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You Asked: What Went Wrong?

Dear Sugar--

When I started dating my boyfriend we both verbalized that we wanted to someday get married. After 1 year of dating, I asked how he felt and he said it was too soon to tell if he wanted to get married. That concerned me so I asked him to not string me along if he knew for sure that marriage was never a possibility. I brought it up several times and he assured me that he wasn't using me.

A few weeks ago, after we had had a few drinks, I asked him again and he said that he didn't think he ever wanted to get married! I was obviously very upset by his sudden change of heart and stormed home. He tried contacting me but I ignored his attempts until 2 weeks ago. I called him back but he has never returned my phone call. Why would a man do such a thing? -- Let Down Lana

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Let Down Lana --

I am sorry you're hurting right now, but it's pretty clear that you and your boyfriend are simply not on the same page in terms of what you want for your future. Look at this break up as a blessing in disguise. The thing is, a lot of women want the fairy tale wedding but men just don't have the same fantasy. Guys are easily spooked by the future, and being locked into a relationship if it doesn't feel right to them so incessantly talking about the future is bound to make him run for the hills. While it's important to know whether your boyfriend believes in marriage before you get too serious, less is absolutely more when broaching the subject.

With that said, I do think it was in poor form of this guy to lead you on and make you believe you two had a future together when he clearly didn't have any intention of following through with his word. If what you really want is a marriage, you'll be better off if this guy never returns your message. You can't change people so when you're ready to get back out there, take things slow and enjoy the present instead of getting too caught up in the future. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
If you're not on the same page about things, then it's probably good that you have broken up, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
He's obviously giving this a lot of thought and serious consideration...maybe you should do the same?
lintacious lintacious 9 years
"A few weeks ago, after we had had a few drinks, I asked him again and he said that he didn't think he ever wanted to get married!" Wow! I hope you can re-read this several times to realize how sensitive you are being in this situation. I can imagine my guy saying this just out of annoyance! I would 100% NOT TAKE THIS STATEMENT SERIOUSLY!! He said this ONCE! And AFTER DRINKS! I bet if you didn't get oversensitive and upset, if you had just ignored it and waited a few months, weeks, whatever, then mentioned it again, his response would be different. Besides, what's the rush?
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
no offence but it sound like at every chance you asked him about other words...pressured him for an answer that people usually take A LONG time to make! You sound very desperate and dropping him just like that, ignoring him with no explanation couldn't have helped your relationship\situation at wonder that after 2 weeks he didn't feel like talking to you...he's probably the one feeling hurt, confused and used! next time...take it easy!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
I completely agree with popgoestheworld, well said!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Hmm.. marry the girlfriend who pressures for it after only a year of dating.. hmmm.. yeah.. Do you even live with him? I'm guessing not if you were able to storm off and not return his calls for 2 weeks. You basically have no real moves in the first stages of actual commitment and you want a ring on your finger because..?? The divorce rate is 50%. Marriage means NOTHING.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
As usual I agree with popgoestheworld. And I do not think he lied. Just cause he said he believed in marriage is different than saying he wants to marry you. I also think you may been pressuring him too soon but now that you know you are the one for him, move on. And there is no rush to get married if the situation is right!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
When the two of you first talked marriage, I totally believe he meant what he said. After all, at the beginning of a relationship, the other person is practically perfect in your eyes and can do no wrong. My guess is that over time, he realized that you weren't the one. Personally, I don't think that he really actively knew it and was just leading you on. I think that it's the type of thing that you aren't really sure about and then one day you just know it's not right. Maybe it was the umpeenth time you bugged him about it, he just realized you weren't the one. If he really wanted to lead you on and "use" you, he would have just kept up the big charade that he wanted to marry you. I think at that moment something just solidified with him, and he said what he felt. And thank goodness for honesty, right? Now you have the information you've wanted since the beginning and you can move on. But to say that someone is using someone else because they dated for a while and realized they weren't the one is absurd. That basically means we "used" everyone that we didn't end up marrying. I think giving him the benefit of the doubt that at some point he did want to marry you isn't too much of a stretch.
gooniette gooniette 9 years
I don't think you guys are reading the question correctly. She said that when they started dating, she asked him if he wanted to get married someday, as in, did he see marriage (to anyone) in his future. He said yes. After dating a year, she asked him again and he said no. They were no longer on the same page and he was leading her on. I also don't think it's right to follow timelines when it comes to getting engaged. Sure, you don't know everything about someone after a year, but a lot of people find out enough after that amount of time to know if they want to spend the rest of their life with that person.
Sweet-Tea Sweet-Tea 9 years
I think your gut was right when you stormed out and didn't return his phone calls. I think deep down you wouldn't have pressed him on the marriage issue had you been certain that he was on the same page as you. Trust yourself and don't be afraid to walk away from a situation that you know is not right--being in a relationship that isn't right/good can be far lonelier than being alone. Though it may not feel like it now, what you need is a little time and distance and you'll see that this is all for the best. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I have a ton of guys friends and anyone of them would run like the wind if they had a girlfriend that was pressuring them into making a lifelong committment like that after just one year. Why would YOU want to marry some guy you've only been with for one year????? You don't even know him yet. That seems like a very lost and desperate way to be. Maybe you need to take some time and get to appreciate and love yourself before you even have another serious relationship. Maybe then you won't feel so needy. You're putting yourself in a bad situation and a great set-up for heartbreak when you rush something so serious!
EllaBella EllaBella 9 years
Let Down Lana, I think that speaking of marriage after dating a guy just one year is very very early. I can tell you a very good advice I got from the mother of one of my friend: she said once to me "Don't be too naive and see a husband in each guy you date because it takes time to find the one that is right for you. Marriage is a lifelong commitment!" Remember that! Hope that helps!
alltherage alltherage 9 years
if you look up dear sugar write ins from last november you'll see one from me. my boyfriend over 31/2 years broke up with me. for almost all that time we were talking marriage and i thought we were on the same page. but he broke it off in ten minutes walked away and never looked back. it was the hardest thing i ever had to go throguht. now its nearly a year later and things are so much better im so much better and grateful we didnt end up together. the future is without answers and while that is scary its great. i know you dont see it now b/c i didnt when it happened but this is good for you. you dont want to be with a guy who doesnt want you or isnt sure. you are worth more than that so much more. so feel the pain you need to feel now and take comfort in your family and friends and look foward the best you can. it will be ok.
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