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You Asked: When will I be Ready to Move on?

Dear Sugar--
Last year I unexpectedly got pregnant while on birth control. At the time I had been dating the father of my baby for over five years, and he beamed with pride when he saw the first ultrasound, but I was very young (22) and wasn't sure how to tell my conservative family. When I was only 7 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. The miscarriage was devastating to me, but since no one knew I was pregnant in the first place, I didn't tell anyone. I was exhausted for about 8 weeks during and immediately after the first day of miscarriage, and I was sad and detached in a way I didn't know how to explain to my partner and best friend.

After a few months, he broke up with me, saying I was just so sad all the time, and he didn't think we were "working." After a week apart we ended up getting back together, we stayed together for two more months and I was very happy, but then he left again. It has been six months since we broke up and he is now dating someone else--someone who looks like me, seems like me, and my friends tell me he is taking her to the exact places we used to go and doing things we used to do together. I am devastated and I don't understand if he misses me or not; it seems like he doesn't, but it also seems like he is trying hard to replace what we had.

I know I should be trying to "move on," but I miss him and my baby so much it hurts. I just want to be a family again. When I tell my other 20-something friends how much I want to have children, they look at me like I am crazy. I have heard people say miscarriage is sometimes the will of God, but that phrase gives me no comfort. Why would God take away something that gives so much happiness? How long does it take to recover from a miscarriage? Will I ever feel happy or whole again? --Feeling Blue Brenda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Feeling Blue Brenda--

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage -- that must have been a devastating time and my heart truly goes out to you. Although it doesn't give you any comfort, the saying rings true -- a miscarriage is your body's way of telling you it wasn't meant to be, that the baby wasn't healthy. Carrying such an upsetting weight on your shoulders all on your own can't be good for you. Have you given any thought to seeing a therapist, or opening up to your family or friends? Talking about your feelings, and getting some of your hurt and heartache off your chest is the first step to the grieving process. Keeping all your emotions bottled up inside will not do anything to help you move on.

It sounds like your boyfriend couldn't handle the pressure or intensity of your hurt, or maybe he was hurting just as you were, but ran from his reality instead of facing it head on. Regardless of his rationale, he should have been there for you, so as much as you miss him, it sounds like you are better off without him. He clearly can't support you when the going gets tough. Everyone grows and develops at different paces, so try not to be so hard on yourself. With time, your wounds will heal. And Brenda, I can't stress to you enough how helpful it will be to open up to a trusted friend or counselor -- sometimes you just need a little help from a friend or a good shoulder to cry on. I wish you well.


Join The Conversation
SeptemberLights SeptemberLights 10 years
I was in a serious relationship for 2 1/2 years and had a miscarriage about 1 year in. I was so upset about it. It felt like something was being stolen from me. I didn't even know i was pregnant and i was also on birth control and had irregular periods. turns out i was almost 8 weeks. my boyfriend did not understand how i could be so upset when i didn't even know and said that everything happens for a reason. well part of my body did know that i was pregnant, even if i didn't acknowledge it consciously. i talked with him afterwards and we agreed that if we had known we would have kept it. it is so devastating. i think about it sometimes when i see a really cute baby. i wonder what ours would have looked like. i wonder if it would have been a girl or a boy. i wonder if it had a spirit or a name. it hurts really bad. i can only hope that someday i will have the chance to have children with someone i love. grieve in your own way. you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. i wrote a letter to mine, telling her how much she would have been loved had she come down from heaven and been born. no one can understand your loss but you. i will keep you in my prayers hun :)
nessabum nessabum 10 years
i agree with Dear about your boyfriend's possible reasons for leaving and why miscarriages happen. but don't just start trying to have a baby. make sure the daddy's there to stay. i think it's important for the baby to have two parents. so just keep hunting for someone really good and who will take care of you and the future baby :)
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
Seek professional help ASAP. I'm sorry for your loss when friends don't relate is harder maybe you should confide in someone you trust or a complete stranger on a help line. Good luck.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
i'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and breakup. :( moving on from a serious relationship and the pain from a miscarriage is going to take time. i hope that you can find a counsoler out there who can help you work through this. my thoughts will be with you. :hug: i know it's hard but try to think of this as a dodged bullet, this man left you when you were emotionally vulerable and unable to deal with your (and his) pain, he took the wussy way out and left. you will find someone strong, you deserve it. :hug:
sparklemeetspop sparklemeetspop 10 years
When I've had troubles, it's been hard to go to family/friends, but that's what they're there for. Take time to think about someone to tell, but in my processes of moving on, it helps to reach out and not being the only one to deal with it. Good luck!
alstaver40 alstaver40 10 years
I myself have had 4 miscarriages and It is very hard. I cant imagine what it would have been like not to have any support at all. I agree with everyone else, you really need to talk to someone who will listen to your feelings and help you through this. Your hormones are most likely out of wack big time. you went from pregnant to not pregnant in a short period of time,and it wacks your hormones out like crazy. A medical Dr. may be in order also because he/she may need to give u meds to get you back in wack. So please listen to the advive and get help as soon as possible and as for your x, what a jerk. He couldnt handle being there for u and that has to hurt. I know u Love him, but he cant be there for u when the going gets tough. Selfish people are like that and u deserve somebody much better. Take care of yourself and I will be praying for you
auddie auddie 10 years
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please, talk to someone. You need the support from someone else, and you need to lessen the burden on yourself by telling someone. This is too big for you to keep bottled up. You need to let yourself truly mourn.
onesong onesong 10 years
Hugs hugs hugs, my dear. Definitely see a therapist.
bfly1133 bfly1133 10 years
I can't imagine what you are going through but I can give you lots of :HUG:, so that is how I will start. I don't have much to add because I agree with Dear. The women in my family have all suffered miscarriages so I have seen the pain it can cause. Please, please talk to someone about this. If seeing a therapist or talking to family isn't something you want to do then go to a support group. There are many out there filled with women just like you. I will be praying and thinking about you.
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