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You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Terrible?

Dear Sugar,

After seven years of dating my boyfriend, I broke up with him. I had known in my heart for a while that I couldn't marry him and I had been very unhappy for a long time. Among many other problems, I felt that he wasn't attentive enough. He tried in his way, but I was left lonely and miserable. My friends and family, seeing my loneliness, constantly told me I could do better and were probably tired of my complaining (I know I was).

Our main contact was daily phone calls. He was one of the first people I called when anything happened. We talked when we were bored and just to hear the other's voice, but toward the end, I avoided him at all costs. So my question is this: Why do I feel so awful? I was fine immediately after the breakup — I knew I had to do it — but now I'm a wreck. I have been crying for days now. I feel terrible about breaking his heart and about my passive-aggressive treatment toward him for the last six months. I guess it comes down to the fact that we were best friends but terrible lovers, but I still can't help feeling a loss. Any suggestions? — Dumped Him Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Dumped Him Heidi,

Breakups are hard no matter who initiated the split, and they are usually accompanied by feelings of guilt, loss, confusion, loneliness, and sadness. You two were together for a really long time, so instead of being so hard on yourself, take a step back and realize that moving on and letting go of the past seven years of your life isn't going to happen overnight.

It sounds to me like your relationship was more about friendship and companionship than romance, but losing a friend can often be even harder than losing a lover. As with all things, time will help heal your sadness. While I don't doubt that you loved him, it's pretty clear that you did the right thing by ending it — you'd be doing him a disservice by staying together only to break up later down the road.

The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself right now. Lean on your friends and family for support and most importantly, realize that you did what was right for you. Hopefully once the dust settles, you two can be friends, but for right now, do whatever it takes to mourn the loss of your relationship so you can put it behind you sooner rather than later — you deserve to be happy and loved in a relationship, not miserable and lonely.


Join The Conversation
gummiber gummiber 5 years
I was so heartbroken over this one guy. One day he just told me that things weren’t working out and he broke up with me. I cried all night long. All I wanted was to talk to him, I called over and over again and send tons of text messages. but After i contacted this spell caster i told him my problem and he helped me out,and then i now know why everything I tried to get him back failed.It didn’t take much time to get my ex back! all it is contacting the right person, i want to thank the,Thanks for helping me out.
cindyc78 cindyc78 8 years
I am going through the same situation as you, except you have been with your ex for seven years and that is a lot of time with someone. Me on the other hand, I just broke up my friendship/relationship (not sure and that was the problem) with my ex just 5 days ago and we were only together for 6 months. It does really hurt, especially since I feel that I was the one that didn't give it a chance and was rushing a situation. I really want to call him back and make amends but I think the damage has been done. So, right now, I feel so bad because for the little time that I've known him, I miss him a lot. We've had plenty of laughter together and shared information between each other, but I just wanted a little more and was just confused about our relationship. I just want to let you know, I can understand some of the pain you are feeling and let you know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, life tosses us a curve ball we don't expect and this becomes the end result, but in due time we our hearts will heal. **Big Hug**
heidi-girl heidi-girl 8 years
wow, 7 years. your a strong woman, i know many people who would have just stayed in the relationship because of how much they already invested. of course at first it's going to be hard because of how comfortable you were with each other and he was your confidant, but in the end everything will work out for the better.
laura_j laura_j 8 years
I wish I could just give people hugs over the internet :( I couldn't say it any better than the ladies already have. 7 years is a LONG time! It's a substantial portion of your life, however when not only are you losing a companion but its probably a lifestyle change too. I don't mean to be repetitive of what others say, but honestly, keeping busy is imperative.. who wants to be sitting at home, alone, crying and feeling awful? We've all been there, laying in bed and listening to some irrelevant song and just crying your face off until you've cried yourself stupid and then you're emotionally drained. (maybe this is just me?!).. but don't turn down any invitation.. sign up for some beach volleyball (or some sort of fun, co-ed sport) and then enjoy the new challenge or something.. If you know in your heart that it was the best thing for you, it shouldn't take long to shake the funk off. Relationships should be 2 people working toward a common goal, and if you weren't feeling like it was the right thing.. It may not be now, or in 2 weeks, or 2 months, but ultimately you will be much happier in the end. Try and keep that in mind, and cheer up buttercup :)
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Hon, you could have been describing MY last relationship - it ended a few months ago, but we were best friends - more like siblings than lovers, we had real issues in the bedroom. I went through a horrible period just like you're going through now. Allow yourself to feel this way - it's like someone has died, honestly - someone you spoke with every day and depended on! I strongly, strongly recommend seeing a therapist once a week just to talk. It helped me SO much to clear out the irrational thoughts I was having, and to let go - and also to have someone sympathetic to talk with, since after my relationship ended I had no close friends to talk to about it, and my family lives across the country and doesn't want to hear it anyway. It's CRUCIAL you have someone to talk to, to replace him. If I did it, having absolutely NOBODY else to lean on, then you definitely can do it! And time heals all wounds...
designerel designerel 8 years
It's natural to feel that way. You guys were together a really long time and he was a big part of your life. The important thing to remember here is you made the right decision-- you weren't happy in the relationship, and it's not fair to your ex to stay with him if you're not happy. You are both better off in the end-- both of you deserve to be incredibly happy in your relationships. It will get better over time, no worries.
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
I had a very serious boyfriend - it was much shorter than your relationship - mine was only one and half years long - But when we broke up, I realized that I had been lonely for a year and a half. I had been neglected and not supported for a year and a half. It had not been right for a YEAR AND A HALF. And I think a lot of my heartbreak after the breakup was mourning that time that I was so unhappy and didn't do anything about it.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
when i broke up with my first bf i went thru this. we were together...basically grew up together..high school and mid-college (when we broke up) i lost all my friends, isolated myself, started binge drinking, gained weight...oh it was marvelous. i realized that i never LOVED HIM, i was DEPENDENT on him as people are on drugs, i was going thru withdrawal. it wasn't easy, so i'm not going to BS you, today, i know i'm in love but when we're on the verge of a fake-up i ask myself if i have those feelings again ...
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
I felt the same exact way when I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. He even said to me when I was breaking up with him 'Do you see me more as a best friend?' and I felt terrible. I still live with the guilt of breaking his heart, especially someone who was such a close friend to me in so many ways. But I do agree that it was ultimately the best thing to do for myself and him as well. Its also not fair for me to string him along when I knew things would never be.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
i think feeling a loss is normal. you were together for 7 years and the good and bad memories are going to stay with you. thats a long time to just get over right away. you feel a loss because you kind of know things won't be the same anymore. i had a boyfriend for 4 years and when i was away at school we grew apart and i did something similar. at first i was okay but after awhile it hit me hard. i knew at the time that it was the right thing to do and i still do but its been 5 years now. we are still friends but I do think about it all the time still. it's a healing process and you'll have your good and bad days but the bad days will dwindle over time. you did a good thing and you followed your heart. if you stayed with him you would only be prolonging the heartbreak for both of you. stay busy and do things that make you happy otherwise you will just be alone in your thoughts and at this point in time that is not a good thing for you
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