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You Asked: Is It Time to Move On?

Dear Sugar,

I am 22 years old and have been dating a 34 year old for nearly two years now. We dated for the first seven months then took a break when he wasn't sure if he wanted a serious commitment with me. We got back together a few months later and I told him that I didn't want anything serious because I was going through a rough patch in my life.

As my life got more and more settled, I started to find myself wanting more of a commitment from him. I let him know that my feelings had changed and he informed me that he still wasn't sure if he was ready. I guess his concerns stem from the fact that we're both at very different places in our lives. Despite that issue, we get along great so now I find myself wondering if it's time to move on even though I really do like him or if I should wait for him to catch up to me?

— Ready For Commitment Carla

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Ready For Commitment Carla,

If he told you that he needed you to wait for him indefinitely, would you be willing to? For anyone deciding whether to hold out for someone else, that's always my first question. Sadly, even if your significant other gives you a time frame, it doesn't guarantee that he'll be ready — sometimes that wait can last forever. With that said, sometimes it's not actually about commitment, but finding the right match. Your boyfriend's worries may be completely justified or he might just be afraid of commitment, but you may not know the difference until it's too late.

Unfortunately, being at the same place in life is a huge factor when getting serious in a relationship. For some people the wait is worth it — no matter how long — but for other's, the need to be content in a relationship is stronger than the need to be with the person. For me, being with someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them is most important, but you have to determine under which category you fall. Once you've decided that, you'll be able to make a much more definitive decision that you can feel strong about.


vmruby vmruby 9 years
He's been honest about his feelings on that subject from the very beginning so IMO that should be enough for you. On the other hand,I don't think you're being unreasonable either.You're entitled to your happiness as well. Truthfully,I don't see how this relationship will ever go any further than where it is at this point.If you want a commitment that's great, but he's obviously not the man whose going to give it to you .You both are in totally opposite directions as far as your future together goes.I agree with the others, it's time to cut your losses and move on...
jaxon jaxon 9 years
Move on..if he has to "catch up" to you @ 34 he never will dear
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
I agree with other people, he is too old to be a kid. If he is this old but don't want to commit I'd say he is using you until something better comes along. And screw that, you should be with someone who thinks a little higher of you than that. Some guys just want to screw around until they're 40, and then marry some 10 or 20 year younger gal. Fine for them, and it doesn't necessarily make them bad people, but you shouldn't waste time on them. I'm 23, and I'd rather be single and having fun, then giving my best years to an idiot like your boyfriend. And no, you are not in a hurry, but that's no excuse for not wanting to commit. You've spends two years already, isn't that enough? There are tons and tons of great guys out there, and you wont find them staying with a 34 year old teenager. That's my take on it.
emalove emalove 9 years
I agree with LadyP...given the age he's at and he's STILL not ready to commit, it makes me wonder if he will ever want to. And I also think that you're VERY young and that you shouldn't rush into anything.
blingbling blingbling 9 years
Move on. I agree that men that age who aren't "ready" for commitment are either a) just not ready to commit to YOU, or b) are commitment-phobes. Normal men that age have moved past that stage and are ready to settle down, if they haven't already. With that age difference, you ARE at very different places in your lives. As someone in their late 30s I can't imagine entering into a relationship with someone in their 20s. Of course it's different for men than it is for women. Women want someone who has their shit together - which a early-to-mid 20's man likely won't have. MEN, however, want a hot young piece of ass - sorry but it's true. What could you possibly have in common? I mean, that's substantial? Even if he were just a few years older than you, 2 years is long enough to figure out if you're ready to commit or not - MORE than long enough. Normally at that time frame you'd be wondering about marriage - not just a run of the mill commitment.
LadyP LadyP 9 years
I guess it depends on how long you're willing to wait but it sounds to me like he won't ever commit, considering he's 34 and still not sure what he wants.
sunnyheart sunnyheart 9 years
Yes, I agree with the sentiments to move on. The thing that strikes me the most is, as a 22 year old, you should not be waiting for someone a decade older to catch up to *you*. You should be catching up to them! If you feel ahead of him emotionally/maturity-wise at 22, that difference will likely only be more pronounced 2 years from now after you continue to grow dramatically and he stays the same.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Yes, it's time to MOVE ON! You two want different things. Don't waste your youth on this grown ass indecisive man. Find another 22 yr old with half a clue to know what he wants. Lets be honest here, 34 is prime age to scoop up a man who has been there done that and ready to commit. If this guy is still giving you the same sob story that you've been falling for for two damn years you seriously need to wake up! P.S. Don't be surprised when he comes around all of of sudden ready to commit after you kick him to the curb!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
The thing is, he just doesn't want to commit to her and really has no reason to. His feelings have been the same since the beginning.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
yes. he's 36. if he's not ready by 36 don't hold your breath.
geekygirl geekygirl 9 years
i reckon you should move on: a) you've been going together for 2 years and he doesn't know if he wants to commit to you - that's slack, if he likes you enough to be exclusive for that long, he should be thinking about the long term, otherwise he just likes the sex and any convenient domestic benefits. b) although you may be 22 (i wouldn't be panicking about finding someone to 'settle down' with just yet), he is 34!!! most of the guys we are friends with are over 30 (our age bracket) and they fall into three categories those guys who are in/or want to be in a committed relationship and those guys who are players who either sleep around or just won't commit to a girl because they are constantly looking for something better while they are with her. imho, i think you should move on and enjoy being a free woman for a while, don't hang out for a maybe, he doesn't worship the ground you walk on so why would you want to hang on for him?
javsmav javsmav 9 years
um, he's 34 & doesn't know if he wants a commitment. If he was 24, that might be excusable after 2 years, but at 34, it's unacceptable. Sorry, but by the time you are in your mid-30s, you should have some idea of what you want in your life. Two years is plenty of time to figure out if you want to pursue a serious relationship with someone. If I were you, I'd move on.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Well, two years is a long time for them to be just dating without a seems this guy is happy to have you around when he needs you (for sex, cooking, company, whatever). You don't even call him your boyfriend in your post, so i'm assuming the commitment you want is in your eyes, a boyfriend-girlfriend type thing. If he hasn't made you feel like that yet, then you can keep waiting until pigs fly. You don't want to waste all your time on this guy, only for him to find another woman and commit to her in the end.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
He may want to be with you in the long term but isn't really sure right now. Give him some time to figure things out before you move on.
It's been two years, c'mon! It's obvious that both of you don't know what you want, so cut your losses and move on. You can't say one thing and do another and then expect for things to fall in line. Life doesn't work like that.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I would give this guy a little more time. If you were older you'd have to worry about getting married and having kids but you're young and you have plenty of time. He may want to be with you in the long term but isn't really sure right now. Give him some time to figure things out before you move on.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
You're only 22 dear...what's your hurry? I understand you don't want to be just another fling, but you may need to really figure out what type of commitment you are wanting here, especially if you are the one who just came out of not wanting anything serious. We're all only human so it's natural to not be in the same place at the same time in your lives, but are you what, wanting a ring? If that's the case then you are just wanting it for the sake of wanting it, which means you need to work on growing up first:) But if you want the commitment just to know you are going to be in a real relationship, then it may be time to move on. Just try and find out what you really want out of this declaration of a commitment and make sure you aren't trying to move too fast (and yes, 2 years, especially off and on for only 2 years, is a VERY short time to be with someone). But do also realize that the person that fits you so well only comes along every once in a while, so don't let that be the reason you're up and leaving b/c you could be missing out on something great just b/c you're tying to jump the gun. But if he is trying to keep you on the burner for a rainy day and you are just like a 'might as well' sort of woman for him, then definitely move on babe:) It all depends on what you want and what you're willing to give up to get there, just make sure to take your time and that it really is what you want in the end!
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