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You Asked: Why Am I So Upset About Her Abortion?

Dear Sugar,

Last night I came home from work to find my roommate/best friend asleep on the couch. She woke up a couple minutes later asking her boyfriend to get her some brownies. Her demeanor was such that I suspected something was wrong as she doesn't usually crave food this way. I asked her jokingly ''what's the matter with you, are you pregnant?'' and she started laughing, looked at her boyfriend and said ''I can't lie to her." I asked her if she was keeping it and she told me that she'd already scheduled an abortion. She is 24 and works as a waitress. Her boyfriend has a decent paying job but she said that keeping it would put their goals and dreams on hold (they are hoping to start a business together). I was mad, disappointed, and went
straight to bed.

As far as abortion goes, I feel that the reasons they came up with just weren't good enough. But who am I to judge? I want her to keep it and even though it's none of my business really, I just can't see their perspective. How can I let go of this angry feeling that I have about a decision that has nothing to do with me?
— Pro Life Lyndsay

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear Pro Life Lyndsay,

I'm sorry to hear that you're taking this news so personally, but you're right, this isn't your decision to make. Their rational for aborting their baby might not be good enough for you, but it is for them, which is really all that matters. Obviously this pregnancy was unplanned, so if having a baby wasn't a desire of theirs and would have been more of a burden than anything else, it sounds as though they did what was best for everyone involved.

You're entitled to your own opinions on abortion, but you need to remember that they are just that — your opinions. I'm sure you're still a little shocked to learn this news so I'd take a few days, let it process, and remember that no matter what, she needs your friendship and support right now. The best part about having good friends is that they are there for you even when they don't necessarily agree with the decisions you make. Hopefully you can put your difference aside and not let her ruin your relationship.


Join The Conversation
Captious Captious 8 years
Wow. People are so harsh toward the original poster and they keep telling her it's not her place to judge- but it IS her place to judge. She has to judge whether this has altered how she feels about her friend enough that she can no longer continue the friendship. You're all judging her emotional reaction, her gut feeling and that's not right either. She's not saying "OMG SHOULD I TELL MY FRIEND SHE IS GOING TO BURN IN HELL AND SHE IS KILLING ALL THE BABIEZ KEKEKEKE" She SAYS it is not her place to judge. She says she feels angry/disappointed. I'm not saying she should end the friendship but she shouldn't be judged for expressing her dismay at the situation because that what it boils down to. I'm adopted. I'm pro-choice politically because I believe the black market is the ultimate bad and there are too many people who do not believe abortion is ending a human life so black market there will be. But that doesn't mean I'm -okay- w/ abortion. It'd be one nasty emotional wringer if a friend told me they were getting an abortion. I really don't know if I could stay friends w/ that person. How can I not look at her and think wow, she's choosing to preempt the possibility of someone like me? This is way after the fact so to the original poster I hope everything turned out okay for you. I'm sorry you got stuck in one of life's sh*ttier situations, finding out something that makes you deeply disappointed in someone you love.
Advah Advah 9 years
I agree with NYFashionista, this is not a pro/anti-abortion debate. As you said it yourself, you have every right to feel the way you want about the situation, but you don't have any right to tell her what to do or judge her for her actions. Some people mentioned telling her how you feel; sorry, but that's not what your roomate needs. The poster is her *roomate*, not her mo m, counselor, or boyfriend. She didn't ask for any advice, she just made her decision. I'd also add that going through an abortion must be a difficult and stressful experience - the last thing this girl needs is having her roomate lecturing her on what she should do, or just having her roomate telling her she's disappointed. If you can leave your feelings aside, support her with your friendship. If you can't, then just stay out of the story. :)
AshleyMay84 AshleyMay84 9 years
Don't judge her. This situation is delicate enough as it is. She is probably conflicted as hell. She is 24 and works as a waitress. Maybe she isn't sure that her b/f is the guy shes going to be with for the rest of her life. maybe she cant picture raising a child with this man. And plus, shes young. She is doing the least selfish thing that she can. Whatever her reasons are, im sure they are the right reasons for her. Be as supportive as you can. you are her best friend. And it is not your place to judge.
sass317 sass317 9 years
I actually came home one night when I was 22 to find out my 19 year old roommate was pregnant. I was SO shocked- she was so ambitious and driven, I couldnt believe she would be so irresponsible. I asked her what had happened, I knew she wasnt on the pill, she said it was unprotected drunk makeup sex with her bf that she had been with for only a couple of months. I asked her why she didnt go to Planned Parenthood and get the morning after pill and she said it had been on her "to do" list but she just didnt get around to it. I was like, "uh it should have been the ONLY thing on your list!" but she went into denial that it could actually happen to her, but then it did. I was angry with her- but only bc it was so out of character for her to be so careless. She kept the baby, but she and the guy couldnt work things out. She had to miss my wedding bc it was her weekend and he wouldnt switch with her and she couldnt take him to her parents house or bring him with her bc she would have to cross a state line and she told me if she did that her ex would charge her with kidnapping. He makes her life miserable. You have to respect her choice- she could very well end up in the same situation as my former roommate if she kept the baby.
geebers geebers 9 years
How do you know she did NOT use contraception? Please- condoms break, birth control pills are not 100% effective. If someone IS responsible and they get pregnant anyway -they should be forced to undergo the pregnancy and take a risk of adoption with the odd chance that their baby could end up in foster care and grow up to be a criminal? There is more to abortion than irresponsibility and not using contraceptives. Don't be quick to judge.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Of course abortion is a quick fix. I agree. And seriously, pregnancy only occurs when condoms aren't used. Right.
jnj213 jnj213 9 years
i think the best way to cope is to have a discussion. Not an argument or a debate, a conversation where people don't just hear, they listen. You can say you're concerned, concerns warranted abortion or not, it is a stressful situation. Ask questions, when did you find out? What did (bf's name) say? Try to get a grasp on her point of view and how she is feeling; empathize with her, she's your friend. We are all quick to judge, instead of proclaiming rights and wrongs, which don't help the poster why not try constructive things. All you can do is have a civilized, calm, well mannered conversation about the situation and be as well informed as possible; information about all options is important I think. Then regardless of the decision that run its course, be supportive.
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 9 years
Try not to judge, but I'm on your side. I'm not a religous person at all but I would never consider having an abortion (unless medically necessary). Because of my particular degree I know a lot about fetal development and it disturbs me how late into a pregnancy a woman can have an abortion. But I feel your anger, if she didn't want to get pregnant, she should learn how to use contraception. I find it so frustrating that so many people nowadays aren't willing to take responsibility for their actions and use quick and easy fixes and it saddens me that people willing abort their children because they couldn't be bothered to use a condom. Argh I could go on and on and on, but abortion is a very heated topic.
MisterPinkNoTip MisterPinkNoTip 9 years
It sounds like you are upset with your friend largely because of the decisions of other friends. And it also seems like there is a jealousy issue because of your wish to have a child. Regardless of how you feel about abortion, you must recognize that all of these situations are different. It really sounds like you are pushing your decision on her instead of trying to help her talk things out for herself and decide what is best for her at this point in her life. This is a terrible decision she has to make, but I think if you encouraged her to talk to you about it (without you stating any opinion during the discussion. just let her talk) and seek the opinion of more than one ob-gyn, then her situation would be improved. It is not your place to tell her your opinion anymore. She already knows what you think, and now it is time to support her in whatever she decides to do. I am going to have to disagree with kaenai about talking to her about birth control options right now. I think since you've already expressed that you do not approve of her decision, talking to her about birth control would seem patronizing. I know that kaenai suggested this because she probably needs to talk about it, but I think you should encourage ther to discuss it with her doctor instead of bringing it up yourself.
kaenai kaenai 9 years
I think the best way to get over it is just to Get Over It. It really isn't your place to tell her what to do, nor is it your place to foist your opinions about her decision on her. Since she bothered to tell you in the first place, I assume she considers you a good friend. What she needs from you, therefore, is your support in the coming days/weeks, not your criticism and disdain. If you truly feel, however, that you can't keep it to yourself, at some appropriate point, I would let her know how you feel - that is, tell her that you disagree (but keep the ranting to a minimum), and that you will stand behind her. And from your post above, it doesn't necessarily sound like you are against abortion, but that you are against irresponsible people having them. Maybe you could find a time to ask her about her birth control choices (since they are apparently not working)? I'm sure friends do that to help each other out at least once in a while, (even if it doesn't sound or look like that stupid commercial for "Yaz" that I despise so much). Good luck to you. :)
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
I'd say not wanting the child is the BEST reason not to have it.
emalove emalove 9 years
I try not to judge people for this...every situation is different and you just don't know what's right for another person. My best friend had an abortion when she was 16 and I will always stand by her and support that decision she made. I am pro-choice for myself, I've always known that I'd never be able to have an abortion. That's just me, what I'd choose for myself. But I believe that women should have the right to choose.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
It isn't making excuses for the friend to believe that women should have the right to control their own bodies.
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
I think that you can't change the way you feel or the way she feels. I don't think you can make this decision for her, but I think you have a right to your own opinion. I would disagree to and it seems like eveyrone is making excuses for her, that she's young and she has her life ahead of her. Well that may be true but she knew that before she had sex with this guy. My mother always had this take when it came down to pro life or pro choice she would say I am pro choice but the choice should be made before your clothes comeoff before your hormones start up and before there is no turning back. abortion is not simply a right of a mother it is the choice to end a life. I think if more people thought of it more seriously then there wouldn't be such abig fight. Everyone makes their own choice and lives with it
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree - it's not your place to judge. Your bestfriend would be living with the consequences of the decision (to abort, or not), not you. So she decides what's best FOR HER, not for you. So stop projecting what's best for you onto her. That's innaccurate and irrational. Don't blur the boundaries between you and her.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I'm glad you worked it out! But, lol, "one of these mormons" is not a great characterization of people who are pro-life for religious reasons...sheesh!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
You have every right to be upset that she is aborting your child. After all, you were planning on carrying the child for 9 months, delivering it, finding childcare while you are at work, (or be a stay-at-home mom, how FUN!), staying up at night to breastfeed,, changing and paying for its diapers, taking it to the doctor, giving it braces, paying for college, a wedding, a car and being a mother to it. How selfish of her to take this away from you! Oh, wait..yeah maybe you shouldn't be so judgmental. She probably shouldn't have told you, but maybe you can find it in your heart to be supportive...
Heyya! Heyya! 9 years
Hey guys I am the original poster. Thanks alot Asia1984 for that reality check, I guess I needed it. Besides the fact you called the baby a motherfu*cker it makes alot of sense. As I am growing up I find myself more and more in complete disagreement with abortion, its a matter that feel in my heart is wrong in many situations. My girlfriends have used abortion, time and time again, to end their pregnancies and have kept having sex without protection. It is not the case of this particular friend of mine. We did talk after I posted this, and I asked her if she was sure of her decision, if she even thought about keeping it, and she said ''I want to get aborted but I have an appointment with a ob-gyn soon and I am sure she will try to brainwash me into keeping it'' So there is hope...I am not pushing anything on her but she obviously knows where I stand from my reaction... I just feel people are taking abortion too lightly!! I am not like one of these mormons or something, Im not at all religious...its not about that! And yes Im dying to have a child! It is MY OWN PROBLEM not hers... folks you are right! That girl has been my best friend for 15 years, and just to imagine killing a small version of her...ugh! anyways guys really thanks for the kick in the ass!
sjj158 sjj158 9 years
Unless you've walked in her shoes then you have nothing to say. Period. It's not your business and I do NOT agree with trying to talk her out of it and refer her somewhere where they will try to talk her out of it. If you were my friend and you did that... I'd quickly have one less friend and have a better life because of it. It is not your position to judge and by trying to convince someone that their choice is wrong then you are passing judgement. I am over 30, married, financially stable and educated and if I were to get pregrant tomorrow I don't know if I'd have it or not. That's MY decision to make. Be there for your friend and support her. You may not agree with her decision but it's her decision and if you really care for her you'll stand by her through this difficult process.
geebers geebers 9 years
I understand that some people see it as killing her child and a moral obligation but keep in mind that the actual act of pregnancy CAN be traumatizing for some women (social repercussions, unable to work) and therefore adoption may indeed be out of the question. Don't judge her. She wants to have an abortion that is her choice. Until you get pregnant and have a situation where YOU cannot raise your child and must make this difficult decision, snap out of it and be there for your friend.
ElizabethRae ElizabethRae 9 years
To the poster, I think the fact that you are upset about this is completely valid. This is your roommate, someone you trust, and she is doing something you wouldn't have expected - possibly even something you think is wrong. If we were talking about something that didn't harm someone else, I would probably say to keep it to yourself, but since she actually wants to kill her child because it is going to be inconvenient - I think you have a moral obligation to at least tell her that you are concerned. Many women who have abortions suffer deep guilt and sorrow later on. Those are not the kinds of things that clinics will warn you about though. You can present her with alternatives, like adoption (there are thousands of loving homes longing for children), and you can make sure she is prepared for the aftermath if she does go through with it. I think the most important thing is that you don't judge her and that you are there for her. You can love her without condoning her actions. The links given above by support_her are probably a good place to start and I am sure there are many others out there. If you don't feel you can say something to her, maybe writing her a letter is a better idea. That way you can say what you need to without getting caught up in the moment. Letter writing is very cathartic, even if you don't give it to the person. Good luck. You, your friend, and her baby are in my prayers.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
As far as abortion goes, I feel that the reasons they came up with just weren't good enough. But who am I to judge?
Not only are you no one to judge her, you've already judged her. You dont believe in abortion, don't have one. You want to have this kid for her, go ahead. See how she'll take that one. Geez!
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
just be there for her. although i think abortion is wrong now, i can definitely see myself considering it if i was to get pregnant right now. its a scary position to be in if ur not ready! the only time u should give her ur 2 cents is if she asks for ur opinion, and since she hasnt, theres no need to pipe in.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
How would you feel if you were in her situation? Its easy for you to judge her and get upset about it, but imagine if you were pregnant with a so-so job and no husband. Like everybody else said, its her body and her life, so she can do whatever she wants with it, whether her reasons are good enough or not. At least she didn't say: i'm going on vacation in 4 months and I can't have a belly on the beach! And even if she did, its not your place to judge.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 9 years
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