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You Asked: Why Doesn't He Want Me to Come Out With His Friends?

You Asked: Why Doesn't He Want Me to Come Out With His Friends?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months. We have a great relationship and one I don't want to give up on. The issue is this: I always include him with my social outings but he has yet to include me with any of his. I am a social person and he is more of a home-body, but when he does go out with his friends, he never includes me. I want to meld the two worlds together (my friends and his friends), but still maintain a balance of our own personal time with our own friends. I have mentioned all of this to him before and no actions have been taken to include me.

I'm so confused and feel that having this separation is causing me to have trust issues since I only know one of his friends (his roommate). I am not a controlling person, I feel as though I'm a ghost in his world. Do you have any words of advice?
— Left in the Dust Danielle

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear Left in the Dust Danielle,

The fact that you only know one of your boyfriend's friends and you've been together almost a year is a big red flag to me. It seems as though he's deliberately trying to keep his personal life separate from his life with you, which leads me to believe that he's hiding something. I'm glad to hear that you've voiced your concern, but what does he say in return? I don't blame you for developing trust issues so I advise you to readdress the subject once again.

Perhaps you could suggest organizing a get together with both sets of your friends so they can all finally meet each other. Or see if he will compromise and bring you out with him every few times he's with his friends. The company you keep says a lot about who you are so I'd get to the bottom of this ASAP. Trust your gut Danielle and listen to your intuition about this guy. Good luck to you.

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BABESTINGRAYS BABESTINGRAYS 7 years
Known each other for 7 years, we got married last year. I've me his friends many time for the past 5-6 years, they are girls and guys. We hang out some time. I get along with them normally. He says he wants to meet him friends alone sometimes because they are friends for more than 10 years and they may be ucomfortable discussing some old things or somethings that may bother me (like cultural/religious) difference we have since I'm not the same religious as them.. Now thats he's married should he continue to have some occassional catch up time (with out me)? Or should once married we should meet our friends together. specially if they are women friends. Please help me understand and get this in perspective.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 9 years
Guys like their own time, and sometimes, their friends don't like them to bring their girlfriends around all the time. I was sort of hurt when my boyfriend would always purposely not invite me over or even let me come over when he knew his friends would be there. But he explained that his friends wouldn't want me hanging around all the time, and they would be less interested in hanging out with him if he was always pushing his personal life in their faces (They're all single). I say, give him space because he might be feeling the same as my boyfriend. HOWEVER, if he hasn't even formally introduced you to all his friends...That's fishy, and you have a right to make him take action.
kiwishe kiwishe 9 years
I'd like to know what's going on with this guy too! Have you ever followed him? My boyfriend of a YEAR AND A HALF does the SAME thing to to me! When we first met, it was with his friends, and after a month, I was not included in any outings. The real issue could be because I met him when I was trying to hook up with his friend who brought me into the group. My bf "stole" me away and I guess doesn't want me associated with any one of these. Other times, he hangs out one-on-one with another male friend, and I don't care to be included, but have expressed that it would be nice if he asked to hang out at some point.
aimeeb aimeeb 9 years
:oy: You've got to be kidding me...
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
i agree courtneyh. you never know what it is. just throw a get together and invite his rock-headed friends. if none of them show up, then your BF has some splainin' to do. hopefully, they do show, and everyone gets along like you wanted. everything is gravy.
courtneyh courtneyh 9 years
I'm gonna take the position of...you are probably a very good girlfriend, but he thinks you are too annoying for his friends. More like you would embarrass him by being a chatty-Cathy or self absorbed. Don't be offended-this means he's not cheating :)
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
are you sure???? (lol) yes, i'm always overboard. get over it. i think it's fishy that you (the poster.i can care less about what aimee is talkin') haven't met all but 1 of his friends. maybe if you're JUST the f*ck buddy, then that would be normal. i stick by my first "overboard" comment 110%.
aimeeb aimeeb 9 years
Asia84 I think that's way overboard. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs and haven't met a lot of his friends. And he's not fuc**** anyone but me. :oy: Seriously.
aimeeb aimeeb 9 years
Why do people ALWAYS assume it's something bad??!! Did anyone else notice she failed to mention how OFTEN he sees his friends?? I mean not to be rude but if I only saw some of my friends on occasion I'd want it to be just me and them and not with my boyfriend. If he only sees them every so often I think you should calm down and not assume the worst. If he's going out every weekend and not inviting you then fine you might have to look into this but if it's a rarity for him to see them you should probably try and stop doing what most people do: jump to conclusions.
mlen mlen 9 years
i'd be a bit questioning if i were you- with my ex, i never hung out with his friends all that much- they just weren't my type. but they knew who i was and they knew about me, and on occasion i'd hang out with them, or drop by and say hi and then peace out. 9 months is a long time to go with out meeting any friends really. even the new guy i'm now dating casually has introduced me to two of his friends- and we've only been seeing each other a month or two. i'd ask him flat out what he's afraid of.
emalove emalove 9 years
What Asia84 said ;) Definitely shady.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
sorry, i'm late ladies. ok. after 9 months and you only know 1 of his friends? that's because he's f*ckin' this girl named Becky. she's the full time girl friend, and you're just part time. i think he's got something to hide. girl, you never know. he might be married or have kids. you're JUST the jump-off. and that one friend you met is his best homeboy that won't go snitchin' on him. or, you don't look like the past girlfriends he's had (too fat, too skinny, black girl, white girl, ugly-a*s girl) and he is ashamed that his boys will talk smack. or maybe he's not into you like that. you just had a steady f*ck-buddy for 9 months, and he doesn't want to rock the boat with the truth. either way, it sounds shady.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
when me and my now husband first started seeing each other, he showed me off left and right =) he even kinda overwhelmed me with all the introductions to allll his friends (hes so f***ing social ;))
Lavinie Lavinie 9 years
i was never much for bringing my bf around my friends but i did it because i just felt that i wanted to keep those two lives separate.. but also because i never felt that that particular relationship was serious enough to do so... but if your gut is making you think that there might be someone else... then that just might be the case.... we're all pretty intuitive when it comes to those things and you've probably seen the signs and just don't want to admit it. First and foremost - be true to you and if you don't like it, then say something and don't let him brush it off
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
I also have the feeling he's hiding something...I mean, 9 months and you only know ONE of his friends? He should be proud to show you off to everybody! I'm really curious as to his reaction when you tell him you want to be included in his social life...
Jude-C Jude-C 9 years
I have to admit that I did this to a boyfriend who I knew deep down wasn't for me. It sounds like he's either ashamed of his friends, or for whatever reason doesn't want them to meet you. I'd tread very carefully and try to figure out why he doesn't want to include you in the rest of his life.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Your going to have to ask him point blank WHY he doesn't introduce you to his friends! You've already given him the opportunity to set things up on his own. Now it's not even about meeting physical friends, now it's about an answer as to why he doesn't want you to meet his friends. We can all come up with a billion reasons but only he holds the answer and after 9 months you deserve an answer! It's WAYYY past time that you meet his friends and if he still refuses then you really need to reevaluate your relationship.
sass317 sass317 9 years
When my hubby and i started dating I met practically every person he had ever known really quickly. His ex from high school (and close friend) was dating (and now is married to) his best friend who was overseas in the Navy and DH couldnt wait for me to meet her so she could "approve by proxy" for the best friend. He wanted me to meet everyone- even wanted to take me to the city (out of state) where he went to college so I could meet all his college friends as well. I think its weird that he doesnt want you to meet his friends- makes me think he doesnt see yall staying together and doesnt want to mix the groups or he has another gf that he DOES take out with the friends.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Asia, where are you for this? Damn! Anyway, you could be someone he's seeing on the side. It doesn't matter how reclusive you believe he is, there is no excuse for not having met his friends.
petite42 petite42 9 years
It could be that he simply doesn't have any other friends, and is only pretending he does, so he doesn't look like a complete social outcast. That's the only thing I can think that wouldn't be suspicious, I'm afraid! But if this is the case, he needs to come out with it to you. You need to know the real him. He is not allowing you to see that real him. And if this is the case, that's not terrible; it is okay to be an introvert. But hiding it from you is wrong. And as erratic-assissin said, when my DH and I met, he didn't take long at all to introduce me to his family, his friends, even his co-workers! He was proud to show me off and happy to give me the opportunity to see a different side of him, through the lens of his friends' eyes.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
When my fiance and I started dating, HE LET IT BE KNOWN. We were EVERYWHERE with his friends and my friends and it was all good. People got sick of us, haha. I really hope he DOESN'T have another chick somewhere. hmm...I dont know. This is weird to me. Dating for 9 months and STILL no outing? You better make it happen or this could very well end up being the issue that breaks the two of you. I understand he needs his time with the buddies and what not, but 9 months? I think you let this go on for too long. GET ON IT.
Ray70121 Ray70121 9 years
I must be old fashioned. If I am dating a person and trying to get to know the real her I want to see who her friends are and how she acts when she is with them and with her family. That is when you start to see the real person. The comments about having quality time with friends I don’t get either. If you love someone and are in a relationship with them why would you want to do things separately? That in its self makes me wonder about the entire relationship.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Why don't you guys throw a party and invite your circle of friends and his circle of friends? I don't think he's necessarily hiding anything. I'd be more inclined to think he doesn't see you two in the long term so he wants to keep you separate from his life so he can make a clean break at some point.
mcreverie mcreverie 9 years
you say he's a homebody , so it could be that he just wants to spend quality time with his friends alone since he doesn't see them that often. also, since you describe him as not extremely social, maybe he's nervous about mixing his friends and gf and is overanxious about the whole thing (what would they all do together? what would they talk about?) BUT it does bother me that you mentioned this to him and he still hasn't done something. tell him that you want to see that other side of him and let him know just how important it is. and maybe the next time he goes out with his friends, you go out with yours and "happen to be in the neighborhood" and drop in.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
I knew I was right when I saw dear sugar's answer! He might have another girlfriend somewhere and his friends would know about her as well, so it would be awkward to "pretend" you're the only one for them.
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