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You Asked: Is It Wrong to Masturbate While I'm Married?

You Asked: Is It Wrong to Masturbate While I'm Married?

Dear Sugar--

I have been married for almost two years. In the beginning the sex was great but it always seemed it was only when he wanted it. At first I thought it was like that since I lived with my parents we didn't have as much alone time, but now we've been married for a year and I don't climax when we have sex. I feel like he really doesn't care if I get pleasured or not. (he even says he wishes I would fake it!)

Not only do we not have sex for days, even weeks, but when we do it's not what I expect. The other day I started to initiate sex and we ended up doing nothing so I went to the shower and started to pleasure myself. Well I didn't lock the door and he caught me and I felt really guilty. I didn't even get to finish and once again I was sexually frustrated. He didn't mention anything about it later, but why do I feel so bad? And why didn't he see this as a sign that he is not giving me what I need? I have even tried telling him directly before, but hate to bring it up again and again. So is it wrong to pleasure myself?

--Sexually Frustrated Fran

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Sexually Frustrated Fran--

You have every right to pleasure yourself whenever you please and as many times as you want - even if your husband was pleasuring you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating. What's wrong is that you're having to do it because your husband isn't giving you that kind of attention - I'd be totally frustrated and angry too.

Everyone is different and your husband just may not be the kind of person that needs sex that much. Or is he stressed about work? He may be unsure of how to pleasure you, which could in turn make him feel self-conscious about having sex with you. Some guys are turned off by the fact that it takes women a much longer time to climax, so he may not want to put forth the effort. Whatever the reason is, this has got to change or else you are going to end up resenting him, which could ruin your relationship.

Communication is key so express to him how important sex is to you. Since telling him how you feel doesn't help, try to initiate sex more. When it does happen, make it a really positive experience by giving him the reinforcement he might need. You've got to build back his self-esteem and make him think he's an excellent lover. If he feels good about what happens in the bedroom, he'll be more apt to want to do it more. I hope this helps!


Join The Conversation
Abnormal-girlie Abnormal-girlie 8 years
I do it all the time, but in private. Hubby likes me to do it for him. Our sex life is great, this is just another outlet.
allyd allyd 9 years
honey, if touching myself is wrong, i don't wanna be right. (omg did i just say that out loud?) =) two thoughts here, both already voiced above. (1) it's your body. enjoy it. (2) i don't have a world of experience here, but it seems to me that *most* men start off their sexual lives as "takers" and have to be taught to give. this means that the first thing you have to teach them is to *want* to give. and that means talking about it. don't wait until it becomes so huge and awkward that you *can't* talk about it. do it tonight.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
Ummm.... I am married and I do NOT for one minute believe that your sex life always has to involve your partner. You can masturbate. You can not masturbate. EIther way, he doesn't always have to be a part of you releasing tension. Also, men masturbate. Plain and simple fact. Any husband who says he doesn't is L-Y-I-N-G. So why should you feel guilty?
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
lol Ima! Nothing wrong with it at all, but it sounds like you guys are having some issues in your sex life and need to talk so you can figure out how to both be satisfied.
Imabeliever Imabeliever 9 years
Most married couple hit a rough patches now and then.. esp after you have children (seriously try to fins opportunity and the energy with 2 kids under 4 running around :OY:) but the most important thing is communication. Fins a way to open the lines of communication without making it sound like you are accusing him of being well, basically exactly what he is being.. a lazy selfish lover. Tip toe around the truth. And no.. nothing wrong with married masturbation. Have you met my 3 midnight hubby's? There is Brad, George and the new guy Shia!
biggggg8 biggggg8 9 years
I feel for you but let me tell you my x-wife and I just didn't click in bed and you KNOW girl that if its not there its not there.... So what did I do? spend many long nights masterbating and I'll bet she did too. I just know that she just didn't turn me on.... Maybe if tshe had dressed up like a model or something off the wall and me at a runchy motel.... who knows I feel for you and him.... mike
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
NO is not wrong...and...maybe he's gay..??? just throwing it out there...
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
He sounds a little selfish since he doesn't seem to care if you "climax" get a newspaper and wack him over the head. It's not all about him! you deserve a little pleasure too. Tell him your on strike...until he makes the effort in pleasing you, you'll just do it for yourself.
ccalm ccalm 9 years
There is nothing wrong with masturbation. Only something wrong with having to hide it you need to talk to your husband. RIGHT AWAY
wistfuldreamer wistfuldreamer 9 years
First: Helllll no it is not wrong for you to pleasure yourself, especially if your husband is not doing it for you. To me, it seems a little weird that him "catching" you didn't make him stop and think. Him telling you to fake it is just mean! If the problem is that he ends the rare sack session too *ahem* early, maybe you both could consider using a vibrator during sex? That way you would get the stimulation you want (and deserve!!) while he does too. Maybe that will even give him ideas on how to please you! But personally, if he doesn't get the picture soon, I would just start letting him catch you more often and being less responsive when he tries to initiate sex- its sort of mean, but it will let him see that sex is not only for his enjoyment, and if you're not getting anything out of it (EVER), you shouldn't have to lay back and put up with it if you're giving yourself the satisfaction he won't. Good luck!
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
I get myself off whenever I want and i have a boyfriend who ahs sex with me pretty much everyday! When I'm laying in bed lonely and bored that's usually what I do and I don't feel bad at all, and he doesn't get mad about least he doesn't have to do it right!
jadorechaussures jadorechaussures 9 years
OMG..get this problem fixed by talking to your husband right away. I think you waited to've been having bad rare sex for a year! I am not sure from your message but do you guys still love each other? Sex is a form of intimacy (obviously)and if you guys aren't communicating/sharing in the bedroom what about everywhere else. There might be some bigger issues here. You pleasuring yourself is not even an issue(It is not wrong and you shouldn't have to after making advances to your husband. Your husband is in the wrong for not trying to satisfy you). Re-evaluate not only your crappy sex life but your marriage/husband. These may be the first signs of something worse (we already know he's selfish....).
greenapples1987 greenapples1987 9 years
I think it's okay to do it if you are both comfortable with it, and can do it in front of each other too. You should talk to him about this and let him know what's going on. Don't try to hide it from him! This is something you two need to work on together so that you both enjoy your sex life! Set aside maybe some time on the weekend where you can slow things down and spend the day in bed together to see what you both need. This really helps and if you have a great weekend together the rest of the week will be great too! Good luck you two!
lolany lolany 9 years
First, to your question: No, it's not wrong at all! Go at it, girl! :) Don't feel bad about that for even one second longer. Guess what he does during the weeks you are not having sex? Second: I have an issue with the "he even says he wishes I would fake it" statement. Sorry, but what? Ummm, I'm not trying to offend your guy, but what kind of moron is he exactly? He sounds extremely selfish to me, dear. Normally, men LOVE to pleasure women your guy on the other hand doesn't seem to care one bit about you in that regard, but only himself. That's not OK and you need to gather your strength and sit that boy down and TELL him that you NEED him to slow down or do whatever he has to to make sure he's not the only one coming to an orgasm. You can not be screamish about this type of talk either. Tell him exactly what bothers you, and what he should do to ensure you have your fun, too. Last, but not least: there's nothing wrong with you or what you did.
machete machete 9 years
Fact: Your Sex Life Belongs To You. Fact: You Need To Satisfy The Freak In You Often-EVERYDAY!!! Fact: If You Wanted SOME Loving You Should Of Got Some. Fact: When You Get That Itch.......Get On That Stick. Fact: You Know Where It Is...YES? YOU Can Man-up ONE Time. ACTION: Put Your Hand In His Pants & FIRM IT, then GET on IT. Remedy: DON'T Act Like A Woman In Bed. Want Some---Get Some. Fact: Men Like It When Their WivesBecome Freaks Often.
scoop45 scoop45 9 years
Nothings wrong with it at all!!! Lol
Sofiababy Sofiababy 9 years
simply put, you will go crazy if you dont! ease him into it, show him what you like, and make the experience fun and dont pressure anything. the more you want to climax with him, the more impossible it will seem. just sit back and enjoy the ride and if your embarrassed about directly showing him what you want, do it subtly over a period of time. heck, i suggest you get toys either way! you totally, totally deserve the attention. every girl does!
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
It seems like he's more of a taker than he is a giver. So this is what I would do...when he wants to have sex, tell him to wait and watch while you pleasure yourself. Once you're at the brink of finishing, let him begin. Show him how happy it makes you when you finish with him. At that point, I'm sure he'll be happy to wait for you in the future.
MamaD MamaD 9 years
Definitely should be done in a marriage and by both people and often!!! And when you're comfortable do it in front of eachother if that excites you both!!!Absolutely nothing wrong with it!!!
mominator mominator 9 years
Wow You two really need to talk. If my hubby caught me he would be estastic. My husband wishes I would initiate sex and pleasure myself for him. I just feel you both need to sit and have a deep conversation and find out what the real problem is and remember honesty is the key to fixing any situation. Do not make it seem like it is all him. Ask him is there anything that he would like for you to do or anything that he needs you to work on to be better at. That way he doesn't feel attacked. Good Luck!
jJuliet jJuliet 9 years
He "caught" you?
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