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You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

Dear Sugar,

After coming back from college, I decided to move in with my grandma while I continued my graduate degree. At the time, it seemed like a great move: My grandpa had recently passed away, my grandma needed some company, the college I was attending was nearby, and I had landed a job right near her. Now, two years later, I have finished grad school, and my boyfriend and I have decided to take our relationship to the next level. We've started to look for apartments and plan on moving in together, but I'm having a really hard time breaking the news to my grandma. I feel guilty leaving her alone, and she has voiced on several occasions (after hearing about other family members moving in with their boyfriends) that she opposes couples living together before marriage. I am 24 years old and am definitely ready to move on, so how do I break this news without hurting her? Would it be so bad to fib about the boyfriend being involved in the move? — Cautious Cassandra

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Dear Cautious Cassandra,

While I completely understand the guilt you must feel over the idea of leaving your grandma alone, it's important for you to move on with your life and your relationship. Since she's no doubt grown very accustomed to living with you, when you do break the news, let her know that you plan on visiting her as often as you can and do everything in your power to follow through with that promise.

Now about not telling her that you're moving in with your boyfriend . . . if you anticipate her ever coming over to visit you, it won't take long for her to realize that you lied, but if she tends to stay home and wait for you to visit her, you could just leave your boyfriend out of the moving equation all together. What she won't know won't hurt her right?

Since I don't know how close your grandma is to your other family members who are bound to know the truth about your living situation, it might behoove you to just be honest with her from the start, even if it does upset her. Our grandparents' generation has very different beliefs on many things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she won't understand. At the end of the day, you know how much your grandma can stomach, so trust your instincts and tell her what you feel comfortable sharing. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
It's your life. Unless your grandma is a bitch she's going to be quiet about it. She might say something about it but just explain your side of things. You definitely didn't make the wrong choice to begin with. Maybe it's time you move on though and she should understand.
courtneyh courtneyh 9 years
for me personally, i would never leave my grandma to live alone if my grandpa died. my advice however is that you are 24 and it is your own life to live. i just hope the guilt doesn't eat you alive like it would for me!
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
Tell her the truth, move out, and keep in touch with her as much as possible. She may not like what you do, but it's your choice to make and you can't stop living your life just because she won't fully approve.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
OMG you are right Muirnea.... To the poster: just tell her that you will come and visit her ..
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
I just have to say that the younger girl in the picture reminds me of Hilary Swank...something about the eyes and maybe the mouth, lol lol.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
I'm so tired of the questions on here where the OP wants us all to agree that it's okay to lie! Especially since it's almost always to a loved one! You don't have to drop the bomb on her all at once. She'll probably figure it out sooner or later, whether you tell her or not, so if you lie, you'll just look even worse. Seriously, no more "It's okay to be a liar, right?" questions.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
If you lie to her that you're moving out by yourself, wouldn't grandma feel more unwanted because it looks like you're moving out for no other reason than to get away from her? Just tell the truth. Old fashioned grandmas may not like their granddaughters moving in with guys, but you know what they like even less? Granddaughters who don't have a maaan (at least that's the way it is with my grandma).
cjmara805 cjmara805 9 years
The ones in your family who lived with a man before marriage, she still loves them right? She got over it, and she'll get over it with you. Make sure to spend time with her, and bring your boyfriend sometimes too! If he's a polite young man, she'll accept him. Also, he can do "manly" things around the house for her like easy handyman things (fixing the leaky sink) and he'll win her over in no time.
Sporky Sporky 9 years
I come from a strict Roman Catholic family and have lived with 4 different men in my life, trust me, she'll get over it. Don't lie to her; it'll just be worse if she finds out.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
I know how tricky this is because my parents have the same views about couples living together before they're married. My older brothers had to endure a bit of tension resulting from moving in with their girlfriends (who later because their wives) - but after a few months the 'rents got 'used' to the idea and simple accepted their choices. The fact is, you're not a bad person for wanting to live with your boyfriend - and you have to voice your beliefs to her (in a nice way) instead of lying to her just to please her (which I think is worse). You're just going to have to accept that it might be a bit awkward for a while. As for moving out, you're 24 and you're ready for your own place - just do it!
jaxon jaxon 9 years
Hey I understand Grandma guilt. But you should not lie. Like you said, you are 24 so act like it. She loves you and understand today people are different. I had to tell my grandma I was pregnant at 21 and unmarried. She of course being old school was upset but she got over it.
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