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You Asked: What's Up With His No-Mix Policy?

You Asked: What's Up With His No-Mix Policy?

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. One of the most frustrating things for me is that he never invites me to hang out with him and his friends, guys or girls. He's even admitted to this, saying that he doesn't like to "mix his worlds." This makes me so hurt and angry! I feel like he's not proud that I'm his girlfriend and that he's trying to hide me. I've talked to him about this and he says that that is not at all how he feels, he just doesn't like to "mix his worlds" (he uses this phrase EVERY time I bring this issue up). But I still can't help feeling like he just doesn't want me around.

I've hung out with his friends on occasion (at his birthdays and a few random parties) and I make sure I'm out there socializing with his friends rather than hovering shyly around my guy. When I run into his friends on the street, we always say hi and stop to chat for a bit. There's obviously no awkwardness between us and they all seem to like me, so I don't really understand why my boyfriend is like this. Can you help shed some light? -- Alone Abbi

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Alone Abbi --

As someone that has many different groups of friends, I can understand the pressure of not wanting to mix them, but having a no-mix policy with your romantic partner is unacceptable if you ask me. When you are together with someone for three years, your worlds should be combined, not separate.

There is a time and a place for alone time with your buddies, but his distance makes me think he is up to no good. Talk to him again and ask for more of an explanation. Let him know that separating you from a part of his life makes you feel as though he isn't proud of you. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed - I could almost guarantee he would feel the same way. Try coming to the table with a compromise: suggest one night of the weekend you all hang out and let him be alone with the boys the other night. If he still doesn't budge, you might want to reconsider this relationship. You deserve to date someone that wants to be with you every chance he can, not to mention show you off to his friends, so if you aren't getting what you need from him, I am sure there is someone else out there that can give you what you want and deserve. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
beautiful1nes beautiful1nes 9 years
You know what thats almost the same thing with me.My BF is bosnian and im american and he loves to go to the bosnian bars but doesn't want to take me because he doesn't think i'll like if cuz i won't understand anything which makes perfect sense to me but I don't think hes ashamed of you just that maybe he likes to have his own time to spend with just his friends.I know a ton of people who like to just have friends with them like you know guys like to hang with their buds too you gota let them have there space but I also think that he should take you out with his buds too.
lovelylei lovelylei 9 years
anyone ever think he might have a jealousy issue? i've actually dealt with this before.. its gotten better though and we hang out with his friends whenever but the problem was that he wasn't comfortable having me around his friends because he didn't trust his friends around me and didn't like them oogling (sp?) at me since i was the only girl in the bunch. you should talk to him and really ask him what his reasons are.
tkoblondee tkoblondee 9 years
Sounds fishy to me too.
onesong onesong 9 years
lol blingbling! "let him blah blah another chick" i agree. i understand waiting a bit after starting a relationship before introducing your new significant other to your friends, but three years?? seriously? i mean, everyone needs time with just their friends (especially of the same sex...where would we all be without girls nights??) but constantly is ridiculous. i agree 100% with what dear sugar said, and i think you should take her advice word for word!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I believe that it is important to maintain own space and distance but after three years? I mean, you always need somewhere to go back to when everything goes belly up. Is he really still insecure about the relationship and you after all this time? Have you discussed it with his friends? If you see them then maybe you could speak to them about it. It sounds a bit shady though.
lolabella lolabella 9 years
get rid of him. he does NOT respect you enough to hang out with his friends? pfffffffft! begone! i'd be curious to see how many women he's dating behind your back as well, since he doesn't care about your relationship! that is abhorrent and extremely selfish on his part. girl, you need to be with a man that SHOWS YOU OFF!!!
Sofiababy Sofiababy 9 years
I agree with PJ. shady indeed! like megan said, the only way i can figure this is that he doesnt want to mix his worlds because he doesnt feel its necessary.. ie. bc he'll never have to. this is not a long term thing for him. he would HAVE to mix his worlds (what an annoying choice of words) if you too were every to get married. you guys would share the same world, so him holding out for THREE years is insanity. its a right of passage for me when the relationship gets serious. no girl would stand for this, and make that clear. i wouldnt stand this treatment for any longer because girl you are being taken for a ride! good luck =/
mlen mlen 9 years
i think cece makes some good suggestions. if this was in your first 6 months of dating i'd say maybe he had a bad experience in the past and just isn't ready to do it again. but 3 years is about 2.5 years too long. while i can relate a little as i very rarely hung out with my ex's friends when they hung out- it was different. he didn't see his old core group of guys very often, cause they had different lives, and when they did it was always a guys night (cause almost all of the others didn't have gfs). but my bf wasn't trying to keep us seperate, it just worked out that way. i'd stop by sometimes when they were hanging out- stay for about a half hour to say hi- and then go on my way. would something like that be a good place to start with your guy? maybe say something like you don't want to hang around for all of guys night but maybe you'll just stop by to see him and say hi then go out with the girls? maybe once he sees how easily you mix in, it'll be less of an issue. but i agree- if he can't mix his two worlds after 3 years- he has no intention of doing it. find someone who can't wait to show you off to everyone
Marci Marci 9 years
Didn't we just do this one last week? Even the wording is identical.
kristyrk kristyrk 9 years
I'm surprised that you have put up with it for so long!
kgtg1 kgtg1 9 years
When I was younger, more immature, and a lot dumber, I used that exact same line on my boyfriend, because I was cheating on him, and didn't want to put myself in a situation where I could be caught in a lie. Not saying that is the case for you, but it is something to think about.
kimberley kimberley 9 years
What a bad situation! Something sounds fishy. It might be as simple as a previous bad dating experience with a girlfriend who was too needy or didn't get along with his friends, or just feels like he can let it all hang out and burp and pass gas and relax around his guy friends but not if you are there, but come on, if he is serious about you and the relationship, he should be able to figure out that there is bound to be some overlap between his love life and his frienships and that as a couple you can determine the boundaries together. I am curious, does he feel funny/uncomfortable around your girlfriends?
Berlin Berlin 9 years
It sounds like he has no intention of bringing this relationship to any significant level. Guys keep their worlds separate so that they don't have any weirdness when the girlfriend is no longer around. It is the one thing that remains constant, they don't have to talk about it, and everything continues on as though nothing happened. If you are separate, you don't have to worry about who keeps talking to who, the awkward 'showing up' at the same place to all hang out together, and he doesn't have to worry about introducing a new girlfriend to his group of friends. Then they have to get to know you and it becomes an actual effort to move past acquaintance to a meaningful friendship. If he doesn't plan to move the relationship into the future, then there's no reason to make you all chum with his buddies. Guys can be in relationships for years and still not have any intention on making you 'the one' so watch out. If you are being kept away for more time than you are comfortable with, then you may either want to have the conversation or bail. OR you could plan a surprise birthday party for your man, and invite all his friends and have them join in on the planning, that way you are sharing something with them and he will see that in the end. But if you are going to make the jump to really be close with his friends, then you (both) have to plan on the relationship truly lasting.
amybdk amybdk 9 years
What a drag! I agree with Dear's advice. You deserve to feel like he's proud to have you as his girlfriend! Good Luck!
Cece5 Cece5 9 years
Well, I had a problem similar to this awhile back. After dating my boyfriend for abour 3 and a half years, he started just hanging out with his friends alone. (which eventually led to me always hanging out with my girl-friends alone) But anyway, I know for a fact he wasn't doing any shady business to me, they would actually just play video games and sports in their backyard because they live around the block from me. But they would do it ALL the time bc neither of them has a girlfriend. When they had girlfriends we would all hang out together, but since they are all single now they like to just hang out 'guys only' (which i think is ridiculous, but hey thats them). Well, at first my boyfriend didn't want to admit it was stupid, after i persisted and gave him a ton of examples he finally admitted it. We decided that we would try and split our time evenly between friends and US time. Whenever the opportunity comes up where they are going out somewhere i usually go along and the same applies for my friends. We also always try to spend just US time even if its on thursdays or sundays. It has really worked out and we are really happy now, just going on 5 years of dating! :] So my advice to you, is DO NOT TAKE HIS "MIX HIS WORLDS" line! Make him explain what they do and why he doesn't want you there. Also, make him explain why is he acting that way and what led him to that decision. THAT IS CRUCIAL! FRom there work out the problem the best way. If his answers are somewhat decent (like possibly embarrassment, etc.) then try and work things out. BUT if his answers are rude, mean and nasty, then dump him! GOOD LUCK! KEEP ME POSTED ON HOW IT GOES! I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT YOUUU!! <3
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
Like this is so bizarre to me! My boyfriend is the complete opposite, and I think every guy should be the way he is. Whenever we go to hang out with one of his friends I always ask him "Ok, well did you tell them I was with you? Do they know I'm coming too?" And he gets MAD at me for stressing about that. He thinks his friends should expect us to be together when he visits them, and if they have a problem with me being around, then they aren't his true friends and they can "f*ck off". I respect him for treating me this way. It really does take a man to stick up for his women and not care what anyone has to say about her - and that's why I love him the way I do :)
blingbling blingbling 9 years
DUMP HIM. He's could be up to no good, but at the very least he's an a$$hole. That isn't "normal" behavior in a relationship - there really IS no excuse for it. Normal relationships involve you hanging out with "couples" friends - all of ours are thru my husband since we moved to a new area and socialize with people he works with. I go to baseball games, etc. with my husband when I'm the only girl there. If my husband had ever pulled that crap when we were dating it would have been over with before it started. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect - and this is NOT respectful. Honestly he sounds like he's got some serious issues. So let him blah blah blah all he wants - to some other chick. You can do better.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
That is the strangest thing I have ever heard. How is it going to be if you guys ever live together or get married or start a family? I hate to say it, Miss Abbi, but it sounds pretty shady to me. I can't believe you have let it go on for three years, already. My feelings would have long been hurt. I would have also been extremely suspicious. That not wanting to "mix his worlds" is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. A boyfriend is supposed to want you to be a part of his entire world. Not sure what, but something is up.... Good luck.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
How did you put up with this for 3 years? That is weird.
designerel designerel 9 years
That is VERY weird. Since you say you have gotten along great with his friends, is there a remote possibility he feels threatened by this fact? So therefore, he wants to keep you away from his friends? Perhaps he's got it in his head that you were being flirty when you were really just being friendly.
bardot bardot 9 years
Your boyfriend sounds like a complete idiot. This isn't Seinfeld (remember when George had this problem with his fiancee Susan? He used the phrase "worlds colliding"). And like the above posters, I would be very suspicious of this. There is something he is not coming clean about, and he is using his stupid "mix his worlds" spiel as his flimsy reasoning. I don't buy it. At best, he is completely immature for making ridiculous excuses and expecting you to let it go. At worst, he is keeping you from his friends so that you don't find out the things that they already know about him. Sorry, hon.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
Hmmm that doesn't seem right to me either. My boyfriend makes sure to include me in his life as much as he can so that I know that he's ok with his friends when he goes out. I trust him WAY more knowing the people he hangs out with.
Random2 Random2 9 years
Something doesn't seem right about this. After being together for 3 years, he should start including you in activities he does with his friends. Spending some time alone with them makes sense (you don't need to do everything together, else you'd probably go crazy), but wanting to keep you pretty much completely cut off? Either he's hiding something, or isn't 100% sure about the relationship.
mizlynz mizlynz 9 years
I've always been suspicious of guys who refuse to introduce their girlfriends to their other friends. It seems rude and obnoxious and shows no consideration for their signifigant other.
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