguin 8 years
In the beginning of our relationship, my husband was pretty bad about technology. He'd play video games for hours, or program/play games/look up random stuff on the computer. It got to the point where I had to bring it up with him, because I felt like he was almost ignoring me some of the time. Since then he's been pretty good about it. All I have to do is breathe in his direction and he stops whatever he's doing to spend time with me, lol.
heatherhas heatherhas 8 years
Great topic! Don't even get me started on my ex boyfriend's Madden obsession. . .I cringed for at least a year every time I heard a fight song.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
um yeah..i bought him ps3 and 2 games. basically i know the soundtrack to both of them...and my house has become a 'tourney'ment...not an apartment anymore. sigh.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Ugh, I'm so happy my new boyfriend is not a techie. I thought I would miss it, because my ex was an Apple geek, but it really hurt our relationship. He was always texting and on the phone, and fell asleep cradling his laptop instead of me every night. When our relationship was in trouble, I requested that we keep technology/ TV out of the bedroom (counselors have shown that it affects a couple's love life!) and he refused. I'm happy to be dating someone who just wants me and/ or a good book in the bed, and even though I love my Mac and iPhone myself, I'd give them up forever for a good sex life.
pioneers pioneers 8 years
After my boyfriend got his iPhone, I began to get worried that we'd never speak again. He was on it all the time, downloading applications and texting and emailing and checking his favorite websites. I had finally had enough, and whenever he would begin to use it when we were talking or doing something, I would half-jokingly cut in and say, "Hey! I'm right here! We can talk in real life!" He brought up the fact that I say that and I was completely honest about my feelings--I told him I felt pretty jilted when he would constantly need other sources of entertainment instead of being happy to just be with me. After the talk, his tech obsession definitely tapered, but not all the way, of course. :D
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
ugh my boyfriend does that too and sometimes i end up giving him the side eye about his constant texting or video game playing. he is never not attentive or obsessed with his "man toys" but sometimes he'll just lose track of where we are. i've had to tell him that sometimes its just rude and annoying and a lot of these text messages can wait or he needs to reply with "i'll get back to you later". when your guy is on the phone or playing games constantly and thats taking time away from attention he should be giving you i would say thats a problem. if he picks up his phone often and absent mindedly its not a big deal. its annoying but not a deal breaker.
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
I agree, technology is getting out of hand.
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