Image Source: Getty / Jamie McCarthy
If you woke up today thinking you wouldn't be reading an article about a $25,000 c*ck ring, you were mistaken. Though this outlandish sex toy may seem like something you'd find endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow on Goop, it actually comes exclusively from singer and songwriter Frank Ocean's luxury brand, Homer.
Homer features products like pennants, earring studs, rings, and belt buckles — and yes, c*ck rings. More specifically, one that's 18-karat gold, made with 60 princess-cut diamonds, and retails for a little over $25,000.
The brand thrust the product into the spotlight in an Instagram post yesterday. The image includes a photo of a very chiseled naked person wearing what appears to be a gold c*ck ring. (Don't worry, though, the blur tool is working overtime, so you don't see anything too explicit.) And in the caption, the brand indicates that the photo is "Frank 'PACO' Ocean," though it's unclear if it's Ocean's package we're looking at or if Ocean is the one who took the photo. We love a curiosity gap.
As someone who's been working in the sex-toy space for some time now, I have a few very important questions: Why does a c*ck ring need to be bedazzled with diamonds? Why does a c*ck ring need to be bedazzled with anything? And why does a c*ck ring need to cost the same amount as my student loans? The answers are unclear.
But for those who are unfamiliar with the world of c*ck rings, let me explain the absurdity of this.
First off, these toys are designed to be placed around the base of a penis — less for aesthetic reasons and more for pleasure purposes. A c*ck ring restricts blood flow, making it so that the person wearing it has a harder time orgasming.
Some people wear them because they don't want to orgasm too quickly or they enjoy edging themselves. Other people wear them because they like the slightly painful sensation of being restricted. In any case, you don't need diamonds around the c*ck ring in order for the experience to feel regal AF.
Let's also consider the logistics here, because it sounds messy. What if semen somehow lands on this c*ck ring? I would think cum remnants would seriously devalue its worth and maybe even ruin its shine. Wouldn't that be defeating the purpose of investing in a $25,000 c*ck ring? I think yes.
And imagine being on the receiving end of this thing. I love some clitoral action but preferably with fingers or a vibrating toy — not, uh, diamonds. Clearly, this just seems like a marketing ploy for Ocean to show off his BDE.
Ultimately, I understand the aesthetics of sex toys are absolutely part of the fun. And hell, if you want to decorate your household with bougie-ass sex toys, be my guest. Even if you do actually want to wear it — perhaps more as jewelry and less as a tool for better sex — nothing says "my d*ck is worthy" like flexing a $25,000 c*ck ring on your penis. (Homer even sells a matching ring for your finger.)
But when it comes to actually using and orgasming from this pricey sex toy, there's no need to throw down that type of cash for a c*ck ring that produces the same sensation as this one currently being sold on Amazon for $9. Trust me, your $25,000 is better spent elsewhere.
If you want my unsolicited advice, there are two things that I know will offer you more satisfaction than any $25,000 c*ck ring can: therapy and (if your partner has a vagina) reading "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner. You're welcome in advance.