Skip Nav
The Definitive List of Chick Lit Classics That Are Still Worth Reading
The Ultimate Summer Couples Bucket List
15 Unique Ways You and Your SO Can Celebrate Your Anniversary

You Asked: Why Can't I Get a Date?

You Asked: Why Can't I Get a Date?

Dear Sugar,

I haven't had a relationship in over seven years and I am wondering what is wrong with me. It seems that everyone around me is either engaged or setting a date to be married, and I don't even have a boyfriend! I have dated a few guys, but I'm always the one left wondering what went wrong. I can't help but think that it must be me. I live alone, I have a profession, I own my own car, and live in a nice apartment that's beautifully finished. People keep telling me that marriage will happen for me, but I'm not convinced. And, if it does, I'll probably be too darn old to even enjoy it! And, lastly, it makes me feel even more inadequate when my mother tells me how pretty I am, but doesn't understand why I can't find anyone. Do you have any advice? I am already seeing a therapist because I think that I'm going crazy! — At My Wits' End Amy

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear At My Wits' End Amy,

There's nothing worse than feeling like you're the odd woman out — I've been there — but dwelling on the fact that you haven't met anyone will only make things worse. Finding someone special isn't easy and it won't happen overnight. You have to endure a lot of trial and error and perhaps a few broken hearts, but most of all, you have to be patient. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, so use that to your advantage — get yourself out there and meet people! As E. Jean put it, it's a mathematical certainty that you'll meet someone if you place yourself where there are high numbers of men. Football season is about to start, so get your girls together and hit up your local pub on game day. Keep your eyes open while you're at the gym, take walks in the park after work, and Amy, don't forget to ask your friends, your friends of friends, or even your co-workers to set you up — it works sometimes, you know!

While I'm sure your mom means well, be firm and to the point when you tell her that you'd appreciate it if she'd stop with the questions and pressure. The way you feel inside is bound to show on your exterior, so as hard as it may be, you must think positively. I wish I had an answer for you as to why you haven't met "the one" yet; unfortunately, and as cliche as it may sound, it'll only happen when the timing is right. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
alexask alexask 8 years
as mentioned before, insecurities on the inside can project on the outside. you should act on the outside how you imagine yourself in your desires-married or in a steady relationship. also, i believe that if something isn't working, something has to change. change some aspect or aspects of your life relative to what you want. and of course, i hope you're not sitting at home wondering why no one finds you! good luck
looseseal looseseal 8 years
Listen to the good people here, it'll save you some therapy bills. Breathe in, breathe out. Chill. Don't be on a schedule. There's nothing more unattractive than that. Watch this: And remember not to be like the stick figure girl. So what if your life isn't a cookie cutter copy of everyone else's? Isn't that a good thing? How can you ever be "too old" to enjoy love? Haven't you ever heard of senile people getting it on in the nursing home? And I'll just leave you with that mental image. Good night.
kristyy kristyy 8 years
popgoestheworld - Ditto on your comment about the open mouth chewing thing! My roomie does that and it's disgusting. She sounds like a cow chewing grass. Even my dog doesn't open her mouth as widely when she chews. Not only that, she's a depressing person to hang out with. Everyone seems to annoy her, she's always complaining about something or someone, and of course, it never dawned on her that she's the problem. She's almost 40, yet has the maturity of a 20-yr-old sometimes. So Amy, yes, the problem is you. Stop analyzing it because you obviously haven't figured it out yet and can't see yourself. Instead, have someone (not your mother) who can be brutally honest tell you what's wrong with you. I'm pretty sure it's your personality or some annoying habit you have.
cordata cordata 8 years
I went seven years between boyfriends, not seeing anyone from my junior year of high school until a year after I finished college. It not that I didn't like anyone, it's just that I focused so much of my energy on one person who obviously was not ready for a relationship and while berating myself for not being WASPY enough for him (ugh....) I did not look for anyone else. I met my current boyfriend in a non- university related foreign language class and we hit it off immediately. I think you just can't force it. Going to bars and getting hit on by random men made me miserable and obviously I didn't meet anyone by sitting alone at home. I think the key is to find out what you are passionate about, go for those activities, and while you are doing them you will meet someone who's worthy of your time and attention. Don't lose heart and please try not to compare your dating situation to anyone else's!
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I really like AyrtonSenna's answer here. Also, if you really want a bf, you could be giving off a 'desperate' vibe. That is not a turn on for a guy. Work on your flirting and confidence. You don't need a man to be happy. And to be honest, as soon as you actually start feeling that way, men will come flocking to you. Men, like women, are attracted to confidence. Also, I agree that it is a numbers game. The more dates that you can go on, the more chance you will have of meeting a great guy. So go out on some casual dates, such as meeting for coffee. Or talk to your friends if they have any single guy friends. Then meet for a casual group thing, like dinner or drinks. Good luck to you.
AyrtonSenna AyrtonSenna 8 years
Join the club! There are a lot of people in your situation. My mother keeps making sly references to how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren. This, needless to say, does not help at all! It's not as though I can produce them out of thin air. I always just let dear mom know that I understand all of that and please don't mention it. I think the advice above is very good - just stay calm, avoid looking desperate, do not obsess over your situation, frequent places where you can meet single men, know what kind of a man you are looking for (in general terms),let your friends help you, and critically study in detail how you are presenting yourself. (Just a thought: Some perfectly wonderful women I know give off unmistakeable "stay away from me" signals in public - that is effective in warding off undesired attention but it can also dissuade some good men from approaching you.) I think you also need a confidence boost - hit the gym, buy some new clothes, go to a spa, and stay around positive friends. Good luck!
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
I have a different problem. Is it wrong to turn down men that are ugly, even though they are hitting on you? I'm single and been that way since high school. I'm just
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I was watching some talk show recently where they brought women on who had similar complaints to the poster. They video taped these people on dates and it was SO easy to see why no one ever asked them out again! In each case there was a behavior that the person was engaged in that was an undeniable turn off - and they had NO clue. I know this guy who chewed with his mouth open and made disgusting noises that he apparently wasn't aware of. He was so happy when I mentioned it to him because he would never have known otherwise. Ask a trusted friend if there is something that might be turning guys off, and promise not to get mad about the answer!
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
I used to get so pissed at people (esp. my mom) who would make comments about why I wasn't married because I was such a catch..blah, blah, blah. I went 10 years without a steady bf and was happily doing my own thing. Really, there's nothing wrong with being single and it sounds like you are very successful in your life. Don't worry about finding a bf - relax, it will happen if give yourself opportunities to do so.
mondaymoos mondaymoos 8 years
I'm naturally stand-offish and because of this, as a whole, have difficulty forming relationships with people. 9/10 of my friends' boyfriends say they thought I didn't like them at first. I'm sure it stays the same with random guys who come up to me in bars. I'm not sure if I want to change it or not, though. If sarcasm isn't your thing, I'm probably not going to be interested anyway.
NadiaPotter NadiaPotter 8 years
I'm on the same journey, I haven't got a boyfriend since I was 18 (I am 25) and yes.. it sux that people ask "aaw you're pretty, why don;t you have a BF?" but well, it is their problem, we just have to be ourselves and stand by what we are and want.
sc-cutie sc-cutie 8 years
I think the real key is knowing what you want. Until you know what you want, how will know where to go to find it?
jaxon jaxon 8 years
You might give off the air of desperation without even thinking about it... Just chill out and it will come
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i think all the analysis is making you nuts and therefore unattractive to men no one wants a desperate girl seeking a husband!
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I would go back and analyze the failed relationships. If they seemed to end out of the blue, ask yourself what you missed. Were they all the same type of guy? Do the same issues recur in all your relationships? Just check for patterns and then keep an eye out for them in future relationships.
Signs You've Found Your Soul Mate
Dealing With Grief When Your Ex Passes Away
Things That Women Appreciate
Science of "I Love You"
From Our Partners
Latest Love
All the Latest From Ryan Reynolds