Getting engaged to your partner might feel like you've already won your future, but there are a lot of things to consider before saying "I do." When it comes to a commitment as big as marriage, you have to focus on the reality of building a life together. And just like there are some essential questions you need to ask on a first date [1], there are some even more important questions to ask before getting married.
From deciding whether to combine bank accounts with your partner [2] to discussing where you stand on children [3], having these important conversations before you get married is absolutely vital. It's also worth thinking about the less obvious things you should have in common with your partner [4], like how you deal with conflict or what your love language [5] is.
Though it may be tempting to jump right into the wedding planning process [6], take some time to consider what you haven't discussed with your partner. To help, couples therapist Debra Castaldo, PhD, shares her thoughts on the most important questions to ask before getting married.
Experts Featured in This Article
Debra Castaldo [7], PhD, is a couples and family therapist.
Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
"When considering marriage, history matters," Dr. Castaldo says. Knowing someone's past can tell you a lot about their future. For this reason, Dr. Castaldo says there are four main topics that should be discussed as early as possible in a relationship, but especially before getting married: relationship history, financial history, sexual history, and mental health history.
While these four pillars of your past are important to bring up, asking your partner questions about the future is equally as necessary. This includes conversations about kids, how you'll handle future conflicts, what your future goals entail, and more. Below are some specific questions to ask before getting married as they relate to these core pillars.
Relationship Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
- Have you ever had any difficulty making and keeping a commitment in your past?
- Why do you think your previous relationships haven't been successful?
- Have you ever cheated on a partner [8]?
- What does a successful marriage look like for you?
- What do you think we need to work on as a couple?
- What's happened in previous relationships of yours that you want to avoid in ours?
- What's your favorite thing about our relationship?
- Do you have any relationship expectations in a marriage that you haven't had so far in our relationship?
- Do you have any vices that I don't already know about?
- What are some ways I can support you better in our marriage?
- How do you feel about couples therapy?
- How do you feel about individual therapy?
- If we were struggling in our marriage, would you be open to couples therapy?
- What's your history with mental health?
- How do you manage your mental health?
- What's your family's history with mental health?
- What are some of your goals for the future? How do you see me fitting into these goals?
Financial Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
- How much money do you make?
- Where do you have your money invested? (As in, do you have money in savings accounts? A 401K? The stock market?)
- How do you want to split costs when we're married?
- What are your thoughts on combined bank accounts?
- What are your thoughts on keeping individual bank accounts?
- Do you have any debt?
- Have you ever been in debt? If so, how did you handle it?
- Do you have a financial advisor?
- How involved do you want me to be in managing our finances?
- How involved do you want to be in managing our finances?
- What are your financial goals for the future?
- When do you want to retire?
- Do you have any specific retirement goals?
- Have you ever experienced financial stress? What did that look like?
- If you're stressed about money, what are the areas of life you would cut back on?
- How do you want to make money in the future? (As in, do you want to continue climbing the ranks of a corporate job? Start a business? Invest in the housing market?)
Parenting Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
- Do you want children?
- How many children do you want?
- How do you feel about IVF?
- If we can't have children, are you open to adoption?
- If we can have children, are you open to adoption?
- How would you discipline your children?
- How were you disciplined as a child, and how do you feel about it now as an adult?
- What are some important values and traits that you would want to instill in our children?
- How involved will our families be in raising our children?
- How do you feel about hiring a babysitter or nanny?
- Do you want to continue working when we have children?
- Do you want me to continue working when we have children?
Sex Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
- How often do you want to have sex [9] when we're married?
- What does a fulfilling sex life look like for you?
- How important is sex in our marriage?
- Do you care who initiates sex?
- What kind of birth control will we use, if any?
- How do you feel about monogamy?
- What about our sex life do you think can improve when we're married?
- Are there any kinks [10] or fantasies you have that I'm not already familiar with?
- Would you ever be open to swinging or exploring a threesome [11]?
- Do you feel comfortable talking about sex with me?
- What are your sexual boundaries?
- Has anything happened to you in the past that would affect our sex life moving forward?
- How do you feel about sex toys?
- How would you work through a sexual dry spell with me?
Depending on how you and your partner answer these questions, you should have a good idea on how fulfilling your marriage will be. But if there's something else you want to know about your partner, don't be afraid to ask it. "Marriage is the biggest emotional business decision you will ever make," Dr. Castaldo says. "Ask away. You deserve to know what your are taking on."
Taylor Andrews [13] is a Balance editor at PS who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.