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Handling a Miscarriage

Mommy Dearest: How to Cope With Miscarriage?

Mommy Dearest,

My friend recently suffered a miscarriage and is devastated by the loss. I want to help, but honestly cannot find the words to comfort her. Would sending her flowers be a morbid reminder of recent events? How can I be there for her in this time of despair without overstepping my bounds?

— At a Loss

To see Mommy Dearest's Response,


Dear At a Loss,

I am sorry for your friend's loss. Suffering a miscarriage is a terrible event in a woman's (couple's) life. It is a topic close to my heart as both my mother and sister have had multiple miscarriages.

In these situations, there's very little you can say or do to make your friend feel better. But words of encouragement serve as a reminder that she is loved and will get through it. Sending flowers and a card also remind the woman that she has a support system. Spill out your heartfelt sympathy and encourage her to reach out to you when she feels the time is right. And until then, let her know she is in your thoughts.

— Mommy Dearest

Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on TeamSugar.


Join The Conversation
macneil macneil 9 years
Yeah, it's kind of helpful/cathartic to talk a little about your miscarriage to friends because you really want them to understand - to understand that you've been pregnant, that you lost a baby, what you're going through - but you know that people are mostly too uncomfortable/sad for you to want to, so don't be afraid to talk to them. It is a more traumatic and sad thing than I thought it would be when I went in for the fateful scan being quite blasé about it - that preceded a lot of crying and anguish, that I mostly kept from everyone I love.
abqmama abqmama 9 years
When I suffered a miscarriage I was just grateful that people acknowledged that is was an incredibly painful time in my life. It didn't really matter what they said because no words could really help, I was just happy that they made the effort to let me know they were thinking about me. And I totally agree with phatE, I would become emotional when I saw other pregnant women after the loss. Even now after getting pregnant again and giving birth to a beautiful baby boy I still wonder about that baby that I lost, whether it would have been a boy or a girl, what it would have looked like, it's personality, etc. You never really get over the loss of a child, no matter when you lose them.
phatE phatE 9 years
faery, so sorry for your loss.. can't even imagine.. someone i know who lost their baby at 36 weeks said that people who have a miscarriage mourn the future.. they mourn the loss of what was to come, like the first steps, first day of school, first dates, wedding, etc..they always see people that would be as far along in their pregnancy, or babies around the same age as theirs should have been, and it's a daily battle for them.. i don't know that personally, i just wanted to put that out there.. i think the worst thing someone can do is not be there for their friend..grief is always hard because we don't and can't understand and can't fix it.. i think support, just being with that person, not having to talk, or do, but just being available is huge.. i think also remembering down the road that this is still a struggle, and it doesn't just go away when everyone else moves on.. it's the loss of a child, and it's hard for them because while someone who has lost their 10 year old is expected to grieve, and given the time, someone who loses their baby to a miscarriage isn't looked at the same.. grief is grief. support in whatever way you know how.. you're enough.. you don't have to fix it.
single_m0m single_m0m 9 years
As a woman who has experienced a miscarriage, I would have to say that the worst thing you could do is not say anything. Many people in my life didn't know what to say and chose not to say a thing. It made it that much more difficult for me to feel "OK" to grieve. Let your friend know that you don't know what to say, but that you're there if she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen. It's hard for others to understand what she's going through, even her partner, who is not experiencing the same emotions. Good luck and thanks for this question. It's a sensitive topic but one that is quite important to the friends and family of those who have experienced this same loss.
anniekim anniekim 9 years
Oh faery--my most sincere sympathy goes out to you. I can't even imagine. Thanks for sharing your experience and advice. albeli--thanks for the excellent resource.
jessie jessie 9 years
wow..i have no advice for you. but there is some great advice from some wonderful people above me. good luck to you and i know you'll say and do the right thing!
faerymagick15 faerymagick15 9 years
The BEST thing to do is say your are sorry and just be ther to lend and ear, a shoulder, or a hug when she needs it. I have suffered 9 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. I have heard all kinds of stupid remarks from well meaning people and from people that really just have no clue. Less is more when it comes to something like this. A miscarriage is like a death...women are bonded to their babies as soon as they know they are pregnant. Most women I know it IS losing a child whether that child ever took a breath.
RosaDilia RosaDilia 9 years
When my sister had her miscarriage she was 5 months pregnant. I had the hardest time comforting my sister, I absolutely did not know what to do especially for a pregnancy that far along. I did give her time alone when she hinted at it and also spent time with her especially cooking for her and cleaning her apartment so she could rest as ordered by her doctor.
albeli albeli 9 years
As someone who has suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss, the best thing to say is "I'm sorry." Just be there for her and listen. This site has great examples of what not to say.
Greggie Greggie 9 years
My advice is to ask her what she needs. Some women want to put it out of their mind and concentrate on other things, some need to commemorate it with flowers, momentos, etc. Every woman is different and there's no right way to handle it. Follow her lead. Give her space if she needs it or spend time just hanging out if she needs it.
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