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You Asked: Is It Wrong To Make Sure?

Dear Sugar,

You know how in the beginning of every relationship, you find yourself so deeply in love, saying things like "this one is different" and thinking that you've really got it right this time, but then an old flame from the past starts to peer from around the corner? Well that's happening to me. Every time I feel like I've really found a great guy, this old flame creeps up on me with a simple phone call, email, or text that ropes me right back into his trap. Let me state that nothing has ever happened when he contacts me, but it's well known amongst our friends that there's something unique between the two of us.

My basic question is, is it wrong to make sure that flame is snuffed out by returning his advances and checking to see if feelings are really there? Or is it even more wrong to ignore my feelings for the old flame altogether and continue on, even though deep down I will always feel something for him? — Double Checking Christi

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Double Checking Christi,

I don't think it's wrong to confirm the flame is no longer burning with your ex, but I think it's only fair to your current boyfriend to do that on your time; in other words I think you should take a break while you settle your matters of your heart. If this one specific person keeps creeping back into your world, I'd say that he deserves another shot, but you must set some boundaries because Christi, sometimes those people just aren't meant to be. You say you keep falling back into his trap, which insinuates that he's not good for you. Try to figure out why you keep going back to each other but at the same time, make an effort to break the cycle if you know deep down that it's not meant to be. If you don't get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later, you're going to have a difficult time moving on and having a meaningful relationship with someone who isn't a fair weather boyfriend like your ex. Good luck.


gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
soooo...what you want is greenlight for cheating??? NOT FROM ME!
geebers geebers 9 years
To be honest- if you were single and in this boat- I would highly advise you to snuff the flame- as you say. Because you really need to go through it before you realize it is not what you fantasize it to be. If you are with someone right now- then no- you would be cheating. I think you need to break-up with whomever you are dating right now and just get this out of your system.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
The only unique thing you share with this guy is that you probably romanticize what you had forgetting that it ended for a reason. It's not about guys having a lo-jack on your happinesss, it's about your willingness to let them back in without issue. You have a new guy in your life, why are YOU letting the other knucklehead wind you up? why?
duck-duck-goose duck-duck-goose 9 years
OP asked: "My basic question is, is it *wrong* to make sure that flame is snuffed out by returning his advances and checking to see if feelings are really there?" [asterisks added for emphasis] If you are currently dating someone else (presumably in an exclusive companionship), YES! All other information is irrelevant. Your particulars with Ex are made moot by your current relationship status. Nothing you say will change this. You cannot maintain integrity if you explore (the wearied hope of) possibilities with Ex (to the tenth power) while currently engaged in a committed relationship.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
well depending on how long you've been with this newbie, you should certainly get out if at all possible. you need to have closure on your old relationship and it's obvious that you don't (and sound pretty young at that, so you shouldn't be needing to worry that the guy you're with now is the one you'll be marrying). I think it is very smart of you to try to rekindle, b/c if you don't, it's just going to cause trouble later down the line and there's a very good chance you'll end up cheating on your mate or even husband because those possible feelings are still there. You may just need one last night of sex, or you may just need to have a date with him (only you can tell) and you'll know from those feelings whether or not it's real. It could be that you miss the idea of him or just are missing something out of your new relationships and are thinking you're going to have it again with your ex, but when you try to bring that to reality, it may prove you very wrong and then you'll be able to move on and never think of him. It's better to find out then try to hide it on the back burner...b/c it will eventually blow up on you! it's one thing if you and your current have been together for years, then that is doing him very wrong. but if it's just a few weeks/months, then you're fine and should be true to yourself. What if you really did leave behind a great love b/c the timing wasn't right and your ex is the one for you? Or you could try it out again and then find out that damn, it was the right thing to separate. Either way, you'll at least know. It's that hope of the unknown possibilities that gets us into trouble.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
Lovelie hit the nail on the head. He's manipulating you big time and you're allowing it to happen. He needs to accept that you're relationship is over,move on, and that what he's doing to you just isn't right. Cut him loose before he totally ruins your life.
gooniette gooniette 9 years
Eventually you'll meet the right guy who quashes all of those doubts and 'what ifs' about the old flame, someone who truly compliments you. Until that happens, don't cheat on your current boyfriend and don't go back and sleep with the old flame. That will just make it more confusing. Good luck!
lovelie lovelie 9 years
I had an old flame like this. Keyword: Had. He lingered around for almost 2 years, and ruined 2 blooming relationships. What would happen, is everytime I started dating someone new, or showed interest in someone, he would make a point to come talk to me at a bar right in front of the new guy...inevitably causing suspicion, which is something you don't need when you are just starting out. Both guys went their own ways, only for me to find out later that the reason they called it quits was because they didn't want to get into a "triangle." Needless to say, the old flame is no longer in my life, but I had to cut him loose and put my foot down.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
I know it is easy to say than done, but my take is that, if the relationship didn't work before, why would it work now? What has changed? We often like to reminiscing the good old days, but is it really worth the trouble? I think you should focus, be confident and have faith on the your new relationship...Unless you know the old flame is THE one. if not, dont waste your time.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
From your post it sounds like this same old flame has came creeping more than once. If those past times it did not work out why would it now? Let it go babe. It's not gonna happen... It's not worth it and deep down you know it.
missbanana missbanana 9 years
oh dear, ive been through this, and i definitely feel for you. its hard not knowing for sure, but at the same time, not wanting to ruin what you already have. sheeeesh
skigurl skigurl 9 years
i don't know how guys know, whether they have a little pager that goes off saying "she must be happy, i better swoop in and crap all over it" but my ex ALWAYS manages to text me the very day something good soon as i went on my second date with my current bf and realized i really liked him and this could be something good, my ex who i haven't heard from in months starts texting me in the middle of the night and asking about whether or not i think about "us"'s shocking how guys have that sixth sense about when to drop a bomb on you.... for Christi, i would say just get over it, because he's your ex for a reason...give the new relationship a shot, and don't cheat on your new man with your old will make everyone involved feel terrible!
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