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You Asked: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

You Asked: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Dear Sugar,

I have a somewhat unique problem. While I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and know that he loves me in return, my parents don't approve of him. There has never been a falling out between them, and I still don't have a clear understanding as to why they dislike him; they just tell me to trust them because they "know best." My parents demanded that I break up with him, which I did for a while, until I realized how miserable I was without him.

We are now back together but my parents are in the dark about it. I feel sick inside knowing that I am betraying them, but then again, I'm thrilled to have this amazing guy who loves me more than I had ever imagined. I want everyone to get along, but I don't know how to make that happen — my parents are incredibly stubborn. Do you have any advice? — Torn Tory

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Torn Tory,

Your parents having such strong feelings about you not being with this man raises a few red flags to me. While I don't doubt the fact that your boyfriend loves you, I'm left assuming that your parents know something you don't and they are simply trying to protect you. Since you don't have a clear understanding as to where they are coming from, a talk is definitely in order.

Ask your parents to be honest with you so you can get to the bottom of this once and for all, but remember that you'll have to be honest with them too, and that means coming clean about being back together. If they don't have a good reason why you shouldn't be together, explain to them why it's so important to you that they back off. Your happiness is what matters here so if this is all about a clashing of personalities, hopefully in time they'll be able to come to a middle ground. However, if your parents do have evidence to back up their ill will for this man, listen to what they have to say. Your parents might be older and wiser, but at the end of the day, the choice is ultimately up to you. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
karlorene karlorene 8 years
trust me, you aren't alone in this. i think you need to evaluate your relationship: Is this the person you can't live without? Do you see yourself marrying him, and will it be worth it, despite the family issues it might cause? Even though your parents want the best for you, they might just be stubborn and no guy will ever be good enough to please them
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
Same situation with my parents, her boyfriend and her. They just got engaged so I wonder what my parents will think...
Lanfear Lanfear 8 years
OK I agree with what the other commenters said so I'll not repeat it I just wanted to comment on the first thing that came to my mind: How naive are you to think that "my parents don't like my boyfriend" is in any way a "unique" problem?
Athena123987 Athena123987 8 years
I don't know that the asker's parents know something she doesn't; some parents just think they get to decide these things. My parents don't like my boyfriend too much, even after three and a half years. After I pressed them for their reasons, they told me that he isn't who they imagined me dating; he's from a poor family, is the first person in his family to go to college, etc. No matter how well he is doing in school, no matter how wonderfully he treats me, he will never been the handsome trust fund baby my mom had imagined or the nobel prize winner my dad had in mind. After some intense thought, I know that he is a great match for me and that he makes me happy, and I have chosen to disregard my parents' request that I wait to meet someone "more like me" in grad school. I think 'torn tory' should make sure that her parents aren't objecting because they think their life goals or priorities (ex: money habits) are incompatible, and that she is happy with him. However, if she can tell those aren't the reasons, and if her parents can't justify their attitude, they need to butt out.
hope2be hope2be 8 years
How old are you anyway. Is age a factor in this whole thing? I think there's gotta be more to this story. Anyhow, talk to your parents, ask them WHY they don't like your bf and to give you the specifics (not just intuition). If they won't do it, it's either they think you're too dumb/immature/childish to process their reasons, which is kind of bs or there's some deep dark secrets (like you two secretly are half bro-and sis type) that they're too ashamed to divulge. Give a friendly 'threat' that until they give you the reasons on why they don't think he's a good guy for you, you will keep seeing your bf. :p
thepradaprincess thepradaprincess 8 years
Ask your parents why they don't like him and if they won't tell you just let them know that unless they have a good reason your going to stay with him and they can keep their opinions to themselves.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
I would laugh at someone giving me orders about my love life. Hack!
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
My parents don't have any problem telling me what they don't like about my bf's so I have never been in this situation. You have to do what makes you happy. Have a frank talk with your parents about what it is they do not like about this guy. It might be an eye opener. My parents have been right about all my bf's and they saw all the losers coming from miles away.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Hmm, depends, ask them what they don't like about them, and try to understand if there's something about them they don't like. It just seems weird that parent's wouldn't like someone without actually sharing evidence. They tend to actually tell yo they don't like your significant other because of a specific reason. Anyway, in the end, it's your happiness, not theirs. If you moved to another state and saw someone, then what? You can't be with that person and you're unhappy while they're fine? Sometimes it seems like parents have to choose your mate for you, and well, that's not always fun. They're not the ones marrying your mate, you are. Consider their opinions/objections, but make your own decision, you don't need their ultimate approval to be happy, as valuable as it may be. Take it this way, you need their approval to be happy, but you don't need their approval to be miserable? Anyway, we're all adults, we have to make our own decisions and not be totally afraid of others knowing.
melizzle melizzle 8 years
I feel like there's much more to this story.
Myst Myst 8 years
Myst Myst 8 years
I'm going to assume that you're young and still living with the parents and/or it's a cultural thing. However if you are an adult, you should be in control of your own love life. Let your parents know that they can not interfere and unless they can give your sound proof of why they have a serious problem with him, then to let your decide and if it turns out to be a mistake, at least it was your decisions not theres.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
are they unhappy about every guy you date (or is this your first boyfriend)?? if so, then maybe they just don't want you to date AT ALL and therefore you will never please them are they still attached to your ex or have another boy in mind that they would prefer you to be with? if so, then maybe they just don't like this guy because he's not who they would choose for you. if this isn't the case, and they just hate this particular boy and just won't tell you why, then there's definitely an issue. like dear said, you need to talk to them. maybe they know something you don't know and they're trying to protect you. tell them you want the HONEST truth and without it, you just will never understand their position on this. if they can't tell you the honest truth about why they "know best" then just live your life. but if someone really has such strong feelings against your boyfriend then you really have some searching to do. if you feel the love, maybe he's a really good liar and you're just blinded by love, and there's a deeper issue.
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