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You Asked: Why Is Me Saying No Not Enough?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and we have a wonderful relationship. He's intelligent, faithful, attractive and kind. I know that I want to marry him and have a family with him sometime in the near future. However, I am completely (and outspokenly) opposed to drugs and smoking cigarettes. Before we met, he was a major stoner, but by the time we started seeing each other, he had quit. He told my roommate that one of the reasons he stopped was because he knew I wouldn't date him if he was a drug user. In the past year, everything has been great and his past rarely comes up.

Recently, he has expressed to me that it wouldn't be a big deal if he smoked every now and then, and he doesn't want to hide it from me because he wants us to be honest with each other. I have made it perfectly clear for our entire relationship that I am not OK with it, that I don't want a boyfriend who does drugs, even if it's only on occasion. I know that smoking weed once and a while isn't the worst thing he could be out doing, but I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who uses. He said that the most important thing is that we love each other, and while I believe that, I am still not willing to budge.

Late into this argument, he dropped the bomb that he had already done it without telling me in the past year. I stopped talking to him and spent the rest of the night crying. Since then, we've both let the issue drop because we are at a standstill. I'm not sure what to do from here. On one hand, I can't imagine loving someone more than I love him, but on the other, I'm seriously against drugs. Please advise? — I Say No Nancy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear I Say No Nancy,

I completely respect your decision to say no to drugs, but you have to remember that you can't project your values and beliefs onto others. Your boyfriend clearly stopped smoking pot for you, not for himself, so it was just a matter of time until he slipped up.

You say you love this man and that you want to get married and have a family one day, but it sounds as though you aren't accepting him for who he really is. The fact that he smoked behind your back, knowing you are opposed to it, makes me wonder just how much of himself and his life he is keeping from you. Smoking pot occasionally doesn't make him a bad person, but you shouldn't be compromising your values if you don't agree with his decisions. If his smoking is more important to him than making this relationship work with you, then I think you know exactly what to do Nancy. If neither one of you is willing to compromise nor meet somewhere in the middle here, it just might be time to call it quits and go your separate ways. I wish you luck.


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