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You Asked: Why Is My Boyfriend So Paranoid?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend is convinced that I am out of his league and that I'm going to run off with somebody "better" than him. The truth is he's is the sexiest, most intelligent, kind, generous human being that I know and have ever known. He treats me like a princess and he's just totally amazing. No matter how many times I tell him these things though, he doesn't seem to believe me. He worries that I'm going to leave him and that I'll get bored of him. What can I do to make his paranoia go away? It's really starting to get to me.
—Getting Annoyed Gretta

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Getting Annoyed Gretta,

Having an insecure boyfriend can't be any fun. Since he's so paranoid about you leaving him, something tells me he's either been cheated on in his past or grew up in a broken home as a result of cheating. He's clearly very sensitive so the best thing you can do is give him as much positive reinforcement as possible through your actions and your words.

Since you'll be asking him to open up to you, it's important for you to do the same. Let him know how draining it is for you to constantly have to boost his confidence and that it's starting to take a toll on your relationship. There's only so much you can do so urge him to open up and talk to you about his suspicious and paranoid behavior. His actions are most likely coming from fear so I hope you can get to the root of this problem before it's too late. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
Reassure, reassure, reassure. If he can't find comfort in the fact the you CLEARLY wouldn't be with him if you didn't want to be, then you'll either have to just deal with his insecurities, or look for someone who trusts you and your intentions. Best of luck!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Doesn't matter how sexy and intelligent he is if he's insecure. Which btw, is not an attractive quality.
TFS TFS 9 years
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
It sounds like he has self-esteem and self-worth issues. He may cool off after a while once he knows you aren't going anywhere. I kind of find this behaviour sort of cute but then I worry when I do something unprincess like that it destroys the illusion? He sounds like a good one though! ~
fran441 fran441 9 years
He needs some therapy to get over his issues, or they will become self-fulfilling.
shugahxnxspice shugahxnxspice 9 years
It's been over a year and a half since my boyfriend and I have been going out and he still has feelings like this. I find it hard to understand considering he's quite a catch and I would never leave him for someone else. I just keep telling him that all his insecurities about our relationship are ungrounded and that I'm with him because I love him. "Positive reinforcement" is the key. That usually does the trick until his next anxiety attack. :P
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
My ex boyfriend did the EXACT same thing and it turned me off so much that it eventually was a BIG part of my breaking it off. It was just so damn annoying.
kaenai kaenai 9 years
whiner much? you must really be in love, because with all the pouting going on there, i'd have been gone already. he might be one of the good ones, but no woman will ever really know it if he doesn't quit with the self-deprecation crap. gah, i'm getting the creeps just thinking about it.
sugarbritches sugarbritches 9 years
Whew, Asia84! Glad I'm not the only one who feels the same way you do about it. It's important to be patient, I agree, but in my experience it's one big guilt trip if you want to do anything he might possibly be insecure about. If he didn't snap out of it pretty early in the relationship I would be out of there! Insecurities are not attractive! I know that goes both ways - mine aren't attractive either, but for god's sake I try and hide mine! =)
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
eww . . .a guy with self-esteem issues is worst than razor burn in your girl-region. you're basically gonna spend your entire relationship telling him that you love him SOOOO much, and you can't go anywhere where there are cute men, because he's always gonna whine about it. You're never gonna be allowed to have ladie's night with your friends because he's gonna start the water works and make you feel bad. i'm sorry, all i can say is ewwwwww.
indielove indielove 9 years
kia is right. there's nothing you can do, it's his problem. most guys like that never change unless they WANT to.
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
My fiance used to do the exact same thing when we first started dating. Turns out he hasn't been made to feel all that important throughout his life and he has sort of been made to feel guilty anytime anything good happened for him. So all you really have to do is reinforce the idea that he is good enough. Let him know that he's the best and after a while his thinking may start to change. He probably doesn't realize that the way he is acting is hard on you so let him know, and also take a break from the princess thing every now and then. I know it's fun and great to be put on a pedestal, but you have to be real too and showing him that you aren't perfect may help him to feel less insecure
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
my sisters fiance is the same. my sister is beautiful and young and well hes none of those two, but she loves him. still, hes always paranoid, hes always imagining that she checking out other guys and that she'll leave him as soon as she finds someone better and its made him controlling and obsessive in a way. but he also "treats her like a princess" like the poster. i guess its worth mentioning that not only was his mom cheated on, but so was he. and he's unable to change, as much as they've tried working on it.
blingbling blingbling 9 years
I agree with Dear - no doubt he has issues from his past that lead him to be super insecure now - but GAH who has TIME for this in a relationship?? It's been my experience that men who treat women this way end up driving them away. It has to stop. So yeah, be honest with him about how his insecurity is affecting your relationship. He needs to work these issues out, maybe with therapy.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
I agree with Dear's advice. My boyfriend went through a period like this (after he met some of my guy friends) but you just have to show that he's the man for you and make him feel like he's #1. After all, he's treating you like a princess.
gooniette gooniette 9 years
Oh, and try not to break his heart. He sounds like one of the good ones.
gooniette gooniette 9 years
Just tell him he's right and to keep worshiping you. There's no harm in that. ;-)
kia kia 9 years
you can't do anything, he needs to grow a backbone and stop it with his self-esteem issues
lily8206 lily8206 9 years
Sounds like something happened to him in his past that makes it hard for him to believe. Maybe show him your love with more actions to reinforce your words. If he treats you like a Princess he might be one of those guys who really values Doing things for the one you love and therefore needs to be able to see how you feel on top of hearing it.
Pistil Pistil 9 years
My boyfriend sometimes puts himself down the same way. He's been cheated on before, so I'm patient and try to be sensitive about it.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
It definitely seems that he has been hurt in the past or is doing something shady now... Perhaps just give him a wakeup call, "I wouldn't be with you if you were -allthosenegativethings-" or like "Everytime you say something negative about yourself, you are basically calling me an idiot for being with you. i love you, i think you are amazing - and my opinion is what should matter most to you" etc etc
Shopaholichunny Shopaholichunny 9 years
Yeah he def has self-worth issues he NEEDS to deal with first. And I agree with what Dear said. :)
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