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You Asked: Why Do I Keep Giving In?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating this guy on and off since January. One day everything seems great and all is well and then we won't speak for a week or so. He will randomly text me or call me on the rare occasion, and after putting up with it for a while, I told myself I was done with his cat-and-mouse game. He never seems to make the effort and I'm tired of having to pick up the loose pieces. I brush it off time and again, but deep down I know that I want more than what he is willing to give me so instead of ignoring his calls and messages, I reply. I deleted his number, and a week later put it back into my phone. He has made it blatantly clear that he "likes me a lot," but he's not ready for a relationship.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to push him out of my life, there's just something there that makes me give into his will. I am a fairly strong person and can stand on my own two feet, but something about this guy makes me weak. How do I either, a.) shut him out of my life and move on or b.) keep going with my routine, and convince him to be with me? — Pushed Over Ollie

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Pushed Over Ollie,

First thing's first: are you holding onto this guy because you truly have feelings for him or because you're enjoying the cat-and-mouse game as well? I think a lot of women in similar situations as you find that they're attracted to the idea of "changing" the guy and winning over his heart, but at the end of the day, Ollie, you have to ask yourself if this guy is capable of ever being in a relationship with you. It sounds as though he likes you, but sometimes that's just not good enough.

Since you've constantly taken him back after he pulls his Houdini stunts, he believes that he can continue on that path so I advise you to break the cycle ASAP — if he doesn't have to suffer any consequences, why would he change? In the meantime, try not to focus all your attention on him; go out with your girlfriends and meet other guys. Though I understand the desire to make him see how wonderful and great you are, convincing him to feel a certain way won't work — trust me — so if a little distance doesn't do the trick that'll be your cue to shut him out once and for all. You're a lot stronger than you think you are so keep reminding yourself that there's someone out there who will care for you the same way you care for him, this guy just might not be him. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
angiebaby23 angiebaby23 9 years
OMG!!! we must have been seeing the same guy!!!! when i read this post i was like this is totally me!!, i was seeing this guy since January too and he played the cat and mouse game with me. i really wish that i would have stopped seeing him along time ago, but he was like a drug to me, i delete his number and i would say to myself "that's it!! I'm done with this loser!!!", but after a week of not talking he would text me "i miss you" and such and then i would act hard at first but fall back into the cycle, and then a week later i was upset and sad and crying over something else. Everyone i knew told me that i needed to stop seeing him, i was just a booty call but i couldn't, i hung onto all his talks about the future and how much he said he loved me and this and that, i would even try to avoid telling people that me and him were talking yet again because i didn't want to hear them tell me how stupid i was. he called me when he wanted me and he would make plans with me and stand me up all the time, i really was stupid. He stopped talking to me, and it hurts cuz I'm going through a withdrawal, but i know it is good for me. i don't need him in my life. it just sux cuz i feel like it all ended and I'm the one that feels stupid.
The-Drunk-Lady The-Drunk-Lady 9 years
I've been through the same thing and it never worked. My guy friend had an old FB situation just like yours. She was the weak doormat at his beck and call. I was also a doormat in previous relationships. He said he told her upfront he didn't want a relationship, other then sex. She was always available and changed her plans when he called. She was the one that initiated 90% of the calls. Even though she knew a LTR wasn't possible. She tried the, "I can convince him, by showing him what a "catch" I am.; If I'm fantastic sexually, he'll want me forever." She would even nag him into taking her out. It was never his idea to take her out. He didn't respect her because she didn't stick up for herself. He saw her as weak. He said she must have been fine with the arrangement. He broke it off with her and moved on to another woman. His now gf, stands up to him. He respects this one. I love it when she stands up to him. I've done parts of the above story. I did most of the calling. I would subtly try to convince him I was a catch. I definitely had no self-respect and I, obviously, was desperate. Respect yourself and your feelings. I'm sure you can have a relationship with someone who values you.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I'm telling you right now that you will never be able to 'convince him to be with you'. And why, for the love of god, would you even want to try to do that? If he wanted to truly be with you, he would. And I agree with Dearsugar: he is acting this way because you are allowing him to do so. Basically, he is using you for sex and whatever else you give him whenever HE feels like it. You have made it clear to him that he can ignore you and treat you like a doormat and you will put up with him. I think the real issue here is the fact that you don't truly respect yourself enough to think that you deserve someone better than him. I think you need to work on your self-esteem issues and consider counselling. He is not ready for a relationship is guy code for "I want to hang out with you, fuck you, but not have any of the responsibility of treating you with respect or like a girlfriend." Why would you even put up with this jackass?????
dabbin dabbin 9 years
You don't need to be wasting your time on someone that's playing around with you like that. I know it'll be hard to move on but in the end it'll actually be worth it because you'll meet someone truly better for you, someone that will treat you as your deserve.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
"He has made it blatantly clear that he "likes me a lot," but he's not ready for a relationship." Okay, there's a part of you that knows the truth about him. You may not like the truth, but it benefits you to accept the truth (even though you don't like it). The fact is the truth is bigger than you, and it doesn't care whether you like it or not. It is what it is. Consider this: I don't like earthquakes. The truth is they naturally occur, in spite of my disliking them. So I better accept that earthquakes occur (even though I don't like them), and know some safety measures, or else I will suffer. Once you accept the undesirable truth about him, ask yourself this: Is his treatment good enough? If it is, carry on. If it's not, put distance between you two, as you find his treatment unacceptable. Once you made the right choice for yourself, stick to it.
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
I have to agree with everyone else. It doesn't seem like there is much here for you to look forward to. It sucks but at least you see it. Now comes the hard part. DO NOT no matetr how much you want to call him, or answer his calls or text him or e-mail him. If after a while he is still calling and youthink you can stand strong answer him and tell him exactly why you don't respond to him. Let him know you have respect for yourself and eh obviously has none for you. If he's the guy I think he is he'll write you off as another crazy chick, but that's to your benefit. Once he's out of your life for good you will have room for someone decent to come in and you can be happy. If on the off chance he really is a nice guy and he just happens to be clueless then I'm sure he will apologize to you and ask for you to forgive his pig-ish ways. If so think about it. If he's ready to really head into things you'll know
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
You are his booty call. He likes you a lot sexually but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you for one reason or another. He's using you until he can find a woman he wants to be with. Delete his number, forget he exists and tell him to stop calling and texting. He's not worth your time.
mtothawhat mtothawhat 9 years
Wow I was in the exact situation as you 2 or so years ago. Trust me when I say this, MOVE ON. DELETE HIS NUMBER. If your cell phone contract is close to ending consider getting a new number, that way you won't hear from him. This guy is nothing but a waste of time. I dated a guy like this and to this day I wonder wth I was thinking. I got a new number and life's been easier since. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? You deserve someone who will give that to you. He's never going to change and you have to accept that. I mean, you could go ahead and have a talk with him but he's already told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you. There's so many other guys out there, don't waste another moment of uncertainty and potential happiness on this one. Good luck!
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
It's Tuesday, and you're breaking me in . . . He doesn't like you. He likes that he can call you up, at random, and you come skipping on down. You screw, and you're probably VERY generous during sex because you want him to stick around. The truth is, cooch is cooch. You're a convenience. And even if he did like you, he would never commit to a girl with no standards or self respect. You are at the point where you have realized the insanity, but like a donkey, you're playing the game. It's natural, plenty of girls do this. But you need a kick in the head! 1. Delete his number. when he calls DON'T ANSWER 2. Stop hooking up with guys in hopes that he's gonna become your loving boyfriend. This is life, not high school. 3. Be honest with yourself. If you know you want a relationship and a guy you're foolin' with doesn't, MOVE ON. 4. Stop allowing guys to use you as a jump-off. It's tacky! cut this guy off. go cold turkey. It's gonna be rough, like heroin. Sweat it out! Get over it. Suck it up.
BlueKitten BlueKitten 9 years
Jeebus, are you my little sister? Because she's going through the same nonsense right now, and for the life of me, I can't understand why she puts herself through this drama. I'll reiterate what others have said: This dude is not worth the time you're wasting on him. Move on and find someone who will appreciate you.
cordata cordata 9 years
Oh Gatito, thank goodness you got out of that relationship. It's easy to say to "move on, find someone else" but it's an entirely different thing to actually want to do it. There has definitely been a guy in my life whom I wanted things to work out with so much that I ignored all of his bad behavior and ambivalence while constantly wondering "what doesn't he like about me?" and "Why doesn't he want me as much as I want him?" I wasted way too much time thinking about him when it's obvious he wasn't thinking about me. There were a million better guys out there, but for some reason, I just wanted HIM. I think getting down to the reason why this particular guy is so important to you may be the key to understanding how you let yourself get so emotionally attached. PS. "I like you a lot" without any follow up is the kiss of death.
zawackirz zawackirz 9 years
I guess each situation is different. I think designnicole's story is a good way to handle it. I think being up front is the best way to handle it and if he's not ready for a relationship, find someone who is. Its hard when matters of the heart are involved. I'm trying to end a friends with benefits situation and I always call him when I'm drinking...bad bad habit that I'm trying to break. Good luck!
gigill gigill 9 years
My advice? Find an awesome guy instead. He'll make this loser pale in comparison and you'll wonder why you wasted your time. They say the easiest way to get over somebody is to find somebody else, and in some cases (like this one!) I think it's totally true. Do it for yourself!
Gatito Gatito 9 years
I wasted a total of five years with a guy that was exactly like this. After an exhausiting battle of tug-of-war, he finally gave in at about the 2.5 year mark. The remaining two years of our cohabitation was a constant power struggle. It ended with him moving on to another woman and kicking me out of the home we shared. It dragged on for another six months with him playing the "who do I choose" game. In the end, he told me that he never had the intention of pursuing a long-term future with me. Yes, I'm bitter! My advice is to get out while you can. You won't change this guy and you don't want to wake up five years from now and have missed countless opportunities to be happy.
Fallen85 Fallen85 9 years
This guy is such a waste of time. You're his lap dog and his booty call. He TOLD you he doesnt want a relationship! Simple. Move On. Right now he is using you. He calls you when he wants to see you, you jump at the chance and he ignores you if he doenst want to see you. He is playing with you over and over again and nothing changes. Yet, you completely allow it at jump whenever he tells you to. Get some respect for yourself and stop talking to this guy! The next time he calls tell him you're no longer interested in him and that he should lose your number. He is totally disrespecting you and why should he? You dont even respect yourself. Grow a backbone and tell this loser to hit the road. Why waste time with him when you could be finding someone who actually appreciates and respects you?
zabrow zabrow 9 years
why would you want to be with someone if you have to convice them to want to be with you? there will be a guy who will come along & he'll chase YOU & make it very clear that he wants to be with you. there's no need to waste your time chasing after someone who's told you explicitly that he doesn't want a relationship. the sooner you cut ties with him, the sooner you'll make yourself available for someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
I experienced a similar situation and totally agree w/ designnicole. You should put your foot down and tell him as how it is. sometimes guys just need a lil bit push. If he is not up for it, you are better off finding someone who will cherish you.
Melo-D Melo-D 9 years
You need to move on. He told you he doesn't want a relationship. You won't change something you tolerate. So stop tolerating this behavior and move on. You can't make him want to be with you. What's so great about that anyway? You should want someone who WANTS to be with you. Sounds to me he's getting all the perks of being with you without being with you. You have to walk away and be upfront. If you can't handle it, then tell him you can't and walk away. Easier said then done, I know but until something changes, you'll be stuck.
designnicole designnicole 9 years
When I first met my boyfriend we started off seeing each other about once a week. The date always went really well and I started to feel confused about what was actually going on between us. About two months into the "relationship" it was my birthday, and I didn't hear anything from him for the couple of days before and after the day. That is when I took a stand and decided that I was not going to carry on seeing him like that even though I really enjoyed all the times that we were together. I just decided that I deserved more. I sent him a text message saying something along the lines of - if I was either his friend or his girlfriend I would have at least heard from him on my birthday and because i did not it must be safe to assume that I am neither. After that our relationship changed completely and we have been together, very happily for nearly two years now. We see each other every day and call and text several times daily -Basically the way it should be in a loving relationship. It could have gone the other way too- but at least then I would have been standing up for myself and really, who wants to stay in a one sided relationship anyway? Good luck. I hope you will be happy
fantome14 fantome14 9 years
I agree with Dear Sugar. Many of us think we can change a man, but it never works. And why want a man that you have to change? I think people should be wanted as they are or not at all. Since he can't give you what you want as he is, move on.
Sporky Sporky 9 years
I say move on. Obviously you're both on different pages. Why put yourself through this?
jaxon jaxon 9 years
When I saw your post I jumped at it! I am in the same boat with my daughter's dad. I keep giving in when I know I shouldn't My only advice is stay strong... and don't let him guilt you (that what DD does to me when I ignore him and try to move on)
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