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You Asked: Trouble With His Friends

DearSugar --

I went to a meal with my boyfriend and a few of his friends, and a row started between two of these friends. One of them stormed off. The other stayed crying at our table and insisted on telling me her life history even though I'd never met her before. I tried not to take sides, though I did ask why she stuck around if she was treated so badly.

A few days later the other friend, who stormed off, is bad mouthing me to my boyfriend, saying I was taking sides. My boyfriend is trying to laugh it off, but I know he wants us all to get along and I can't tell how much this is bothering him. And if I can't get along with his friend, will that effect our relationship? Help! ~ Crossfire Katie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

You didn't create this situation, dear. The stormy friend has conveniently made you the problem, which, of course, you are not. However, you did just learn an important lesson: if you don't want to end up in a triangle, remain completely disengaged during emotional situations with people you don't know well.

They sound like an emotional and dramatic bunch, Katie, and I expect there have been scenes and tricky finger-pointing episodes before. I'm sure your boyfriend's familiar with the ebb and flow of that relationship; odds are, he's found himself in an uncomfortable situation or two with them in the past. I wouldn't get too worried or focused on that evening or its aftermath. They'll cool off, you'll master the blank but caring face, and someone else will trip the wire next time.

And remember, they are your boyfriend's friends; it's his job to keep you out of the line of fire. You can't be expected to take the heat for trying to manage as best you could the evening his friends wrecked. I honestly don't think you'll have any problems getting along with his friends, Katie, and your boyfriend knows this if he knows you. Sounds like this particular pair will need to meet you halfway, that's all.


Join The Conversation
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Your boyfriend should have the maturity to tell the person bad-mouthing you to grow up and leave you out of the situation. Just because you were poilite and listened to some stranger spill her guts doesn't mean you hate his other friend. Try to remain as neutral as possible. Obviously they can't hate each other that much if they continue to both hang out with your boyfriend at the same time. This drama has probably gone on for years and now they want to pull you in to spice things up a bit for themselves.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
As long as your boyfriend is on your side it doesn't matter I don't think he even cares or is not involved. Just pretend the conversation never happened next time.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
here's what i do when confronted with stuff like that - i put up my hands and say "Sorry, i'm not in this. I don't know anything about anything so don't try and pull me into it." And then i smile and change the subject.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 10 years
Thats all great advice. I agree just laugh it off. Its not like you want to be best friends with them.
andaman andaman 10 years
I have kind of been is this situation before. I would explain to your boyfriend's friend exactly what happened. She left you no choice but to talk to her! Any nice person would do the same. I certainly wouldn't leave a crying person on her own. Tell him you didn't mean to take side. I'm sure he'll end up telling you his side of the story. Just listen to him, don't offer any suggestions, because it could end up damaging your friendship later on. Good luck girlfriend.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I like lickety split's advice of saying: You are still talking about this? and drawing attention to how lame this guy is for not letting go. I think this will blow over. Just totally drop the whole thing I think.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
probably better for you to take the same attitude that your bf does. laugh it off, it's no big deal, get over it dude; if it comes up again. if the other guy mentions it i would ignore it with a "oh well" look and change the subject or say "are YOU STILL talking about that night????" if he says yes and starts in on you try "reasonable minds can disagree ya know?" in a very calm voice. let this be "his thing" not your and obviously don't go there again, lol.
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