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You Asked: Why Am I Still Mourning?

Dear Sugar,

I have been divorced for about five years, and almost three years ago, my ex passed away. It was very sudden and my two kids were at home with him the morning it happened and I was lucky enough to make it over to his house just in time to say goodbye. I have been in a relationship with someone ever since my divorce, but lately I find myself missing my ex more and more everyday, some days I get almost to a depressed state because I miss him so much. I think about him all the time and he's often in my dreams. I don't understand why I am feeling all of these emotions now when he died so many years ago. Do you have any advice? — Mourning Maura

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Mourning Maura,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Grieving someone's death is a different process for everyone, so still feeling pain three years after his passing is by no means abnormal. Since you were present with your children when he passed, something tells me you pushed your emotions down inside in order to be strong for your kids but no matter how hard you try to mask your feelings, they won't go away.

You and your ex-husband obviously had a very special bond so just because you've moved on doesn't mean you can't miss him or lament his death. The only advice I can offer you is to give in to your sorrow — feel your pain and be sad if that's what your body and mind is telling you to do. The sooner you face your feelings head on, the sooner you'll be able to process them. Talk about your emotions too. Lean on your friends and family for support and try to focus on celebrating his life. Although these tips are much easier said than done, remember that time will also be a great healer for you. My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you all the best.


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I think it's pretty normal that you're going through this. You're always going to wonder "what if" about everything you could have done differently. Eventually these feelings will pass. I recommend journaling to get them out. It helps me so much. It must be really hard and I'm sorry for your loss.
skigurl skigurl 9 years
it is particularly hard for you because you weren't his current spouse when he passed - therefore you did not, likely, recieve the grief counselling and attention that a widow would have at the time, and in turn you have a special situation where you still feel the sorrow but it may not have been immediately recognized good luck!
Lele777 Lele777 9 years
I have been through this myself. My current husband knows that I have good and bad days. He is great and never takes issue with me talking about my ex or crying because it does hurt. Do what you need to do and greive how you need to until you can move foward with your life.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
grief is a process and you have to work through it. ever see those people at the vietnam memorial crying and touching the names? there's no expiration date on grief. if you do the work that grieving requires you'll feel better. the saying is "it will never hurt less but it will hurt less often". find a support group through your local hospital or womens center or try individual counseling. 5 years is long enough to know if you are able to handle this on your own and it appears that you are not. there is no shame in getting the help you need to be there for your family and yourself.
Nina_79 Nina_79 9 years
I agree with sugar. I know how it is to loose a loved one, and the grief comes in waves. Even now, years later, I still miss the people I lost. Probably when your ex-husband died, you had to be strong for your kids, so you put your own hurt aside. Now that they might not need you that much, you are allowing yourself to hurt. And it is important that you do this, allow the pain, even if it is difficult. This is the only way you can get through it and move on. It might also be a good idea to get professional help in this difficult time, someone outside of your family who is not affected by this death themselves. I wish you a lot of strength and love for this time and I promise, even if it sounds cliché, with time the pain will get smaller, but only if you allow yourself to mourn first.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
*die (not day)
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
GET COUNSELING .... Without knowing it you might be depressed. Seeing somebody day (I'm assuming that by what you wrote) is no small thing. For once, I agree with sugar..let the pain come out and don't feel guilty about it... hopefully your current bf will understand and not think you're stuck in the past. Grieve, it'll save your mental health!
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