The 6 Stages of Awkward First-Time Sex

Growing up whenever someone on TV or in the movies got "together" with someone for the first time, it was always magical. It was like their two bodies combined so beautifully that you imagined that afterwards, they floated up to the sky together in a sea of blissful multiple orgasms. As if! If real life were that great, we would probably always marry the first person we had sex with simply based on the bliss factor. The truth is though even if you're absolutely crazy about someone, the first time you sleep together can be so painfully awkward that you might feel like taking your sexy card back.

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The First Stage: Is Everything “OK” Down There?
Universal Pictures

The First Stage: Is Everything “OK” Down There?

The first stage is the hardest: the undressing. There you are, nervously taking off your clothes or perhaps your bedmate is. You wonder, “Ooh did I ladyscape down there?” and “Wait, did I put on period panties today? I sure hope not.”

You flinch a little when you realize that no, you didn’t wear you period panties but instead, those super cute Hello Kitty undies you saw in Target that are adorable . . . for you to see only!

As you’re taking your pants or skirt off, you notice a spot of hair you forgot to shave. OK — maybe a few spots you forgot to shave, and then when you go to take your top off, you’re wondering to yourself: “Am I undressing the right way?”

We all saw music videos and movies growing up in which the seductive babe takes off her clothes like a pro man-tamer, and we wonder if we look like that good when we take off our skivvies but most likely, we look like a seizing kitten!

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The Second Stage: You’re Checking Him Out
Warner Bros.

The Second Stage: You’re Checking Him Out

There you are naked and now, you get to take a look at him but you don’t want to show any trace of emotion lest you see something you don’t love.

Were you expecting the belly lint? Were you happily or unhappily surprised at the size of the “ship?”

Did you take a look at his toes . . . no, don’t go there girl! Simply hope for the best and if not, you can always train him on how to handle it another day when the two of you are like peanut butter and jelly!

Remember — we women set a good example so don’t gawk if the ship isn’t as pretty as you expected but do gawk if it’s amazing because every man could use a little ego boost about his manhood.

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The Third Stage: You’re Smushing Me
New Line Cinema

The Third Stage: You’re Smushing Me

As you get closer finally now that the two of you are naked and connected whether on a bed, against a wall, on the floor or on a chair, it’s when the “squishing begins.”

You know, he squishes onto you and somehow manages to pinch some sensitive body part with his bodyweight that your whole being is on fire with pain and agony! That that excitement building up in your body from head all the way down to the nether regions from before is now extinguished due to the excruciating pain of having your nipple, thigh, or stomach smashed in?

He feels awful, and you’re trying not to cry. Doesn’t this look exactly like every great love-making scene in the movies?

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The Fourth Stage: Did He Just Say That?
Fox

The Fourth Stage: Did He Just Say That?

First-time sex means learning all the little nuances both creepy and cute of your new bedmate. This is the time when he will say something like “Aren’t you Daddy’s bad girl?” or “Mommy, I think I need a spanking,” and you’ll either be ready to hand out whippings or run away from the bed thinking, “Why didn’t I make this a girls' night tonight?”

You’ll hope he won’t mind when you scream that you like it rough and as the words rip from your mouth a part of you wants to take them back, afraid that your bedmate isn’t a rough rider but more of a “gentle sailor.”

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The Fifth Stage: What Is He Doing? What am I Doing?
Universal Pictures

The Fifth Stage: What Is He Doing? What am I Doing?

He was just getting warmed up before but now it’s party time! He may be handling your body like a stuffed toy or perhaps a football. You’re thinking, “Go slower” or “Go harder,” but you don’t actually say those words because you like this one and don’t want to upset him.

You decide to please him orally and hope he will do the same, but he’s sitting there silent or is so loud, you wonder: “Am I hurting him or pleasing him?”

He returns the favor, but he doesn’t do it as well as your ex-ex-boyfriend, the big-time jerk with the bedroom moves of a god, so you use your imagination and great vocals to finish the deal and figure you will teach him the best strategy later. Now is not the time for hurt feelings, so you suck it up.

He finishes the deal — most likely on top of or behind you and it’s faster than you hoped. In fact, it happens so fast you wonder if you imagined all of this but you can’t blame the guy. It’s the first time and you’re kind of sexy, you know?

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The Sixth Stage: Let’s Not Talk About It
The CW

The Sixth Stage: Let’s Not Talk About It

Afterwards, you cuddle. Well, you might cuddle or you might run to the bathroom. He may wish you ran to the bathroom but instead, you cuddle. Neither of you will say what it was that was awkward about the first time until months down the line when you’re a bona fide couple, so instead you kiss or turn on some Netflix.

All in all it’s not so bad, and you are willing to try this again. Just don’t look at his toes for a while, OK? Trust me. Wink.