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You Asked: Why Won't He Make a Move?

You Asked: Why Won't He Make a Move?

Dear Sugar,

I have loved the same man for nearly 13 years. He is straight, but one of those men who is married to his work and perhaps scared of commitment. He has dated women, but the relationships never go anywhere.

I am considered attractive and smart. He makes me laugh and my heart pound. When we are together, it feels like there is no one else in the room, yet I also recognize that if he had interest in a relationship with me, he would have expressed it by now.

His friends have told me he has feelings for me and I am confident he cares
about me, although I can't bring myself to make the first move. I have casually asked him out a few times and we are in the same line of work and have mutual friends, so we occasionally go out in groups and it is never awkward between us, just a little frustrating for me.

I have come to a few conclusions:

  1. He doesn't care for me as much as I think he does.
  2. I have a problem for 'unrequited' love by loving one man for 13 years.
  3. I need to let go and move on.

Please help me, clearly I need it! — Still Waiting Wendy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Still Waiting Wendy,

Thirteen years and you still haven't gotten to the bottom of this crush of yours?! Wendy, it is high time that you make a move! Your friends have told you he has feelings for you, you flirt in a joking manner, and you're confident that he cares about you, so what's the hold up! It sounds like he's shy and sure, he could have made a move by now, but he could also be afraid of rejection, so I think it would behoove you to make the first move.

Perhaps the next time you are all out as a group, graze your hand over his and see if he bites. Talk closely and put your hand on his leg. Make him feel special and treat him differently than you do your other guy friends. Ask him if he wants to get a drink sometime, just the two of you, or ask him to be your date to a party this weekend. If you let your guard down a little, I'm sure he will be able to feel the difference and it might make him loosen up around you too.

Of course it's easier to stay guarded and protected, but taking a chance on love could be so much more rewarding, so before you choose option number three, make sure you at least give it a shot! There is nothing worse than not knowing what could have happened! Good luck, I really hope it works out in your favor!

Join The Conversation
bugness bugness 9 years
Six words for you: "Sh** or get off the pot." I thought I was bad for liking a guy for 3 years without doing anything. You HAVE to do something or move on. It's hard, but if you love him as much as you say, then you should love him enough to tell him the truth.
elmendoa elmendoa 9 years
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
"He's not that into you." I think that's a title of a book, but that's what came to my mind when I read your post. I agree with posters that said he would have pursued you if he was interested. It's time to let him go. He's not the one. If he was the one, he would have returned your feelings. Ideal love is shared. It's not one-sided. For fun, you could treat him as eye-candy, but don't view him as anything more than that. :)
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
13 years? Lord have mercy! Please go ahead and waste another 20 since you cant seem to buy yourself a clue. If a guy is interested, he will make a move. Doesn't matter what moves you make how many dates you set up, he's still standing there like a statue and not even looking in your direction. Please read a book.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I have been in a similar situation and I finally was sick of it going no where so we had drinks one night I told him we either needed to try being being a couple or move on. I decided to move on because I realized that he wasn't for me after all. Fortunately, I dated other people while this went on for 10 years so at least I didn't miss out on anything.
geebers geebers 9 years
I am in the minority it seems. You should move on and let this one go. I firmly believe that men - no matter how shy- eventually find a way to tell a woman he likes her. 13 years is WAY too long. And you never know...if you start dating someone else he may realize he has lost his chance and come around. But by then you may be over him.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
oh man! you could just take the crazy approach and knock back a few drinks and drag him into a closet and have your wicked way with him (i suspect E. Jean would tell you that!). ;) but for real, i hope you've dated other men and can stop hoping this one man will eventually come around. you deserve better than unrequited love - you deserve the real thing!
tabloidprincess tabloidprincess 9 years
Honey you need to move on and find a guy that wants you and only you and has no problem with showing you that he wants you.
Spicyeggplant Spicyeggplant 9 years
Time to make a serious move like Dear suggests. I think you need to put yourself out there so you can know for sure what the situation is between the two of you...if he reciprocates, woo-hoo! If not, then you've got your answer and it is time to move on. Sometimes women find it hard to let go of a possibility more than a reality I think. Good luck and go get your man! ;)
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
If you think he is the one, and you feel so strongly about him, make a move! The only thing bad that could come out of it, is maybe a little bit of weirdness, but that probably wouldn't last too long since you have been friends for so long. If you don't have the nerve to make a move..........move ON ALREADY!
Cymone Cymone 9 years
Don't let go, but do move on. Date other people but keep him in your life; maybe he'll come around or maybe he wont. But don't make him your everything when you're just an option for him.
mlen mlen 9 years
i agree- i know about unrequited love but still- sometimes you gotta just let it go! have you dated other men in the meantime at least i hope? i was so in love with my one friend for years. i'd say a good 7 years. we became very close friends and as we got older there was always a bit of sexual tension between us. i think him and i made an unspoken agreement not to act on it and just stay friends. the timing was never right to make a move, he had a steady gf for most of it and even when they took a break i didn't feel that was right. i did however, get over him. i found a guy i really liked as well and dated him for a year and i stayed friends with my "love". and when my bf and i broke up i found that my "love" for the friend had really just faded into my love for him as a close friend. he was there for me for my breakup and i realized i made the right choice by keeping him as a close friend. i even went to his wedding and at the wedding there was maybe 1% of me that went what if, but the other 99% of me was sincerely happy for him. however- if you can risk losing the friendship then by all means- make a move. its better than a lifetime of waiting and not knowing and watching him marry someone else. if you can't move on then your only choice left is to make a move- you can't keep doing what you are doing! good luck
suheilly13 suheilly13 9 years
I think you should move on, if he has not made a move in 13 years, then there has to be something that is holding him back. If you are not afraid of loosing his friendship, take a risk. Try to kiss him. But if does not respond with passion...move on, and move on fast. There are other men that would probably not event think twice of having a relatioship with you that you might be overlooking because you are waiting around for this guy.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Girl, THIRTEEN YEARS!!!! You need to make a move! At this point you need to move on from this silly crush. How many other men have you possibly missed out on because you've loved this guy for thirteen years? Maybe he is afraid or maybe he's just not that into you but regardless you need to find out! Take DS advice in inviting him out on a date and get to the point already. Are you gonna wait another thirteen years while your ovaries dry up and he eventually marries someone else? Come on girl at this point I'm sure you can be mature enough to remain friends even if he isn't interested. What have you got to lose?
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