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You Asked: Why Can't I Get the Guys I Want?

You Asked: Why Can't I Get the Guys I Want?

Dear Sugar,

Ever since high school, I seem to be unwillingly getting myself into this annoying cycle: I start having feelings for a guy, we become friends, and he either dates friends of mine or someone else altogether. I've had a long-term boyfriend in the past and I've dated around, but it's never been with the guys who make me fall head over heals crazy in love. I am seriously wondering what I'm doing wrong! People tell me how they notice how close I am with those specific guys, and that we'd make a great couple, and I always have to brush it off as "Oh, we're just friends!" It bothers me so much because they always compliment me and treat me so well, but I'm just never the one they want, those other girls are. I need some advice on what to do to change this bad luck. I'm 21 and I'm tired of being the good friend. I want to fall head over heals and have the feeling be reciprocated!
— Wishful Thinking Thea

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Wishful Thinking Thea,

Getting stuck in the friend zone can be incredibly frustrating so let's put our heads together and try to break the cycle. Something tells me you're comfortable in the safe area and being the girl these guys can rely on. Do you like playing that role because you've been hurt in the past? If you're afraid of rejection, keeping your feelings inside instead of taking a risk isn't going to get you where you want to be.

The next time you find yourself back in the same position, try to step up your game and flirt a little bit. These guys probably have a hard time seeing you as anything else but their friend, but if you step outside of your comfort zone, they just might see you as the girl that's looking for love. Hang in there and be patient. When the time is right, most likely when you least expect it, something will click for you. Good luck.


Marci Marci 9 years
:D :D Yes! The semicolon seems to be a mystery to many, workin9to5. :D
workin9to5 workin9to5 9 years
Haha, that isn't sad at all, popgoestheworld! I've seen other people tell Pop and some of the other Sugars about typos and grammatical errors and it makes me happy as well! And yes, Marci, apostrophes and commas are all kinds of places they're not supposed to be these days. Oh; and; semicolons. :)
Marci Marci 9 years
Good call, workin9to5. The world has gone apostrophe crazy and doesn't seem to know when or why to use them. :) I think we are seen the way we present ourselves. If you present yourselves to these guys as a girl who just wants to be friends, then that's how they see you. If you're interested in someone, change the 'friend' behavior. Flirt a little. Drop the hints.
ddene5713 ddene5713 9 years
jennifer76, that's what i was thinking too. anyway, i have TONS of guy friends but there have been a few that have changed from being just friends so you can get out of that zone. just act a little flirtier...if that's a word... or make an effort to hang out/go to movies/do something alone. not a date, just show him that you want to spend some time with just him. you can make that transition. but if you give off the "we're just friends" vibe yourself, that's all you'll ever be.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
workin9to5 you took the words right out of my mouth! Dear, I have one nitpick: the title of the post should say "Guys" not "Guy's" Just seeing you post that elevated my mood lol. How sad is that?
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Great answer from Dear! I have to think that if you're adamantly telling everybody that you're "just friends", then you are also adamantly sending those "just friends" signals to these guys. Don't be afraid to let somebody know that you want more than being friends.
Cynnie Cynnie 9 years
Simple. You concentrate on not getting the guy. You're kind of building yourself up for that kind of situation. I know that when I tell myself "oh gosh today is going to be a hard day" just because it got to a bad start, then I'll have just that "a bad day". So, I say work on yourself before going out there. You're 21, you have plenty of time to find the mr right. So give YOURSELF the time of the day.
ccsugar ccsugar 9 years
You're still young, so don't worry about it. Most women don't find the perfect man at that age! And as JLovely said, stop looking. The BEST boyfriends I have had I found when I wasn't even paying attention, or looking, they all happened by chance. Just hang in there and be patient!
JLovely84 JLovely84 9 years
Stop's that simple. The reason why you get upset is because you set yourself up to like these guys. If you just be yourself and stop looking for love, love will find you.
workin9to5 workin9to5 9 years
Great answer, Dear. Also, 21 is still young, so you have time. I only met my first (and only) "It" guy at 20. Be patient, and like Dear says, get out of that comfort zone. And try to look beyond your guy friends. Smile at hot guys on the street, talk to that cute guy in your building you've always been shy around, and do other things you normally wouldn't do. Be a little bolder. It'll happen. Dear, I have one nitpick: the title of the post should say "Guys" not "Guy's"
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