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You Asked: What Should I Do About My Affair?

Dear Sugar,
I have been having an affair with a guy from work. He is very cute, and over the past few months I have fallen in love with him. He says he feels the same, (he told me first) however we both have partners and a family to consider. We agreed that we weren't going to leave our partners as our kids are too young to understand. The problem is I can't seem to get him out of my head — I miss him when I don't see him and if I don't hear from him. We try to text or phone each other everyday but that isn't enough, I want to be with him all the time. Please help, what should I do? — Cheating Courtney

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Cheating Courtney,

You're not going to like what I have to say, but here it goes anyway. You need to end this affair — period. If you guys both love each other like you say you do, why continue to sneak around? It's pretty clear that you don't love your husband, so why stay in an unhappy marriage? You say your kids are too young to understand your situation, but kids are a lot smarter than you might think. They pick up on the smallest things, and I'm pretty sure they can sense that you're unhappy with your home life.

Being unfaithful to your husband is wrong, but you're not only deceiving him, you're also cheating yourself of true happiness. Talking and texting with this man everyday is very risky, so it's just a matter of time before you get caught. Honesty is always the best policy so my advice to you is to come clean to your husband before he catches you red handed. If you want to pursue a relationship with your co-worker, tell him that and leave your husband. If you're simply having an affair because you've hit some road bumps in your marriage, talk to your husband and see if you can pick up the broken pieces. I'm sure carrying around this heavy loud of guilt is wreaking havoc on you emotionally and physically so own up to your actions and follow your heart. Good luck.


puffaroo puffaroo 9 years
I have to laugh at the poster who said everyone was being judgmental when they themselves had had affairs with married people. Well, speaking only for myself: THAT'S HOW I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I know first-hand the emotional wreckage adultery causes because I have caused that wreckage. I'm talking 35 years ago, when I was single and unforgiveably stupid. Don't do this halfway. Lose his phone number and block his emails. And whatever you do, do NOT tell your husband. You are NOT allowed to wreck an innocent spouse's heart just so that YOU feel better.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 9 years
No excuse is justifiable for an affair. Leave your husband and don't ruin someone else's family. If you cared about your kids ENOUGH, you wouldn't jeopardize your family for your fling. Trust me, kids know and before you know it, they'll know your in the wrong and well abandon you. Then when you fling leaves you, you're left with nothing. Make amends while you still can.
Ladytron7000 Ladytron7000 9 years
One more thing: next time you (reader) feel like having an affair, make a choice, don't do it, drop it, your crush will fade. I understand excitement and indulgence. Eat more cookies than you should. Skip work to go shopping and buy that damn Balenciaga you've been lusting after. Go to a strip club with your girls and have a few too many drinks. This is different, because you're screwing over the person who has relied on your commitment, and you're causing major damage to your family. This kind of reckless self-indulgence is immature. Just because something is understandable doesn't make it okay. You can help it, and if not you must be responsible enough to get professional help to pull yourself together.
Ladytron7000 Ladytron7000 9 years
Grow up. This little romance and infatuation is for new relationships. You don't complain about your marriage, so I assume it's happy. You can't have your boring old marriage and eat your steamy, fun, new relationship. Marriage is often unexciting, but loving and secure. If you want fun and secure, you'll have to be more creative. Try marriage counseling and regular counseling, and don't expect your husband to be happy about this. Your selfishness, taking more than you deserve when your husband wasn't looking, totally screwed him over. You broke the deal, jerk.
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 9 years
I am sorry but you are disgusting. Cheaters make me sick.
mariannemannina mariannemannina 9 years
I'm jumping back in a little late in the game, but feel the need to add my additional two cents (now up to a ~nickel). When people admonish the poster for her 'mistake' (I have to agree with the other writer; a mistake is a drunken one-night stand, not a passionate affair), we are not being righteous, judgemental people on high-horses. I can bet most of us have been affected by an affair in some way and realize the damaging, lingering effects it has on not just one, or two people, but entire families. The distrust and dishonesty that is fostered are devastating. The stones are thrown both ways, and no one is claiming to be perfect.
dman dman 9 years
Talk to your husband.Tell him every thing about your afair.Let him decide what to do.
I will proudly state that I have NEVER cheated on someone, am not and have not thought about cheating on someone, nor will I jump at the opportunity to do so if the situation arises. It's called maturity and respect. If you happen to fall out of love, and decide it is time to end that relationship, you do just that. You end it, so that when you get into your next relationship, you have the moral grounding to say what is acceptable to your relationship. And, don't even get me started on marriage vows! What, are we supposed to coddle the poor, guilty, little thing? I think not! Sometimes blunt honesty is the way to go, and is too often over looked for being PC.
hills hills 9 years
completyly agree with snookyx, im 18 and age is nothing but a number, just depends on your common sense, stuff you know or go through.
hills hills 9 years
thats what its like in all relationship at first, u proberly felt like that with ur husband when u first started dating. will this really be so different if u end up with the new man? your not just breaking up a family but this is going to affect ur kids their whole lives, they might feel rejected. i think u really need to think long and hard. personally i reckon you should work hard at your marrige, loads of relationships have dry patches but you dont just have your partner and you to think about, there are kids right in the centre. partnerships are hard work u cant give up on them when they get abit tough. you proberly have this passionate affair with the new guy, but will it last?
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 9 years
ShanaB - just because im 17 it doesnt mean i dont know about life. i have been through things that 30 year old women have never been through. and i even said i dont know much about marriage other than wat i see around me, but when you vow to give yourself to one peron for better or worse, its wrong if you break that promise. if you know something is wrong and you do it anyways over and over again, it is not a mistake. The situation she is in, is one my moms best friend went through. She has 3 kids with the man she married, she had an affair and fell in love. the other man also had a family. my moms friend decided to leave her husband for the other man, and the guy did not leave his family. she then realized that she did love her husband and wanted to work on their relationship, but it was to late. when her husband found out about the affair he used it aggainst her in court, and got full custody of the kids. Now she only gets to see her kids twice a month for 2 days at a time. She has no husband and no lover. Her children (who are 6, 10, and 12) are so mad at her that when it is time to see her, the 10 and 12 year old do not want to go.
courtneyh courtneyh 9 years
I'm sick of this topic.... YOU DESERVE TO WIND UP ALONE. I have no sympathy for cheaters who DESTROY families.
allyd allyd 9 years
Lainetm... " otherwise good marriage?" Did you actually read what she wrote? Her marriage is in the toilet, and the only thing keeping her in it is the kids. Telling her husband the truth might be the only way to make it better.
Cassandra57 Cassandra57 9 years
I'll agree with most of the other commenters, end it now. However, I have a couple of different remarks: I don't think it's fair to "confess" to your husband. Why burden him with your guilt? Would you expect forgiveness and absolution? That's not fair to him, and is likely to damage an otherwise good marriage. I think counseling is a good idea, but individual counseling, to help you figure out why you did this. I have two kids, so I remember how crazymaking having small kids and a job can be. Nothing is about *you* anymore, it's all about how you can serve others: husband, kids, boss. You get tired of being staff to everyone else. An affair is something you can do (selfishly) just for yourself. Therefore, I suspect this is a temporary phase for you. Why derail your life for this?
rainbowcupcake rainbowcupcake 9 years
no one is perfect and I sympathize for you... just make it right before you make things worse. You still have time to fix things with your husband or to leave the unhappy marriage. Find out where your heart really belongs and what will be there in the future. Your kids will be happy if you are and this affair is only causing them problems... even if you think they don't know, kids pick up on lots of little things. Make sure to make yourself happy and then you'll be in a better place in order to help out your kids.
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 9 years
You're not going to get sympathy from people...believe me, I've both been there, and done that. My only advice to you is, either end the affair or end the marriage. You're not doing either guy a favor. You're going to get caught, and perhaps ruin your marriage forever (and you've already said you're not leaving). Of course, you do run the risk of losing the affair if you do choose to leave; there's no guarantee that your lover is going to leave his marriage (probably NOT), and then you would be out there all alone--you've already left your marriage and done irreconcilable harm--because you made the decision to leave, and your lover didn't. If you're really "in love" with your lover, you need to make a decision. Talking to him on the phone and texting him is only going to keep the feeling going, and like I said, you're running a serious risk of getting caught. As harsh as it sounds, that's the truth of affairs. They're easy to "fall in love with." Most of the time, you don't get the happy ending you're wanting though. I'm not judging you, because I've been in your shoes. Just realize: no one is going to sympathize with you and tell you what you want to hear.
EatYourVeggies EatYourVeggies 9 years
I don't know why people keep sending these types of questions and expecting different responses from people.
ShanaB ShanaB 9 years
i agree with glowing moon. i mean if your 17 and condemning someone what do you truly know about life. i would say end the affair as it is unfair to both parties and especially with there being kids involved. good luck to you and know that sometimes good people do bad things but it doesnt make you a bad person. learn it. accept it and grow from it. ON A SIDE NOTE TO THE RESPONDERS DONT CAST STONES UNTIL YOU CAN TRULY WALK IN SOMEONES SHOES. i mean you dont know her and being judgmental towards her is not helping her resolve her issue. look at your own life before you judge someone elses.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
So many stone casters. It seems that many of you seem to think you're perfect, never made a mistake, or had base thoughts or impulses. LOL
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
CatepillarGirl that was beautifully stated. As for the posters being judgmental.... well I don't think anyone here is saying, "I've never made a mistake." I think we're all saying, "She's doing something that's selfish and hurtful." Of course we're all human, and if we haven't made this mistake, we've made others. But that doesn't mean we should condone the mistakes we make. They were just that - mistakes - and it's fine to call them that, even if we're guilty as charged. Good people do bad things. It doesn't make them bad people. Anyway, to the poster: If you truly want to move on from this person, you have to distance yourself from him. If that means quitting your job, it's a small price to pay in order to keep your family together. If you find yourself thinking of him, start thinking about something else. I'm sure it's hard to believe but with time your obsessive thoughts will fade and you will think about him less and less. But that is only if you are truly committed to letting this go. Otherwise you will live in this constant state of longing. That seems really hot and romantic, but as I'm sure you know, it's also very anxiety inducing and unhealthy. And whether it's for weenies or not, I do think some counseling will help you sort through what you're going through right now. Good luck.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
Here's an idea: Why don't you take a fraction of the energy you've been putting into lying, cheating, and sneaking around and put it into your relationship with your family, or just your kids if he wises up and leaves you. And affairs aren't mistakes. Drunken one-night stands are mistakes. People will always be judged by what they do, not who they are. And doing something like this that jeopardizes a stable family for your kids is the lowest of lows.
allyd allyd 9 years
i'm betting half the people who have been so judgmental in these comments have either had affairs, are considering it, or wouldn't turn down the opportunity if it came their way. it's called being human. it's not an excuse, it's a fact. people make mistakes. get off the high horses and have a little compassion. and i'll just add this: tell your husband. no secret stays secret forever...
mariannemannina mariannemannina 9 years
what should I do? oh, boo-hoo. end the affair, that's what you should do. Nothing is simple, true, but this is one of the few situations in life that is so obviously black-and-white. Wrong any way you look at it. No excuses for anything.
oops! LoL! SHould've been IMHO!
IMOP, you deserve any stress or heartache this affair is causing you. I hope the father or your children, leaves you, takes the kids, gets full custody, and forces you to pay child support. When you place your own happiness ahead of your children's you get what you deserve.
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