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You Asked: What Should I Do About my Bar-Hopping Boyfriend?

Dear Sugar--

I am very frustrated and do not know what to do anymore, I constantly try to express my feelings to my boyfriend but am afraid that I am coming off as too easily irritated or upset.

Here is the situation: I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now and one thing that has been bothering me is the fact that he goes out to bars quite often with his friends who 9/10 of them happen to be single. The only one that is not either does not go out or brings his girlfriend with him.

I tried to tell my boyfriend that once you are in a serious relationship you need to "tone" down the bar-hopping but he feels that I'm trying to deprive him from time with his friends. I feel hurt and upset. Last week he saw his friends 3 days in a row and out of those 3 days he saw me on the third day. Is it normal for me to not like the fact that he is bar-hopping with his friends all week while I sit at home and worry or is this normal? What should I do?

--Frustrated Felicia

To hear DEARSUGAR's Answer,

Dear Frustrated Felicia,

It sounds like you guys are simply not on the same page. It seems like you have the right idea of how an adult relationship should be - that you spend a certain amount of time together, certain times apart, and you don't go out drinking with your friends all week. Is his bar hopping making you upset because of the fact that he is spending his time with his single friends? Are you finding it difficult to trust him when you are not together?

You have every right to be upset with your boyfriend's actions. The bottom line is, he's not listening to you or respecting your needs in this relationship. Have you tried making a compromise? Perhaps suggest he spend 2-3 nights with his friends, and 2-3 nights alone with you. Or, how about suggesting going out with your boyfriend every once in awhile?

If you can't come to an agreement, I'm sorry to say that you might be better off without this guy in your life. Maybe he needs to "sow his oats" before he can be in a serious committed relationship with you. Either way, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you - not someone you have to convince. I wish you luck Felicia!


its-just-me its-just-me 10 years
It sounds to me that you make yourself available to him when he has had enough partying with his friends. What do you think would happen if on the third day of him hanging with his boys you had plans of your own and he wasn't included in them. It may benefit you to not be so accessible to him when he has time to spare after his partying. What if the shoe were on the other foot? If I were you, I would make plans to hang with my girls and keep him on the back burner. Then let's see how long he would keep that game going. I don't get either that he doesn't invite you to go hang with them, especially being that one of his friends has his girlfriend go with them. I hate to play devil's advocate, but do you think that he's trying to hide something? All I know is that it wouldn't be me waiting for my boyfriend to fit me into his schedule. Good luck!
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
This guy sounds really immature, you two are definitely at different stages in your life! For the sake of your peace of mind and happiness, I think you should consider ending this and looking for someone who shares your same feelings on relationships. I know I would be very hurt if my guy went out and partied without me all the time! I mean, once in a while a guys night out is normal, but all the time? It sounds like too much!!! It's not just where he's going, it's also the fact that he doesn't seem to care how much it upsets you. You deserve better.
YanksBella YanksBella 10 years
Do you get along with his friends?? Does he feel like he can be himself around you when he's out with his friends. Try making more of an effort to hang out with him and his friends and maybe he will feel more comfortable bringing you around more. I completely understand how you feel and I would be upset too with the situation, I'm just trying to "think like a guy" and see where he's coming from. Give him a little taste of his own medicine and start making more plans with your girlfriends and go out more with them!
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
I think Dear and the others are right... but I am not goin to give advice on this bc I have been here and prolly made the wrong choice. When my boyfriend (now husband) got back from iraq he understandably wanted to party... with the same guys hed been stuck with for months on end, but after awhile it got annoying. And after a few broken dates I was just fed up. So I took my little hot arse down to a local club got a job as a cocktail server and didnt look back, I figured if my boyfriend wanted to spend all his time in clubs (I was 18 and couldnt go anywhere he did) that I was going to as well and at least Id have fun and make money in the process. He didnt like that very much at all lol shaped his arse up right quick. Oh he continued to go out with his friends and get drunk and party... just out where he could see me at all times. --- Im t0xic your slippin under
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I understand how difficult this situation can be because I've been in your shoes. I would agree with Cycy on this make your own plans with your friends and be less available to him sometimes actions speak louder than words and specially guys sometimes think they can have their cake and eat it too but sometimes it can backfire but they don't realize or appreciate what they have at home when their friends are single and come home to an empty apartment he has somebody to come home to they don't appreciate that unfortunately until its gone. Giving him ultimatums and arguing really doesn't bring anything positive other than putting up his guard even more and maybe accusing you of jealousy. If you are thinking about ending the relationship make sure you're ready to go through with it but in the mean time do things for yourself and take care of you right now.
SU3 SU3 10 years
I agree that you both are on separate pages in this relationship. But I don't agree with the whole 'scheduling' to spend time together. Thing is, he should want to spend time with you and 'scheduling' time together just sounds so forced IMO. I see nothing wrong in him wanting to hang out with his buddies. A lot of the girls brought up a good question - if his friend brings his girlfriend, then why don't you go along too? If not, make plans with your own friends - meet up with your guy and his friends or go out with the girls only and have your own fun. Sitting around waiting and worrying is going to do nothing. Don't be so consumed with what he does and forget about your own life (and happiness) because of it.
andaman andaman 10 years
Drinking in bars all the time is a huge sign of immaturity to me. There I've said it.
andaman andaman 10 years
Your boyfriend is still a boy. I am sorry to tell you like this but he isn't ready for a long term relationship. He goes to bars to talk and watch beautiful women in short skirts with his mates. He won't change and no, you can't change him. Learn to wait until he grows out of it or find yourself a new man who prefers to be conscious about everything he does in his life. You need a man not a boy honey.
Cycy Cycy 10 years
Girlfriend, don't use words anymore. Actions, sweetie, actions. Detach yourself emotionally from the situation and totally toss things up now. Make plans of your own either with your girlfriends or just by yourself and act like your time is sacred. He'll be so shell-shocked he'll get the point. I don't necessarily agree that this is a basis for breaking up. It takes a while for guys to transit from single-life mentality to in-a-committed relationship mentality. But it's about time now. The only person you can control is you, just remember that regardless.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 10 years
It sounds like the two of you have different ideas on how you want to spend your free time. Is the problem that he goes out with his friends and never invites you, or that he invites you but you'd prefer not to go out barhopping?
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
apparently it's "normal" for him and that's all that matters. your bf IS still single, you aren't married, in fact you've only been going out a few months. this is the time in dating when you really get to know the person, what their faults are, the habits they have, the things they enjoy. the time when you decide if your lifestyles mesh, if you are comfortable with the differences between the 2 of you and whether thoses differences will complement each other or drive you nuts. if you are sitting home worrying i think he's probably got some things going on that aren't working for you. he won't change; this is who he is. if you don't like it you should not waste anymore of your time in this relationship.
Marci Marci 10 years
I vote with cubadog, too.
ChiTownEm ChiTownEm 10 years
Also, you don't say how old you/he are but my guess is somewhere in your twenties? If so, I am sure many women can tell you that men at that age LOVE to go out and is part of the package
ChiTownEm ChiTownEm 10 years
If he is actively keeping you from going with then I would be more inclined to just ditch the guy, but if you are invited along and choose not to go, then I sort of agree with cubadog. If you want to spend more time with him alone, why don't you schedule some dates in advance just the 2 of you?
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
right on, cubadog. i agree 100%
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Whether or not it's normal to be upset, you ARE upset. It's unlikely you'll be able to change his behavior, so the only question now is whether you will be able to deal with it long terms. That comes down to who you are, and who you want to be with. While I have nothing against people who frequent bars, I personally would not want to date someone who spent all his free time in bars. But that is just me, and other people don't have a problem with that. So you need to ask yourself if you are ultimately okay with how your relationship is unfolding, because the chances of really changing him are pretty slim. And he's clearly indicated how he prefers to spend his time, and nagging him will not change the balance.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
I agree too cubadog. You guys make a lot of sense. I think you either need to just go with him and see what all the fuss is about, or suggest other things you guys could do together. You still hang out with your friends too, don't you?
candy-apple candy-apple 10 years
cubadog- i agree with you too! right now my boyfriend and i are not in the same area so he's out partying a lot without me, which doesnt bother me because i know i can trust him. he really enjoys to be out with his friends and i've known that from the start so i really don't have a problem with it and you shouldn't either. i also understand why it can be annoying at times.. no one likes to feel excluded, or even worse watch their boyfriend get drunk and make a fool of himself and you.. which tends to happen when a bunch of guys are out drinking. find something to do while he's away if you don't feel like joining him. i think it's just a lack of communication in your relationship- it seems like you simply don't have the same expectations of what your relationship should be like. whatever the case, one of you is going to have to compromise a bit. if nothing works- call it quits. there's nothing that can ruin a relationship faster than incompatibility in the everyday things (early bird/night owl; hard worker/slacker). just don't nag him too much about it. he's probably been like that long before you met and it's part of who he is. if he doesn't want to/ can't change his behavior, it's neither his nor your fault. just wasn't meant to be.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
Thanks Jennifer76.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Well, *I* like your answer, cubadog. :P And totally agree.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
It sounds like you two have different ideas about what a relationship should be about - or at least different ideas about where *your* relationship is at. I don't think you're really compatible. :(
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I am sure my response will be unpopular but I do not see what the big deal is as far as going out bar hopping with his friends. I am sure when you started the relationship that you knew he liked to spend a lot of time with his friends so unless it is something he kept hidden this should not have been a shock when he told you he would feel deprived. Have you thought of getting a group of your single friends together and meeting up with your BF and his friends at bar that way your both out having fun? I am not quite understanding why you don't join him. You did say that his other friend brings his girlfriend on occasion so what is stopping you from saying can I join you. No one is making you sit at home waiting and worrying.
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