How to Piss Off People With Your Parenting

For some reason, the whole world loves to comment on parents. We're never doing a "good enough job" or somehow, we made a mistake and crap — didn't we all know we aren't supposed to make mistakes?! Especially mothers.

They rake mothers against the coals and by "they" I mean, the public. Gorilla incident anyone?

So instead of trying to deny our parenthood or apologize every single damn time our kids make a noise or a scene in public because, you know kids are supposed to be seen and not heard, why not piss people off more, with our parenting? This is, apparently, the early 19th century or so and kids aren't supposed to be kids. They're supposed to be silent, mature adults and moms and dads are supposed to be perfect parents, 24/7. Since that's not possible and we know that because we are moms, let's show the public how it's done:

You had a sitter lined up for a nice date night out and then she calls: she's suddenly not feeling well. But you and the hubby had plans for dinner at your absolute favorite fancy Asian-fusion place. Do you dare to bring your toddler? Your hubby gives you the look. He's not sure you should. Well instead you say, "Screw it! I'm bringing the toddler."Your toddler will get food on your nice dress and embarrass you at dinner. He will throw something, drop food, and/or scream "Poopy! Doody!" at the top of his lungs. The patrons will hate you. So what? You had a nice dinner. At least it wasn't cold for once! Of course, everyone at the restaurant wished for your departure and, possibly, permanent disappearance off the face of the earth. Ouch.

Your baby is starving and your boobs feel like rocks. It's a packed long line at the grocery store today, and the wails of your baby grow louder and louder. You decide to nurse, and while baby is feeding, some creep stares at you and tells you that this "Isn't the place for that kind of stuff." You dream about squirting him with your milk but instead, give him a nasty look and keep on nursing.

You're at the store when an elderly lady tells you your child looks cold and shouldn't you put a hat on him? Instead of thanking her for her sage advice, you allow your toddler to pull off his socks and shoes without saying a word . The woman stares at you like you're an utter ass, and you laugh and walk away. EEK!

You've got a nosy girl who likes to wander. You have your eyes on her and the baby but suddenly, the baby makes a monstrous heavy poop and you know that it is all the way up in her back. Panicking, you turn to the baby. When you turn back around, your sassy girl is gone! Where could she have gone? You call mall security after a few minutes of unsuccessful hunting and when someone reports her in, the security officer looks at you like you're the worst mom EVER. You tell him, "It must have been the voices I heard in my head telling me that monkeys are running the election this year that distracted me." Oh yes!

You get a note home from the class mom for the 50th time asking for another party favor or donation. Nothing personal against the class mom, but you have had enough of the requests. You email her and tell her that you are now only donating to starving children in third world countries because they need the help more than your kids do, and wouldn't she like to do the same? OY! You pissed her off good.

You tell the grandparents you are using cloth diapers now and feeding your kids only organic foods. This angers them as they don't understand the nonsense about all that "hippy dippy" stuff. So every time they give your kid processed food or use disposable diapers, you send them a bill of a dollar each for "not abiding by the rules." You are a filthy rat and the least favorite now in the family! HAHA!

You are in line to make a purchase that sadly doesn't include the toy your child wants and is screaming about. A stranger stops to say, "Oh she's so cute. Don't make her cry!" You tell the stranger, "OK. So you buy her the toy. Thanks for offering to stop those tears!"*Wink.

You packed lunch for a play date and none of it is organic or incredibly healthy. You even packed Cheetos. In short, the other moms think you're a big fat lazy mother who wants to make her kid toxically unhealthy. When they stare at your kids' lunch, you tell them you saw a segment on Dr. Oz that giving kids junk food will help them become more intelligent and sturdy. They will stare at you like you are crazy. The other kids at the table will protest for the Cheetos. You can laugh on the inside. Don't give up the facade.

Your friends say letting your kid sleep in the bed means he or she will never sleep on his or her own. They tell you this every time they see you. You tell them, "I'm afraid of the dark. I can't help myself." Bring along a pacifier to add to the "story!"