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You Asked: Is his Friend Off Limits?

Dear Sugar--
I met a guy 4 weeks ago and I've been seeing him for about 3 weeks now. He always says that we're just "hanging out" when people ask him what is going on between us. He tells me that he's not ready for a relationship yet because 6 months ago he got out of a 3 year relationship and thinks we should take things slow and see where we end up.

A week after I started seeing my guy, I met one of his really good friends! I already know that I want to end things with the guy I'm seeing now because we really don't have much in common, and I don't want to waste my time waiting for him to be ready for a relationship. My problem is that I have fallen for his really good friend and his friend has fallen for me. We secretly talk to each other over the phone and we see each other out constantly when we are all together. Me and the other guy have talked and we both agree that we don't want to hurt the guy that I'm seeing right now but we want to be together.

The other problem is that the guy that I'm seeing is kind of a big deal in my city, and I don't want to piss him off in any way. What I guess I'm trying to ask is if it is OK if I break up with him and then just play it off like his friend and I just kind of fell for each other after some time has passed? I think that it might even be love at first sight between me and the new guy; we have the same morals and we come from the same background, our families are so much alike, not to mention that we come from the same country overseas! I already know that this guy is someone that I need in my life and I don't want to pass him up and he feels the same! I just don't want to hurt the guy that I'm "seeing" now. So if you have any advice on my situation, please let me know! -- Rocking the Boat Rory

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Rocking the Boat Rory--

Getting in-between two friends can get really sticky, but that isn't to say you shouldn't follow your heart. I understand how you feel, I think many people have fallen for their boyfriend's friends before, but you must proceed with caution. Since you have clearly already made your decision about which you want to be with, I advise you to end your relationship with the guy you are currently dating ASAP. Sneaking around behind his back is what will most likely upset him more than anything else.

Since he has been open with you about his feelings towards your relationship, it's only fair for you to do the same. It sounds like you respect him and share some mutual friends, so in order to maintain a civil relationship, you must be honest him. Let him know that you feel a stronger connection with his friend and while you really enjoyed "hanging out" together, you need to follow your heart and do what's best for you. From the sounds of it, you and his buddy are developing a real connection, so if you truly feel like he could be someone special in your life, you're right, you shouldn't deny those feelings, just beware you might have to suffer some consequences and be the cause of some hurt feelings as a result.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance, follow your instincts and go for it. I wish you luck and hope everything works out for the best.


Join The Conversation
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 10 years
Talk to both of them separately, maybe together as well. Tell them how you feel and what's been going on. Sort things out from there.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
It sounds like you aren't even dating the first guy. Just make like you don't want to "hang out" with him and then start "seeing" his friend later.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Break up with guy number 1. Then take things slowly with guy number 2. Who knows, the whole "we can't be together" thing may have made the spark with guy #2 even better.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
LOL cgmaetc! I agree with everyone else that you should just break up with the guy who obviously is not that into you, and take a chance on the friend. I would wait a bit before I let him know that you are involved with his friend, in a few weeks he might have another girlfriend and it'll ease the blow of seeing you with his friend.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
You tow are just 'hanging out', so why not? And unless this guy has the power to get you fired or killed, who cares if he's a 'big deal'?
KrisSugar KrisSugar 10 years
i agree with Dear. be honest, and the guy you're currently dating will probably be a little hurt. however, time takes care of these things. there may be awkwardness for a while, but it'll pass. and if you have these kind of feelings for his friend, they sound like they are worth exploring. They don't sound like they are just superficial and shallow. i don't envy your position on one hand, but on the other i do. you are possibly beginning a very important relationship with this other guy. who knows where it might lead!
fab4 fab4 10 years
I agree with both Sugar and nicachica. I think the main thing is to be honest and to give it time. and if you and the friend DO start dating...don't rub it in the guy's face...
nicachica nicachica 10 years
you know, it sounds like this guy you're dating isn't totally into you (and vice versa!) but beware that even if that's the case, his pride WILL be hurt that you like his friend more than him. i would follow Dear's advice about breaking it off ASAP and being honest, but wait just a little bit with his friend before you two start getting hot and heavy. since you've only been hanging with this guy for 3 weeks, its not like his heart will be broken forever, it's more that his male ego will be hurt so just keep that in mind. good luck! it sounds like the friend and you are a good match. :)
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