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The Anti-Tiger Mother

OnSugar Blog: Bad Mommy

Lots of moms like to think out loud and trixie360 is one of them. In her latest post to her Nice Mommy, Mean Mommy blog, she takes on Amy Chua's Tiger Mom.

These are my confessions.

  1. When Kid 1 was 3 years old, his favorite movie was Jaws.
  2. Kid 2 wouldn't eat vegetables for the first five years of her life. And I didn't make her eat them.
  3. I give Kid 3 too many cookies because she does a cute happy dance when she sees me taking it out of the package. Note: all other "coo-coos" are inferior to Tim Tams.
  4. I accepted my husband's marriage proposal before Kids 1 and 2 had met him. Luckily they adore him.
  5. Even though I vowed not to, when Kid 3 needs something I completely tune out the teenagers...even if they're in the middle of a sentence.
  6. Some days I'm just too tired to fight the "my tummy hurts can I stay home from school" battle, and let her stay home.
  7. I haven't taken the baby to the dentist yet. (She's 19 months old)
  8. I swear like a sailor. Apparently you're not supposed to do this in front of kids. Kid 1 curses, Kid 2 does not. I swore I heard Kid 3 say "shit" the other day.
  9. I'm a slob. After work, dinner, etc. I have approximately 90 minutes to hang out with the kids before the little one goes to bed. I don't spend it doing housework.
  10.  I'm not a Tiger Mother. Kid 1 is smart enough for an Ivy League college. If I'd pushed him harder maybe he'd be at Harvard instead of Bellevue College. Kid 2 is an amazingly fast runner. I should have forced her to do track. Hopefully Kid 3 will not have to bear the brunt of my regrets with the first two.

Still, my kids are all pretty good. A bit lazy, yes. Sometimes they lie to me. But so far none of them have been brought home by the cops, gotten pregnant or impregnated anyone, and 1 out of 3 has graduated high school.

So perhaps I'm not that bad.

Join The Conversation
MaddenWidow MaddenWidow 6 years
I was going to say something earlier but by the time I signed on everyone before me covered everything I was going to say. It's unfair to tell someone that what they're doing is horrible especially when you are not a parent and do not have the first hand experience. Working with kids and raising them are two different things and just because you may be around them for a few hours a day it does not make you an expert on child rearing. Seriously can I say that I love Scooter?! I feel like I should apologize for suggesting that Trixie hide a dirty diaper in his room.
xElle xElle 6 years
Lizlee, you're convinced that choices by mothers like Trixie are leading to the downfall of Western civilization because it makes their children take advantage? And when you're told again and again that Trixie's kids are in fact on track to be productive members of society, you still insist that Trixie's parenting methods lead to kids that fail? How does that follow? I'm also surprised that you're blaming lazy moms for the school system being shot to hell. You work at a school, and you must've seen first-hand what budget cuts are doing. Perhaps instead you should be looking at people who think they can get something for nothing by cutting taxes and reducing funding to schools and social programs. Parents aren't why schools are failing: it's us and our leaders that refuse to do what's necessary to help our schools. Besides, your presumption that we are in social decline is crap anyway. The good old days, right? Let me tell you something. People like you have been decrying the state of our society for centuries, and yet it still goes on. Health and education and our standard of living trend upwards in this country from one generation to the next, despite past and present naysayers (and it is nay, not neigh, by the way) like you trying to convince us otherwise. Society is always evolving and changing, and there are always people who resist that change in whatever form it takes. Are there problems in our society? Absolutely. Do many of them start with attitudes and habits learned in childhood? Sure. But blaming parents does nothing. It's a cultural and societal issue that can't be changed by shaming a few parents here and there. Even if you must keep your blinders on and blame the parents, you're totally barking up the wrong tree by targeting Trixie.
SirenAssassin SirenAssassin 6 years
*present.....whoops!
SirenAssassin SirenAssassin 6 years
When I was a kid, I grew up in a very abusive home and there was no reason to strive for anything good. Did I become lazy and sit on my ass? No, instead I played Field Hockey throughout school, got good grades, and joined the Army fresh off of graduating from high school and made something of myself. Fast forward to the preset. I remember when my first son was born. I had to have everything name brand, I swore I'd never cuss in front of him, and everytime he cried or needed something I would be at his beck and call. Then I actually had him and how fast that changed. My perfect ideals went right out the window and with now having two small boys, my ideals are still constantly still being tossed out the window. I may cuss in front of them, let my oldest stay up and watch tv or play video games, give them candy when they should be eating a fruit snack, and listen to rock music that would make your ears bleed, but I can guarantee you that my kids will never be the ones that are rude in public, whining about how they want "this and that", pitching fits in stores, getting in trouble, and beating up others because they are different. My kids are taught to be respectful, helpful, and caring and this is what parenting in the end is all about. My oldest who is four was spiting out full sentences at an early age and memorized his alphabet by the time he was 3 and also could count to 10. He knew his colors and shapes as well. One day, my husband and I will be able look back and say that we know we did a damn good job of parenting despite the fact that aren't "perfect" parents or fit others ideals. Just an FYI, there is a difference between having experience with kids and having kids of your own lizlee. Maybe one day when you have your own child and you do something or say something in front of your child that someone doesn't agree with you will understand why so many of us parents are up in arms about your post.
WilliamBat WilliamBat 6 years
Tell us how you really feel, ScooterBeast. And guys, I have no doubt that someday she will have kids, and raise them exactly as she describes. No doubt those same kids will get scholarships to exceptional schools, and when they are 35 years old or so, pay a sizeable portion of their middle management salaries to therapists. In other words, they'll be just like everyone else, only with a different set of mommy issues.
WilliamBat WilliamBat 6 years
Well, people who read Trixie's blog mostly like her, so it's human nature you'd get a pretty negative response when you say things like "but allowing them; neigh, raising them; to be lazy and content with less is just as bad as allowing them to go without food!" Seriously? Starving one's kids is pretty serious. Letting them find their own motivation is something many people will see as a good thing. And with that, you are pretty directly attacking someone who has managed to raise some exceptional kids. Again, if you knew the kids as I do, and saw their talent and intelligence, and understood how just as her success comes from within her, not from being pushed, she wants her children to find their own reasons to go forth and do astounding things. And I am fairly sure they will amaze us all. They are just that talented. Her personal example is simply bonus.
lizlee89 lizlee89 6 years
Wow, I've sparked quite a backlash here. Excuse me for expressing my opinion and thinking that all parents should strive to be the best parents possible. I just don't understand why people think it's so horrible that I'm judging statements that were put out on the Internet to be judged! You don't see the writer of this getting all pissy because I did exactly what one is supposed to do on a blog. Now, to all of you who think I'm being condescending or judgemental (which I am, and rightfully so), I never said that she is a bad mother, or that any parent has to be perfect. What I said is that I don't understand how any parent doesn't try their hardest to give their child the best health, education, and habits possible. To those of you mocking me for saying that this attutude is what's wrong with America - WAKE UP! Why do you think our school system is shot to hell and our social structure is made up of those who take advantage and those who don't?! It's because even moms, who are and should be the backbone of society, are giving in to laziness and half-assing everything! No, I am not a mother; my only experience with kids is that I work with more than 150 different students from ages 5 to 11 for 6 hours everyday. I work at an elementary school, and I see how parent's bad habits and shortcomings hurt their children's social, academic, and behavioral success in life. I'm not saying every little thing you do affects what kind of person your child becomes, but they all add up to major parenting strategies. I think you're all wrong, but it's your perogative to disagree with me. However, for any of you to call me "unintelligent" is not only a low blow, but a complete load of crap! I don't know how to write, HeyJoelle?! I speak and write better English than most people - why else would you attack something so weakly and falsely?! Now, I'm being very arrogant and rude; I'm just so annoyed that people chose to attack something that is so significant and important to me, my intelligence, because they disagree with me. But, whatever; that's all of your guys' problem...
roughneck1010 roughneck1010 6 years
I was a military brat with two younger brothers, Know what my mom did to us as kids lizlee89? if we were not in school, she had the audacity to make us stay and play outside constantly, she beat us with a belt when we got in trouble, she would try and force veggies down my throat or tell me I had to stay at the table until I ate them, I spent many a looong hour at that damn table because I refused to eat any of them..still do to this day and I'm 41. When we were stationed in Chicago, I got kicked out of public school because I would not pay attention in class and was always in trouble, so I had to go to a Christian school, My mom would drop me off at about AM every morning and I would have to wait outside in the winter for 2 and a half hours before anyone would come and let me in. ( did I mention I lived in Chicago at the time? ) do you know who cold it gets in Chicago in winter? I had a decent coat but I had to wear slacks and dress shoes, outside in 0' degree weather. Point is, my mom wasn't the best mom, she never really encouraged us or helped us with home work, she was good and going to work while her husband was off in Vietnam and then Korea for years at a time, she was good at whipping us with a belt and she was good at yelling..a lot. flash forward 20 years or so later ahem...My middle brother is a Firefighter, my younger brother is going to school to be a lawyer and I co-own my own security company doing anything from simple security jobs, to personal protection and Private investigation work.. She did not fail to raise us right, she did what she had to do. We are all successful and have successful lives, I have been married for 12 years now..no divorce, no drinking problem. So you see I can see how you would think that what Christa is doing may be wrong in your eyes..and you do have a right to Judge I guess, but what Christa is doing is giving her Kids love...Lots of love, she gives them space, she lets them find their own way. She provides for her family while her husband in away fighting for your right to judge her..while raising a toddler by the way. So If you feel the need to judge her..judge away but you really have to know that Karma? is a real bitch Lizlee.
lleessaa08 lleessaa08 6 years
I tend to look at this from another angle. Do our children really learn by how much we pressure them or push them to realize themselves or do we just assure that the possibilities are endless and lead by example? Trixie isn't just a working mom but is one who is known in her industry and has created a successful career doing what she enjoys. AND, she still has 90 min per day to hang with her kids! All of whom seem to enjoy her time as well! Leading by example sure seems to be a pretty good path to follow. To all moms on this list - rest assured, LizLee will someday come to realize the error of her post today. How many times when dealing with your kids in those "moments" do you look back and go - Wow! I was a pompous ass to others, "pre-kid". :)
WilliamBat WilliamBat 6 years
Having personal knowledge of Trixie's 3 kids, I have to say they are exceptional young people with bright futures ahead of them. While kid 1 may lack in motivation, he has an overabundance of ability. When he finds the right reasons to excel, there will be no stopping him. He takes after his uncle, who waited quite some time to have a reason to make anything of himself. (that would be me) Kid 2 is going to be a force of nature. At her age life is tough, people who actually enjoy Jr High School are strange and foreign to me. And she's dealing with it remarkably well. A lot of other kids her age spend the whole time wishing they were somewhere else, anywhere else, oh please, get me out of here. As for kid 3, it's a little early to tell, but she is already showing signs of taking after both her mother and her Marine father, and I am fairly certain the world won't be the same when she's done. All 3 kids are remarkably happy, intelligent, and most importantly, believe it's up to them what their future looks like.
iamjam iamjam 6 years
Lizlee89, You're not sorry to judge, you're very clearly willing to do it. The problem is that you're judging out of your area. You have no idea what it's like to raise 3 kids on your own. You can spout all the ideals you want, but until you're actually doing it; you have no business judging how other people handle their lives. Inferring that Trix is raising her kids to be lazy is a big stretch. You have absolutely no idea how hard she works because you don't know her. You're making judgements based on a blog post. You don't know her day to day life and it's not fair for you to draw conclusions about how she raises her kids. You're not being mean, you're being idealistic. Like other people have said, come back in 20 years after you've raised a kid or two. Also, it's nee; not niegh.
Koolaye Koolaye 6 years
@lizlee89: I was raised with a father who cussed/yelled a lot! Not at me, but just in general (he was just a loud person) and yet, it hasn't affected me in any way. If anything, I'm comfortable with people who are either loud or quiet. My bro-in-law cusses a lot too, but he says his words are considered terms of endearment in his culture, which cracks me up. XD Anyway, my parents have pushed me to be the best I can be (I'm graduating this semester, woo!!). I also hated vegetables when I was a child, but I might as well be called a wannabe vegan now. Point is, everyone is raised differently... I would love to see your expression if you saw the kids being walked around with leashes at malls and such. What Trixie listed honestly sounds normal to me. When you have your own kids lizlee89, I'm sure you will quickly understand that parenting is easier said than done.
SelfActualised SelfActualised 6 years
Well, must confess, I'm not a mom. But I am someone who has a mom, so maybe that gives me a certain amount of latitude here. My mom didn't do everything perfectly - no parent does. Among her sins is the fact that she didn't make me eat my veggies - she even transferred me to a different elementary school, because the one I was at had a clean plate policy at school lunch. And she didn't push me or my brother at school. So I guess according to our resident expert, lizlee89, she was a bad parent. But wait... I somehow managed to reach adulthood healthy, despite my lack of veggies, and as an adult, I've come to enjoy many or most veggies, rather than harbouring for them a lasting hatred born of childhood resentment. But it does seem like not being pushed in school really screwed my life up big time ... oh wait, no it didn't - as best I recall, I graduated with Honours from the university of Oxford, despite my lack of a Tiger mom. My brother wasn't as academic - reminds me perhaps more of Bad Mommy's Kid #1 - he wasn't interested in academics when he was younger; but like his little sister, my brother is self-actualized, and despite not choosing to push himself at school as a kid, has enjoyed as much or more success in his life as has this Oxford graduate. To my way of thinking, raising a child includes striving to let your child be happy, and be his or herself. It includes letting your child learn about self-motivation, because that is the ultimate secret to success and happiness. And, do you know what: good people who strive to make the world a better place are not always the same people who are striving for personal success. Being acquisitive, or climbing some other sort of metaphorical greasy pole does not equate to being a good and giving person - the two may co-exist, but the former does not result in the latter. In fact, being taught always to win win win is more likely to result in a selfish adult than is a more gently loving, and more laissez-faire style of parenting. As for the amount of gravity given in this posting about swearing - well, I could only laugh. It is perfectly possible to be a thoughtful, caring, selfless, articulate, and intelligent person, and still swear. And, you know what, a bit of cussing actually never hurt anyone. Besides, it's heard outside the home more than in, and again, a kid is going to swear or not, not based solely on what is heard in the home, but rather on what they themselves choose. (Ask my mom!) And, in closing, I will comment that someone who claims to value seeking to make the world a better place might be taken more seriously, and considered less hypocritical, if they were themselves rather less self-righteous and judgemental.
Lithop Lithop 6 years
We all do certain thing when raising our kids. Some may be good. Some may be not so good. But we do what we can and we do what works. I have 2 kids. Oldest is 8 and youngest is 1 year. I have a long list of things too, that in some peoples eyes, are horrible. But you know what? They can stuff it!! My kids are healthy! My kids are happy! My kids are clothed, feed and have a roof over their heads! They are loved and spoiled! Do my kids care if I'm doing it right or "wrong"? No. P.S I saw a video once on how to make your kids eat food they dont like. You need to basically make it look really really nice and fun. LIke sculpt the potatoes! Pfff Like who has time to do that? LOL
HotelQueen HotelQueen 6 years
No one does things "perfectly", we all do the best we can with what we've got. Your choices are not my choices and vice versa, we just make the decisions we can at the time. You're raising three kids alone, toddlers and teenagers both trying stages, and you have an amazing attitude about it. So many SAHMs with one or two kids piss and moan about how difficult their life is, and you do it all with a sense of humour to boot. Clearly Miss lizlee isn't a "working mom" (<-- as much as I loathe that term) or she'd realize most families can't actually get by on one salary. I don't know any moms of small kids who choose to work outside the house. No matter what lifestyle choices we make, there's no way the six of us are going to happily exist on one salary in a big city. And I'd love the magic answer to how you "make" kids eat their vegetables? Please share that one with us!
HelloTygerlily HelloTygerlily 6 years
ZOMG! It's a plot! And TriXie is at the center of it. Damn you Trix for hating America and bringing us down with your lack of dinner vegetables. You need to quit slacking and stop picking your battles. If your kids don't get vegetables, you hate America. Yes, working moms chose to have kids. We also continue choose to clothe them, feed them, and make sure they go to school. My kids are 11, 8, and 5. They don't eat vegetables unless you count pasta sauce. Heck, sometimes they don't even take vitamins. ZOMG!! All three are healthy. All three attend school. They don't eat vegetables because I got tired of buying them, cooking them, battling for one or two bites to be eaten, and then throwing the rest in the garbage. Do my kids have strange eating habits where they won't try new foods now? No. My oldest loves sushi and phad thai? Do they have rickets? No. They are growing like nuts. If you really want to point fingers, why don't you go berate someone who really doesn't give a crap about their kids? Like the douchebag that donated their sperm and then decided they didn't have the bandwidth to help care for them?
SirenAssassin SirenAssassin 6 years
I love how the ones that don't have kids get all opinionated. I wonder how they would feel knowing that I along with many parents play video games in front of my boys. Not to mention, my husband and I both being military vets...we tend to cuss at times due to the military influence. OMG.....lock me up now!!!! No offense or anything non parents of the world. Very good post Trixie :)
trixie360 trixie360 6 years
Touche, but most working moms do so by necessity, not choice.
lizlee89 lizlee89 6 years
I'm sorry to judge, and I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything, but some of these are horrible. I don't mind that you don't clean when you get home, or even that you give your kid a lot of cookies (junk food is really not the major problem with society's health problems such as obesity), but you don't make your kids go to school?! You cuss in front of them?! You don't push them to try to be the best they can be?! I mean, aside from providing the basic needs of a child; i.e. food, clothing, and shelter; being a parent is mostly about raising good people who strive to make the world a better place. No, going to Harvard is not necessary for them to do so, but allowing them; neigh, raising them; to be lazy and content with less is just as bad as allowing them to go without food! Not to mention, you're inhibiting their good health by not making them eat their vegetables or taking them to the dentist! I mean, come on; I get you're busy and tired, but make the time. It was your choice to become a parent, and it's your choice to be a working mom; be one. Don't give up on pushing your kids to do the right things (eating healthy, being a good student, speaking well instead of swearing) just because you're taxed. What bothers me most about this is your attitude. It's as if you either think you can't change your behavior, and/or you don't need to bother changing it. Either way, you're wrong. I know people are going to get bent out of shape that I'm being so mean, but you're putting out this information to be judged, whether good or bad. I see an injustice being done, and I have every right to call it out. Maybe I am being too mean, but I believe that this idea that we shouldn't push in all areas of our life is what's making America fail...
BellaH68 BellaH68 6 years
And we ALL have those moments...and they dont make you a bad mommy...just an honest one!
amber512 amber512 6 years
lol, love it!
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