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You Asked: Why Am I Still Thinking About Him?

Dear Sugar,

About two years ago, I started dating a guy who I was head over heels about. We had so much in common and I loved being with him. For some reason, I got super insecure in the relationship, and he eventually broke up with me.

About six months later we made an attempt at reconciliation, where all I did was try to be patient and apologize, and he completely took advantage of my insecurities and treated me like crap. He was mean and horrible and refused to try to work on things with me. To make a long story short, we eventually stopped speaking.

It's been about nine months since we spoke, and he destroyed me, but for some reason, I still compare every guy to him, him being compared favorably! I don't understand why I can't get over this or what is wrong with me. Any advice or suggestions? — Stuck in the Past Paula

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Stuck in the Past Paula,

It's really easy to idealize a past relationship, but it's important to be realistic about your ex. Although you did have good times together, you need to remember that when it came down to it, he didn't treat you in the way you deserved to be treated. We all have ex boyfriends and, in order to learn what it is that we want and don't want out of our next relationship, listen to the lessons you learned.

It's perfectly normal to compare boyfriends, but be true to who they were. If you only focus on their best qualities, you aren't being fair to yourself or your new flame. Since you are still favoring your ex boyfriend out of these comparisons, it's pretty clear that you are not quite ready to let go of your past. Time is a great healer and remember E. Jean's advice, finding a good guy is just a numbers game. Make yourself available and remember that you're going to have to kiss some frogs before you find your prince, but sooner than later your ex will be a part of your distant past. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
jack883 jack883 9 years
Nice guys are boring to you females, unless we have money....
asmalada asmalada 9 years
ys, I do agree nice guys are usually boring, but bad guys are more attractive and humorous: they know how to make girls be happy, how to make girls laugh, how to flirt with girls nicely, how to bring suprises to girls.....anyway, what they do can always make girls think about them most of time! But if u wanna a REAL rela, I dont think any girl wanna marry or have a bf like this, making herself feel insecure always!
Esix Esix 9 years
Easy. Women are suckers for bad guys. You may say it's not true, but mostly the nice guys are boring.
sabrinaBee sabrinaBee 9 years
am passing through this right now. break up and all, with a guy who treated me badly. it's too hard. but i know i will eventually get over him.
mlen mlen 9 years
its simple- you just aren't over him yet- and you are romanticizing how the relationship was. i did that with an ex. similar sitch- we broke up- then started talking again and then ended it again for good. he treated me badly but yet i still thought about him all the time. its cause i wasn't over him at all- cause i was head over heels, as you said. and i kept ignoring the bad stuff. it took a while to get over that but i finally did. one thing i did was date someone new. i'm not saying date anyone but find someone you like and you'd like to get to know better and don't compare them to the ex- just get to know them. i finally did that and dated the guy for a year. it eventually ended too but you know what- i got over the ex i couldn't get over, and i got over the other boy too.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
You guys didn't have a very good relationship together and you say that he mistreated you the second time around. Why is the the model for great boyfriends all of a sudden? You might be passing up great guys just because they don't treat you as crappy as he might've? Stop patting this guy on the back and read a book or something. Hell, read Bethany Marshall's Deal Breaker.
asmalada asmalada 9 years
hi, I can fully understand your feeling. But you deserve more than that. I said goodbye to my ex first 2 months ago, cz i found he was not that into me. During the 3 weeks, I did miss him much, and even thought about contacted him again. However I controled myself, thankgoodness! Now my feeling on him is fading away day by day! Just think carefully how he treated you when you were together again. Is that what u want? Furthermore, everyone has their own good points and shortcomings, you should not compare ur ex with other guys like that. Actually, it is not you CAN NOT forget him, but u DON NOT WANT to forget him!!! There are many more intersting things, traveling, .... and many good guys, wish you can get out of the feeling and good luck!
citizenkane citizenkane 9 years
I completely know where you are coming from. I focused on an ex-boyfirend for 3 years after we dated...until I started dating my current boyfriend. I think the reason I did this was because I wasn't dating any 'quality' guys. I think it may be common to think about a good guy until another good guy comes along. He'll fade away in due time.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I think it's a common problem to look at past relationships through rose colored glasses. I think we do this because we're optimistic, and I also think we do this to convince ourselves that we couldn't have possibly had SUCH bad taste. Meaning, the guy treated you like garbage, and to compensate for the fact that you somehow allowed that, you are remembering only the good parts. It sort of helps justify a relationship gone awful. Honestly, I find that until a new guy comes along, women fixate on the old relationship. I think it's just human nature.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
I totally agree with DS! Your choosing to only compare the good things about your ex when whats more important is to also remember the bad and why you broke up twice in the first place. It's also not fair to a potential mate. Maybe you need some time away from men period to clear your head and get yourself together?
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