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You Asked: Why are Women so B*tchy?

Dear Sugar--
I have always been somewhat of a "lone wolf" and I have started to look at isolation as heaven. My friends ignore me, talk behind my back and are not considerate to me. We used to all have fun together, but now, THEY have fun and have inside jokes while I politely stand by waiting for them to acknowledge I am there. I think it might be because they have "known each other for SO long" and I am a "work friend" that just moved here without knowing anyone. Should I just stop trying to be their friend or keep on putting forth the effort in hopes they open up their circle to me? I know this seems like a stupid question, but it is really hard not knowing anyone and having the comforts of a best friend to turn to. I'm sensitive, but I also hate pity parties. --Left out Olivia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Left out Olivia--

Is this a scene straight out of Mean Girls? I am sorry you are feeling left out of your new circle of friends -- unfortunately girls can be incredibly catty and hateful to each other, but know that most of the time women act that way out of insecurity. Although I am sure it doesn't make you feel any better about the situation, rest assured that you most likely aren't doing anything wrong. Have you confronted these women about the way their actions are making you feel? Have you suggested any ways to get to know each other better or work on your friendships?

Moving to a new city and making all new friends is not an easy task, but if these women continue to make you feel badly about yourself or if they make you feel like you are not good enough for them, it sounds like you would be better off starting from scratch and finding a new circle. Join a gym, or get involved in your community. Enroll in a local book club or read in a coffee shop. The more you get out there, the easier it is to meet new people. Just because you work with these women, it doesn't mean you need to be their best friend. You don't deserve to be treated poorly just because you haven't known them for "so long" so if I were you, I would stop trying now before you get yourself too invested in each other's lives. Good luck to you.


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sw2190 sw2190 10 years
Its always hard being new, and girls definetly have a way of making you feel bad or left out, but like the letter said its out of insecurity usually, I also like a fair good time to myself and I like being independent so that if other people let me down I dont always rely on them to do it again. I have always been quite shy especially around new people, more around girls than guys for this same reason that girls can be more difficult to get along with, but as im getting older I have found it get gradually easier to open up to people and Its amazing the results u see. you make the first smile wave chat and youre going places already, if they still dont feel like it then their loss it will happen for a reason, find someone new good luck! :)
kppontrucking kppontrucking 10 years
I understand what you mean. I was never one of those ultra feminine girls and as a result I was ignored by many other girls in high school. I couldn't relate to girls who felt the need to wear makeup all the time, chased boys a lot, or squealed over new clothes (which I thought were just pieces of material to cover my body). The friends I have now are wonderful. We understand each others' schedules and need for independence/privacy so it's great when we take the time to get to experience new things like going to different cultural restaurants. It isn't a bad idea to befriend men as they are much more open to befriending new people into their circle. They could care less about your fashion sense as long as you have a great sense of humor and unlike some women, they will talk to you even if you aren't dolled up like them. Yes, I've had other women refuse to talk to me because I didn't have makeup on. Sad.
melda melda 10 years
yes I always had problem with b*tchy! girls thats why most of my friends in university were guys
Vdogg Vdogg 10 years
I've definately had my fair share of bitchy girl experiences, & think i've learnt a thing or two in terms of why these things happen. First of all, keep in mind EVERYONE has had a bad friendship experience. Even if you've been a "lone wolf" your whole life, try not to get into the "there's something wrong with me" mindset. Once you start thinking you're an undesirable friend, then that is when you really become one!! You need to stay optimistic, remind yourself of the good qualities you have, & meet people! Oftentimes, once you begin meeting more people, you'll remind YOURSELF what your good qualities are. It does suck that these girls work with you though, which means if you cut off ties with them you'd have to see them all the time. So if they really make you feel this bad, there's no reason why your social AND professional life have to suffer. Maybe look for a new job? & try to steer clear of seemingly bitchy girls. I'm sure by now you've figured out their typical persona, so avoid it. Next time you meet a girl, make sure she seems just as sweet and sincere as you are!
tinyspark tinyspark 10 years
You obviously need new friends. No offense, but they sound nasty. My friends are awesome and supportive and it makes me feel good to be around them. You deserve the same!
hills hills 10 years
i agree with Marci. its hard but mayb u could try ur hardest and be more involved, if it still carries on try and make another group of friends but still being freindly with the girls so as theres no bad feelings. No one likes to be pittyed and it wont last for ever so try not to feel too down about this situation.
Hope5 Hope5 10 years
DearSuar I agree with you on this one!
Marci Marci 10 years
It's never easy to be the new person - especially among a group of old friends. I agree with mabess that you need to be more proactive; be involved and not just wait to be acknowledged. Just jump right in. And I would also suggest widening your scope and looking for additional friends. That doesn't mean dump these girls; a wide circle of friends is a good thing. Different groups for different parts of your life.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
I moved out to a place where I didn't know anyone either, about a year and almost a half ago. I am friends with one person from work, but the nature of out job we get together only 2 or 3 times a month-and i feel the same was as you with the cirlces of people at work. My work place has about 500 people, and we are all consultants, so some of us don't go to the office, but rather go to the client. I am one of the ones that stays at the client, but even when i tried to get involved in different committees at work, people have already established their little groups. I know how you feel, but I also keep in touch with friends from where i moved, and focus on making the friendship with the one coworker a good one. we both started on the same day haha. I get lonely too-esp on friday night, when i am cleaning and watching netflix by myself, and im et a neighbor but we don't really have a whole lot in commong. we walk together sometimes, and went to a movie, but right now our schedules are whack. good luck. I am not unhappy with my situation, but it would be nice to have more friends, although, i have had some friends like the mean girls movie, and would perfer to not to have any at all than more friends like i had
Pink_Lipstick Pink_Lipstick 10 years
I was going to ask the same thing as backfat...this happens all the time in high school. When I was a senior in high school, the group of girls I had been friends with since the beginning of my sophomore year became jealous that I was spending time with some other people and started nasty rumors about me. It hurt, but then I realized that people who do that are never your friends in the first place. Not all women are bitchy, so don't let your experience with these girls make you jaded about having friendships with women.
backfat backfat 10 years
Are you still in high school? - As that's just par for the course.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Honestly, it doesn't even sound like you like these girls, so why bother trying? I have always been a bit of a lone wolf, like you say, for the same reasons. Every girl group I've ever been associated with has an awful dynamic where you talk shit about whoever isn't around. I'm too independent and annoyed by it to put up with it. So I have always chosen great friends from different circles and just lived more independently. I think you'll probably have to do the same thing. It's harder not having the comfort of the same old group to do everything together, but it's a lot more rewarding to have real friends and to know they aren't talking crap about you behind your back. Dear has some good suggestions about joining a book group or some other club that has your same interests. I promise you will find friends who feel like friends, not friends who make you feel invisible and uncomfortable.
mabess mabess 10 years
"while I politely stand by waiting for them to acknowledge I am there." this makes me think you aren't being very proactice. you have to make sure you're involving yourself instead of waiting for others to do it for you. plan an outing for the group, call your friends instead of waiting for them to call you, or make sure your opinion about the movie is heard (just examples). don't let yourself melt into the background. and if this doesn't work, maybe you need to find some more accepting friends.
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