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You Asked: Who Should I Date?

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy recently who I see every week as part of a social running group. We ended up doing a recruitment project together and we hooked up twice. After the second hook-up session, he told me he "kind of" has a girlfriend in an on-again off-again relationship who lives far away. He told me he wasn't sure what was going on with them, but he said he really enjoys spending time with me. I really like him, but I don't want to put myself out there since I know he is attached. At the same time, I'm worried that if I start dating other guys, and he decides he wants to date me, I could end up hurting someone else.

There is also another guy who I have known for a few years, who I think is interested in me. He unfortunately lives four hours away from me so I don't know what to do. Should I keep seeing guy number one but not hook up with him anymore in the hopes that he realizes how good we are together, or date guy number two and see what happens with him? — Options Olive

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Options Olive,

From what you're telling me, it sounds like you're trying to decide between the better of two not-so-great situations. Since guy number one is playing games, I'd talk to him about the future of his on-again off-again relationship — perhaps he's just holding onto her for security. If he can't give you a straight answer, I think you should move on — you don't want him to continue giving you false hope.

If guy number two is really someone you think you could date, truly take the distance between you into consideration. Long distance relationships are tough, so if you're pushing something with him just to have a boyfriend, you might want to think about holding off until you meet someone close by.

Relationships should come naturally, so try not to push matters of the heart. Be true to yourself and your feelings and everything will fall into place.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I am not understanding why, if you started dating someone else, you would just dump them for this guy! I think you will probably meet someone better, who is single and lives relatively close to you. You just have not met the right guy yet. Don't settle with anyone until you do.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
something that i've learned through experience (AND NOT A GOOD ONE) is that guys who say that they have an on-again-off-again thing with a long distance person means that they are really 100% on but since they aren't in the same city - for that sense they are off. i dated a guy who said that exact same thing and come to find out that they are really dating fully and they have no plans to break up. since that's kind of what i've found from my experience, i would tell guy #1 that you don't feel comfortable the way that things are, and that you would rather not have that type of relationship, and then if guy #2 is interested, you should see if there's something good there. i feel like it would be better for you to have a long distance thing that you KNOW might work rather than wait for the local thing that might not.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 8 years
Neither. It sounds like you're settling either way.
bluestar bluestar 8 years
baybelle baybelle 8 years
Do both! Tell Guy No. 1 no more hook ups till he's single AND start dating Guy No. 2! But I agree with Dear - you sound kinda blah about both guys - no other options out there?
Deidre Deidre 8 years
Answer: neither guy. It's not like these two are the only men in the world (or, hell, your town). You really need to find someone who is truly single -- if he's jerking you around, chances are he's doing it to this pseudo-girlfriend he has too. Do you really want to be involved in that situation? As for the long distance guy, you mention in your post that he's interested in you -- but you don't mention anything about whether or not you like him. Your tone implies to me that you would want to date him simply for the sake of dating SOMEONE (of course, I could have totally mis-read you here). LDRs are really, really tough if there's no end in sight (i.e. if you have no set goal in being in the same place eventually). Don't rush into a long-distance thing just to keep a guy on your dance card, so to speak. I say stay single and unattached from both guys. Keep you options open for a better (and closer) situation. Good luck!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
1) Tell guy #1 no more hookups or *anything* until he's 100% single. He's using both of you and it's particularly unfair to her - have you thought about the fact that he might be lying to you, that they're not really on- and off-again? I'd keep a safe distance from this guy. I've been in a situation like this before and it was seriously bad news. 2) If guy #2 is really a nice person with whom you can see a future, consider dating him if he asks. Just see what it turns into. Four hours is nothing in the realm of LDRs. But make sure you really like him. (and that he really likes you!)
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
I think timing and not let the distance/the *convenience* factor be a deciding factor are crucial considerations for you. 1) Right timing = 1st guy with a on-again and off-again relationship. If true love is there, waiting for him and the right timing is worth all that effort. What's wrong with being "single" for a while? 2) Distance should never be a diciding factor. If distance is in the way of you starting something serious with guy #2, obviously you are looking for convenience rather than a mate who you seriously want to start a relationship with. good luck
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