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You Asked: Where Did This Come From?

Dear Sugar,

Just today my boyfriend broke up with me out of left field and he won't even tell me why. I didn't do anything wrong apart from love him and care for him. I don't know what to do. He won't return any of my calls or answer any of my text messages. We were fine two days ago and now this. Please tell me what I can do! I'm really hurting right now and feel so lost. — Stunned Sadie

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Stunned Sadie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting right now. Breaking up is hard, but it's even harder when you don't have the answers you so desperately want. Since he's gone radio silent, the only thing you can do is wait. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it's really the only one I can offer. Pestering him and clogging his voicemail or text inbox won't make things better, but if you feel like you just have to get some things off your chest, I suggest typing him an email or writing him a letter explaining how you feel. Once you've done that though, don't make any more attempts to contact him — let that be the closure you give yourself until he's ready to talk.

We could sit here all day and speculate where this suddenly came from, and as cliche as this may sound, only time will tell. Since you say you've only loved and supported him, something tells me this is an issue that has more to do with him than you, but again, I'm only speculating. While you wait for more to be revealed, try to lean on your friends and family for support. Do all the things that have been on your to-do list and keep yourself busy. I can only imagine how hard this must be for sure, so please treat yourself well. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
akiki akiki 8 years
the same thing just happened to me and im really hurting right now. But you know what the sad thing was, I saw the signs and knew that he was up to something. He was acting desperate and want to rush in relationship, and still talked about his ex. Im never going to be THAT STUPID agian!!!!! I dealing with the pain, but I'll be ok. And who ever is reading this, if you notice signs the your guy is act strange, dont ignore it, prepare yourself for what's about to happen. I'm just sorry i didn't break up with him first when i had the chance or noticed the signs. God was trying to tell me something, warning me. But i didint listening.Burn to learn, thats what i always say.And dont let these events in lfe make you bitter but better. There is someone better out there for you. You could do better.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
Breakups almost always occur out of the blue and catch you off guard. It's basically the calm before the storm and it leaves you going "What the hell?!" like were just hit by lightning. You have to realize that it wasn't your fault and right now you should just leave him alone and not bother him with questions. You will be fine, I promise. Sending tons of love.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
I hate when guys do this. Just a thought though: Even if you get him to give you a reason, it doesn't mean he's being truthful about that reason.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
if you really have no idea why he broke up with you and he won't tell you it's probably something you don't want to hear. That is really immature of him to do this to you. I hope that you can get some closure somehow but if that isn't possible just know it seems like it's all on him and has nothing to do with you. I'd try to talk to him for a week or so longer and then give up and move on and forget all about him. You deserve better anyway.
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
Yeah, I am only thinking the same things. It sounds like he's met someone else, or has been thinking about this for a long time - I had a boyfriend break up with me, and I can't honestly say it was out of the blue, but I REALLY didn't want it to happen - anyway, I called and left him about 400 voice messages, and now I really wish I hadn't - it's no big deal, but now years later, I feel slightly embarrassed about it, because now I realize he was RIGHT to end our relationship, and I'm so glad we broke up!! So now all the weepy, i-love-you, don't-leave-me messages seem ridiculous. Anyway, it just SUCKS, and I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but you really need to take a deep breath, and just look around you. This is a little life change, and trust me, you will be happy about it later. In terms of closure, let's say for a moment that he never EVER calls you to tell you why (I bet he will, but let's just say...) is that really someone you would have wanted to have a life-long relationship with ANYWAY?????? This reveals a lot about his character, that he's such a wimp he can't even stay and talk to you and tell you why. Use this as an opportunity to work on YOUR character as well - if he wants to see you to tell you why he's ended it, don't fight, don't beg, don't tell him you don't believe him - hear what he has to say, and if you think he's not being genuine, then you are entitled to feel that way - just hear him out, and decide what you think it says about his character, and move on - to find someone better. Good Luck.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
men who do this are called COWARDS! they have a problem, they need to be adult and talk to u about it. if hes cheating he needs to own up. if hes just had enough, he needs to have the guts to tell u that. running away is just shameful. i agree with dear sugar though, for the sake of the time u spent together, leave ONE voicemail and ONE email. and dont do any begging in those. if he comes back, he needs to do major explaining (history repeats itself) and if not, ur probably better off. although it may seem hard, in the long run u'll look back and thank god he left u, otherwise ud be living in ur innocent ignorance. good luck :)
LeChatonNoir LeChatonNoir 9 years
The problem for you is that you have so many unanswered questions, and in your mind, no preparation for this twist of events. And of course, you miss him, and all the dreams and happiness that the relationship gave you are hurting and you feel, well, devastated. This is the perfect time to do some spiritual spring cleaning. What behaviors canyou honestly say are unhealthy or bad habits? What recent negative events involving friends and your ex are worth taking responsibility for? Now is the time to really look inside yourself, boy troubles aside, and ask yourself if you're being the best version of yourself. If the answer is no, then now you have the opportunity to make some deep resolutions within yourself. If you're unsure of your answer, and still feel that your boyfriend should be a part of your life, then the most honest thing you can do is be completely and utterly honest with him and yourself, write a letter, send it to him, and leave the ball in his court, and move on, because sweetheart, there are so many parts of your life that still belongs to you and need your attention and support and confidence! Reaffirm your own strength and power, and commit yourself to your own life, and trust me, it may not be today or tomorrow, but sometime soon, things will make more sense, and you will have peace. Good luck!
crackaddict crackaddict 9 years
seriously he is probably desperate for the attention. forget him as much as possible.
saritabonita saritabonita 9 years
dont call him! seriousl. the less interest you show the more likely it is that he'll come back aja. jerks. men suck
lizzie_ttu lizzie_ttu 9 years
There's definitely not enough info here to garner good advice! How long have you been together? How old are you? Are you both in school? Are you both working? Things might be out of left field for you, but not for him. Sure you can say you did nothing but love & care for him... but how was your relationship with each other? Can you honestly say you were each others best friend? Do you laugh constantly with each other? Do you lean on him for support and advice and, more importantly, does he feel that you're the best person for him to go to? You may have idealized him in your mind and definitely felt that you were loving him and caring for him, but he might have been losing interest. Especially if you're under 25 years old, guys can quickly decide that they don't want to take any further steps and prolongue the inevitable if he doesn't see a future with you. That's the best advice I can give on the limited info. Good luck!
kia kia 9 years
The only communication I had from him after the break up was that I reminded him of the movie "Memento" he wrote me a letter one day that said he knew he loved me and our life was good but in his present life he could not place me. It was like I never existed. At that point I trashed the letter and did not bother trying to reach him. I figured he was a head case anyway.
kia kia 9 years
I feel for you. I went through this with a relationship years ago. The guy asked for my hand in marriage, we were doing great, and then... a break-up with no explanation. He was gone and it was like I never existed to him. The worst part was that he went on with his life and I was left in a haze with no closure. No answers. Nothing. In this case you really have to believe it is him and not you while you wait. I hope you get closure. If he has any balls he'll deliver some answers. In my case I delved head first into work and school after I got over my short daze and crying phase. To this day, no closure from him but I have moved on and am glad he did not turn out to be the one for me.
fantome14 fantome14 9 years
As ffemt120 says, this may be an indicator that he's with someone else. My ex did the same thing to me--left me for someone, though he claimed he didn't get with her until a week later (even so, their hooking up was a long time coming). In this case, they're just too ashamed to admit how horrible they're acting, or they don't want to hurt you." Whatever. My suggestion is just to find out whether he's worth getting back before you make the effort. In fact, no matter what he reason, I suggest you try to move on. You don't want someone who will up and leave with no warning, even if he wasn't cheating. You do deserve to find out what happened in order to get closure, but, sad to say, you probably ought to give up on this one. Speaking as someone who has wasted years of her life in hope for one worthless guy or another, trust me on this. I'm much happier now that I've stopped, even though I am single.
Witchy-Ways Witchy-Ways 9 years
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me the same way last year. At first, I thought that it was completely out of the blue and I was shocked. He eventually told me that he had been thinking about breaking up for a month but just never had the guts to go through with it. After that, I started thinking a lot about how our relationship was working and I did notice small things that I should've noticed - signs that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. The fact that he was graduating at the time made me think that he was stressed out (which he always said he was) but he was actually just making up excuses not be completely happy when I was around. Now I feel like a fool that I didn't come up with the conclusion earlier that everything was about to end...
alltherage alltherage 9 years
good advice all around. he may have known he was going to do this but as ffemt said he probalby just didnt have the guts. i went thru this a while ago. he just up and left. found out thru a friend after three and half years of talking marriage he felt he wasnt the "marrying type" though he had never conveyed that to me. in the end it was more about his own issues than mine. im sorry u are going thru this.
ffemt1201 ffemt1201 9 years
the same exact thing happened to me nearly two years ago when my then-fiance left me out of the blue...turns out he was cheating on me and he thought it was more manly to move out and break off the engagement without a word than to actually own up to his mistakes. before i found out he had cheated on me, i nearly went crazy trying to figure out what i may have done wrong. sometimes, it's tough to accept the fact we are not always the cause of the problem but that we will certainly suffer as a consequence. if you feel as though you haven't done anything to deserve this, then don't second guess yourself, accept the breakup, and move on (into the arms of someone who deserves you). it sucks, it hurst...but that's life. good luck, girl ;-)
Berlin Berlin 9 years
More than likely this has been a long time coming from his end, he just hasn't been upfront with showing you how he has really felt. Your best bet is to honor his wishes and NOT call, not not write, just let him be for a while. He could just need time to breathe and think, and if you are constantly trying to push on him, it will only push him farther. So just give him time and I'm sure he'll come around. It really all depends on how long you two have been together, and if you have been looking at the relationship in a far different light than he has. Girls tend to get very clingy and dependent, and that is a turn-off for most men. So again, just be patient and give him time. Try to go out with friends and concentrate on other things so you can keep your mind from being stuck on the break up.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
Have you two been arguing a lot lately? Is there some life-changing thing coming up (new job? new apartment? recent graduation?) When I broke up with one of my exes, he thought it was "out of the blue" but I had been wanting to break up with him for quite a few months, I was just trying to stay in the relationship hoping it would work. Finally, when he got a job far away and asked me to move, I saw the dead end and knew I had to get out of it. It surprised him, but seemed inevitable to me.
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