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You Asked: Why Do I Constantly Think About Him?

Dear Sugar,

Last Summer I broke up with my boyfriend, who I was with for six years. The first year into our relationship was great, but soon after that he started cheating on me. I did not find out until months later because we were having a long-distance relationship for three out of the six years. I really loved him, he was my first boyfriend, and I was already thinking about a future together, but he just wasn't as ready as I was. I started to see that besides our constant troubles of his relations with other girls, we were on totally different levels as to what we wanted from our relationship. In our last months as a couple, the romance was completely gone, we didn't do anything with each other anymore, and we basically lived together like friends. When I asked him if he wanted to break up with me, he said it didn't matter. I then met this other guy whom I adored so much, and I finally had the courage to break up with my boyfriend.

He did not take it well at all, so there was turmoil for about four months after, while I was starting my relationship with the "new" guy. After six months with him, I broke it off because I constantly found myself thinking about my first boyfriend. At times I am mad because of all the heartbreaks he caused me, but other times I really miss the good times we had. He was a really sweet guy, amazing to me, but when we were apart he would cheat. I have no regular contact with him (maybe once every two months) but I'm still jealous when I hear stories about him and other girls. I still love him, but I don't want to be with him again. I believe that I'm still not completely over him but I do want to be. Can you help me out of this? — Stuck in the Past Patty

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Stuck in the Past Patty,

It's pretty clear from your letter that you aren't over your ex. Since you jumped right into a new relationship before you were even fully broken up with your ex, it doesn't surprise me that you're still harboring feelings for him. Getting over someone you cared for and were with for as long as you were will not happen over night, but unfortunately the only way you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else is if you put him in the past.

I'm glad to hear that you have minimal contact with him, and while it's only natural to miss the good times and forget about the bad, they still exist. Perhaps you should scroll up and re-read the beginning of your note. He cheated on you, he wasn't as ready as you were to further your relationship, and he didn't seem to have any sorrow about the possibility of breaking up. Since he was your first boyfriend, you will probably always have a special place in your heart from him, but I think we both know it's time to leave him in the past. You deserve to be with someone who possesses all the good qualities that you saw in him without the unfaithfulness and dishonesty. Be strong, lean on your friends and family for support, talk about how you feel, and with time, I have faith that you'll be able to move past this relationship. I wish you luck.


Join The Conversation
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 9 years
RockAndRepublic, that's exactly what I was thinking. Patty, you need to start seeing the relationship for what it really was instead of this delusion of first-time puppy love. He cheated on you constantly, yet you claim he was "sweet" and "amazing"!!?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? How could he claim to love you and then have his hands all over other girls as soon as you weren't looking? Does that make any sense to you?! And not only was he playing hackey-sack with your heart, he put you at risk for STDs for six years straight! His behavior was NOT OKAY, and you need to realize this and get some self-respect before you can move on, or else you'll end up stuck in a pattern of abusive relationships for the rest of your life. Men treat you the way you allow them to treat you. The only way to get respect is to demand nothing less.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Stop romanticizing what you consider good about your relationship. He disrespected you and no 'happy' moment could ever make up for that.
lily8206 lily8206 9 years
Time is the main factor but I a big step to help move the process along is to surround yourself with fun people and activities and hobbies then you will eventually be too busy to think much about him.
alltherage alltherage 9 years
wow. this is so what im giong thru now. i was in a 31/2 year realtionship its been a year and half since. i still think about thim though he treated me badly and i know im better without him. i think its just like a scar. it never goes away but u learn to deal with in and in time find joy in other things.
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
i was in a relationship for 7 years.... 7 years has passed sence our breakup. i still miss him dearly.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
he was your first, so he'll always have a special place in your heart. but relationships have foundations and the one with him was not strong enough to support a long term commitment. it just takes time. the happy times with your ex are nice to have as memories, but there is a reason he is your ex. remember, looking back makes it easy to miss seeing what is right in front of you. give your new life a real try.
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 9 years
Oops, supposed to be "I still think about the good times we had." Long response, too, sorry.
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 9 years
I totally agree with megln. Sometimes it just takes A LOT of time. I broke up with my boyfriend whom I lived with for three years and he cheated on me over and over again. We still hang around the same people, though I haven't seen him in a few months since he's been out of the country, which helped me get over the break-up a lot more knowing that I wouldn't see him around. I am not looking forward to seeing him out. It's going to be extremely hard. I still good times we had, and we had a lot, but immediately remember there were more bad times than good. This helps a lot. Like once I got a pot of boiling hot water poured on my arm because I wasn't "cooking shells and cheese fast enough" when he came home drunk at 5 am. Just know that there's always someone else out there! Find someone to be interested in, even if it's just a crush! It will definitely help you get over your ex easier and a lot of times meeting someone new will help you realize even more why you don't want to be with your ex. I had a crush on this guy at my work and it gave me motivation to look better at work, smile more, be more outgoing, and eventually we started seeing each other a bit. Every day I realize my ex was a terrible boyfriend when I see the good things in the new guy. Sometimes I have to remember that other people go through the same pains and heartaches of relationships as I do, and that everyone eventually will get over it and move on. Good luck.
mlen mlen 9 years
it takes time. sometimes lots of time. when you remember the good stuff, remind yourself of the bad. everytime a good memory pops into your head, equate it with something bad he did. you have to keep reminding yourself why you broke up in the first place. it might not ever be easy to see him. i still love my first ex- and even now, 2 years later, seeing him would be hard, and seeing him with another girl would be extremely hard BUT i also know that i don't want him back, i don't need him back, and i'm better off without him. so instead of wasting energy thinking of him, i am wasting energy flirting with other guys! its a lot more fun that way trust me. and there will come a point when something flips in you and you realize you are ok and ready to date someone new!
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