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You Asked: Who Should I Be With?

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy several years ago. We always had amazing chemistry. We've known each other for almost 15 years, but he wasn't mature enough to handle a monogamous relationship when we dated, and he cheated repeatedly until we finally split up. After the breakup, I began seeing another man who, on paper, is a perfect catch — intelligent, sweet and funny — but we never quite clicked, and he never made me feel like my ex did. Regardless, we ended up getting married several years ago, but my ex has always been in my heart. He got married as well (to the woman he cheated with), but it didn't last and they are now divorced.

After his marriage ended, he walked back into my life. My husband and I had been having some problems for about two years, and when we saw each other again, we immediately clicked. I felt like I hadn't felt in years — I found my passion again, I found my drive, and I was happy. He admitted how much he missed me and how he had always loved me. As wrong as it is, I felt giddy again, and we've been having an affair for the last three years.

Yesterday, he told me that he can no longer do this, and I'm devastated. Apparently he's having thoughts of other women and is scared that if he can cheat with a married woman, he will cheat on me again. I don't know what to do, what direction to go, or which way to turn. Please point me in the right direction. — In Turmoil Izzy

To see DearSugar's answer,


You sure have gotten yourself into quite a love triangle here, but even though you say you have strong feelings for your ex, it doesn't excuse the fact that you're a married woman who's been carrying on an affair for three years now. Not only are you being incredibly selfish, but you're also doing yourself a huge disservice by staying with a man you don't love, not to mention living a lie to the person you took vows with. As for your ex, it's pretty clear that he has no sense of commitment or loyalty — he cheated when he was with you and now he's allowing himself to be the other man all the while retaining his wandering eye. If you ask me, this isn't someone you want to be with regardless of the chemistry you feel. Sometimes, if things don't work out the first time, there's a reason for it.

Of course, only you can know which direction to take, but if I were you, I'd sever ties with both these men ASAP and take some much needed time for yourself to sort out your love life. Perhaps a clear head will make you realize what it is you really need and want out of a relationship. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Umm your ex bf sounds like a sleazebag cheater. Why would you want to be involved with someone like that? Get out that relationship now. I think you need counselling to sort it all out. I think that maybe you feel a lot of sexual chemistry with this guy, but deep down you know he is a cheater and would not make a good long term partner so you stay with your husband and keep him on the side. I feel really sad for your husband. If he is not right for you, then perhaps you need to end it, otherwise it is not fair to him. I hope that there are no little ones involved here.
geebers geebers 8 years
Whatever happened to respecting the person you love and are committed to? You have no respect for your husband at all do you? That is sad.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I'm speechless. Listen to pop.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
Very well put, popgoestheworld!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Sometimes what we want isn't what we need. You think you want this guy and all the passion he brings etc. But the passion is a result of your illicit affair, and a result of the fundamental uncertainty of your relationship. It's easy to keep the butterflies alive in this kind of situation. But imagine yourself in a future with this person. Will you ever trust him? Will he ever trust you? Will you still be hot for him when he refuses to do any chores around the house? Would he be a good father? Sometimes the people that make us the most wild and the most "in love" aren't actually people that we should spend the rest of our lives with. For that, you need someone that you absolutely cherish and respect and who does you the same favor. I think that by that definition of love, you don't love your husband or your ex, and your ex doesn't love you. I think you should take this man at his word and cut off the affair, and go to counseling. Maybe if you stop and think about what a good man your husband is you can learn to feel wild about a good person instead of feeling wild about someone who just makes your heart beat with uncertainty.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 8 years
Why did you marry your husband in the first place? Couldn't you have waited until you found someone you had chemistry with that WOULDN'T cheat on you? You shouldn't have settled in the first place.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
I agree w/Jude and CYL. And then there's Sundaygreen up there - always giving me a nice chuckle.
CYL CYL 8 years
I agree is kind of sad and disheartening...
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
What is it with all of the "cheating on spouses/long-term partners" pieces on here lately? Anyways, this guy sounds like a serial cheater, and the woman sounds as if what she's found in him is probably just the initial excitement of a new love and the thrill of something forbidden.
CYL CYL 8 years
I feel very sorry for you. You need to learn to love yourself and be happy all on your own and single like Sugar said. Why did you marry your husband in the first place if you felt he wasn't the right one for you? Personally I would rather be alone than with someone and miserable. I agree with MissJules5x and the others. You should be with neither. Your ex will continue to cheat as this is part of his personality regardlesss of age. This is a bit of karma coming back to you (him wanting to cheat with another married woman). Stop what you are doing right now with your ex. You need to rethink what you really want out of your relationship with your husband and why you married him in the first place. If you really want to be with your ex and is ok with him cheatnig you need to leave your husband. Stop using your husband as a security blanket.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
It's women like this one that cause men to be insecure, jealous, unforgiving, suspcious and tainted towards the rest of the women they must date after she's broken them. Shame! You two deserve each other and I hope you live miserably together for years to come before you both get hurt badly by someone else that you've been cheating on each other with. Ugh. Your husband deserves SO much better. Divorce him before he wastes any more of his life and good qualities on such an undeserving b!tch.
thelorax thelorax 8 years
I couldn't agree more with sundaygreen & a nonny mouse -- you two are made for each other. NEITHER of you can be trusted, therefore, you can't trust each other. It's a perfect match and you deserve each other.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 8 years
The irony of this post! Sundaygreen is on the mark. The two of you are a well matched pair. Your husband deserves far better.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
It sounds like you're meant for eachother.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
and the answer is neither of them... you will never love your husband and i doubt he'll forgive you for marrying him when you didnt care about him then carrying on with a 3 year affair. and the other guy wont be with you in the long run even if you do decide to be with him. he's not putting out the signs. he's telling you straight out he can't be monogomous to you, so dont expect it to change cuz it hasnt and it wont.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
first of all YOU ARE MARRIED. you are sitting here only thinking about yourself and if this guy youre having an affair with will cheat on you. youre the one thats cheating. you married someone just to have someone. you knew you didnt have chemistry with your husband yet you married him and then carried out a 3 year affair. please do this guy a favor and let him know whats going on and get a divorce so he can find someone who is worth his time. second...this guy youve been carrying out an affair with...he couldnt be monogamous back then, not because he's immature but because its who he is and years and years arent going to change him. he went back to you cuz you allowed him to and he had no one else. now hes getting back to meeting other women and you are freaking out. seriously give us a break and listen to yourself. you have low self esteem and you wouldnt know what a good guy was if he was standing in front of you (which your husband has for years) you have been hurting him and only thinking about yourself which is terrible. you dragged him into a marriage that was all lies and i dont know how you can sit there and still only worry about this scumbag youve been sleeping with. you need a wake up call, a divorce, and lots of therapy.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Learn to value your heart. Once you do that, you decide who deserves that precious item - your husband or your boyfriend, or neither.
subtleheights subtleheights 8 years
The question is can you trust him period? what is the point if you cannot trust him while you are married or even if you are single? he sounds like a repeat offender to me. has he matured at all? if you were to leave your husband, is there a guarantee that this guy is not going to be running the streets, do you end up in heartbreak? sometimes we have to let go of what we love the most in order to find happiness elsewhere. i was once in love with a married man whom i thought was my soulmate.I know he is and i still do love him, i go out with him sometimes, but i had to let him go and i found true love in a man i thought i could never love.ask yourself some true questions and be real with yourself. its all about what will make you happy later. no need to jump from the pan and into the fire. most of all have respect for yourself. you have to let go may not be either guy. but i think you can find happiness. i wish you all the best.
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
It does sound like your ex loves you, and at least he's being honest with you...and if he admits that he doesn't think he can be faithful, he probably can't. If you want it to work, you have to understand that you are accepting him AND his cheating. He also probably thinks that you could easily cheat on him. You know what they said...if they do it for you, they will do it to you. But first and foremost, you need to resolve things with your husband. What you are doing is wrong, no matter the situation.
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