Kaitlyn's Most Loved, Hated, and Bizarre Bachelors

YOU GUYS. The pinnacle of every Bachelorette season is upon us. All this season's bachelors now have the opportunity to express the hatred that began simmering on the show and boiled over as they watched it on TV by shouting over one another on bleachers in front of a live studio audience. This is quality entertainment, people.

The best part? Every guy brings his unique neuroses to the stage. Forget about "most popular" or "best eyes"; if "The Men Tell All" took place inside a high school yearbook, the superlatives would look something like this.

Longest Mic-Hogging Session: Tony
ABC

Longest Mic-Hogging Session: Tony

I predict and sincerely hope that Tony steals the mic long enough to protest the show's "violent" date activities and remind us that he has "the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy" — not to mention the sense of humor of a piece of driftwood.

Most Surprising Audience Favorite: Tanner
ABC

Most Surprising Audience Favorite: Tanner

Tanner emerged from obscurity by charming us with jokes about said obscurity, including this winning rhyme at Kaitlyn's Irish wake: "I like you and want time tonight, so put it in your planner, and in case you forgot, my name is Tanner." I did forget you at one point, Tanner, but I'll definitely wave from my couch when I spot you on stage!

Loudest Audience Boos: Clint
ABC

Loudest Audience Boos: Clint

It's not his bromance with JJ that makes Clint the lowest of the low; it's the way he tried to manipulate Kaitlyn into keeping him around and then turned on JJ when he left. If he and JJ ducked out early and rode into the sunrise in a limo, we'd all be applauding. But Clint's dishonesty and disloyalty toward both Kaitlyn and JJ have earned him boos that will leave viewers reaching for their volume-down buttons.

Most Likely to Burn Up in the Hot Seat: JJ
ABC

Most Likely to Burn Up in the Hot Seat: JJ

While Kaitlyn spotted Clint's antics immediately, she kept JJ around for weeks when he was guilty of the same crimes. Now JJ has to face the fact that he's no better than Clint; his deception was just more successful. The hot seat will be smoldering indeed. PS How much do you want to bet he'll use his daughter as an excuse?

Wildest Audience Applause: Ben H.
ABC

Wildest Audience Applause: Ben H.

Ben H. has my bets on the next Bachelor. He's a perfect gentleman, pretty much the best-looking guy ever, and humble enough to fear being "unlovable." Hell, maybe I'd even audition for a shot at Ben's heart.

Least Likely to Badmouth Anyone: Jared
ABC

Least Likely to Badmouth Anyone: Jared

When everyone was griping over Nick's arrival, Jared took the high road and told Kaitlyn their relationship could withstand the test. Even after Kaitlyn sent him home, Jared offered her his coat and told her she deserves the man of her dreams. So when the season's most notorious villains are in the hot seat and Chris Harrison asks a silent Jared what he thinks, he'll have some diplomatic answer up his sleeve like "it's a high-pressure situation" and "things get taken out of context."

Loudest Audience Laughter: Ryan M.
ABC

Loudest Audience Laughter: Ryan M.

Like Tim on Ashley's season, Ryan probably has no recollection of his Bachelorette stint beyond the first cocktail that marked his fatal descent into drunkenness. Hopefully, he and the rest of the guys can laugh off that debacle and the audience will join in.

Most Awkward Reunion With Kaitlyn: Joe
ABC

Most Awkward Reunion With Kaitlyn: Joe

Kaitlyn was understandably ill-prepared to receive Joe's confession of love from left field. I could smell the passive-aggression from the other side of the screen when he said "it's cool" that he was sent home. It won't be cool when he faces Kaitlyn in the hot seat.

Least Likely to Even Attend: Ian
ABC

Least Likely to Even Attend: Ian

Ian thinks he's above it all, but by bailing, he'll actually put himself below everyone. So much for his dreams of being The Bachelor. I hope I'm wrong, though, because watching the guys go at Ian for throwing shade on their "fart jokes," "poop jokes," and "sex jokes" sounds like priceless entertainment.

Most Likely to Cry: Chris "Cupcake"
ABC

Most Likely to Cry: Chris "Cupcake"

Cupcake expressed all the feels when Kaitlyn sent him home, and we can't fault him for it — or entirely disagree with his assessment of Kaitlyn as "a mess" (even though we kind of love her for it). Maybe Kaitlyn did make a huge mistake by letting Cupcake go, so you know what? I'll be mourning their future right along with him.

Most Likely to Make Kaitlyn Cry: Ben Z.
ABC

Most Likely to Make Kaitlyn Cry: Ben Z.

If they get the chance to reunite, Ben Z. will spill his heart out about how Kaitlyn helped him "open up" and gloss over her questionable decision to let him go before Joe, who hadn't told her anything more profound than "Well I'll be!"

Most in Need of Chris Harrison's Intervention: Kupah
ABC

Most in Need of Chris Harrison's Intervention: Kupah

Hoo-boy. Kupah left the show incensed at Kaitlyn and the entire world, so I can already picture him yelling "but- but-" while Chris Harrison redirects the conversation toward anything besides how unfair Kaitlyn was to send Kupah home. Rumor has it Kupah's outburst was actually a reaction to the show's racism, but I have a nagging suspicion they'll gloss over that.

Most Likely Surprise Guests: Britt and Brady
ABC

Most Likely Surprise Guests: Britt and Brady

Hopefully, the custom of ending each episode on a sneak peek into Britt and Brady's mostly off-camera relationship will continue. Since we last saw them embarking on a long-distance relationship, they could be having a reunion of their own on "The Men Tell All."

Least Likely to Say Anything at All: Literally Everyone Else
ABC

Least Likely to Say Anything at All: Literally Everyone Else

Let's face it: if you don't make it into the final 10, nobody really cares what you have to say. Maybe you'll get in a one-word answer to Chris Harrison's signature question, "What was it like pulling up in that limo that first night?" — but after that, you might as well sit back and enjoy the show. That's what I'll be doing.